Talk Horses***, Get Hit

I’m a member of my school’s horse riding club. This happens before a riding lesson, while we are putting on my mount’s bridle and saddle in the stable. It’s not the first time I’ve been stuck with [Horse].

Instructor: “So, how do you find [Horse] so far?”

Me: “She’s like my grandma.”

Instructor: “How so?”

Me: “Old, fat, and stubborn.”

The instructor is not sure whether to be offended or amused.

Me: “And lazy.”

My horse then swings her head around, clubbing me with her head. I’m wearing a helmet, so it doesn’t hurt, but I still get knocked aside.

Me: “Yeah, I deserved that.”

Somehow, that day, [Horse] is unusually active, requiring less nagging from me to move and more willingness to obey my commands. We even do jumps, after which, she goes into a canter, nearly throwing me off in the process. Much screaming is involved, to the delight of my girlfriend, who still refuses to let me live that down to this day.

After the session, we are taking the horses back to the stable and removing their saddles and bridles.

Instructor: “Good job, [My Name]. I think that that was the most exercise [Horse] has gotten this year.”

Me: “Yes, so maybe she isn’t as lazy as we thought, but I still think she’s like my grandma: cranky and bad-tempered.”

We pack up and I walk out of the stable. Just then, another horse trots past. The rider, horse and I are all looking in the wrong direction, so I get rammed and knocked into a puddle of mud. Thankfully, not only am I wearing a padded jacket and a riding cuirass, but I am also wearing a suit of motocross armour underneath, so I am fine, if only a bit stunned. Everyone rushes up to us, making sure that everyone is fine. The horse is panicking, but the instructors are all calming it down.

Me: *Getting to my feet* “Yeah, I definitely deserved that.”