Taking Notes To Use This One In The Future

I’m out shopping for a few things and I remember that I need some ham, so I go to the cooked meats aisle and look for something tempting. As I’m searching for something nice, I hear a voice behind me saying, “Excuse me!” in a not-at-all polite manner. I look over my shoulder and see another customer. I acknowledge her and take two steps to the side but don’t turn around. I feel a tap on my shoulder and hear the same non-too-polite voice saying:

Customer: “Excuse me. I’m talking to you. Don’t ignore me.”

I turn around and open my mouth to ask what she wants and why she’s being rude, but before I can speak, she starts berating me for being a lazy member of staff and ignoring her.

Me: “If you think I work here, you’re wrong; I don’t.”

Customer: “You’re just being f****** lazy. I’ll have your job!”

Me: *Badly feigning surprise* “Really? You’ll have my job?”

She says, with a strange mixture of superiority, righteousness, and stupidity:

Customer: “Yes, I will.”

Me: “Okay. Suit yourself. You can have it.”

I wave my hands around in strange shapes and announce:

Me: “You are now officially a member of staff.”

It is said that a picture can speak a thousand words, but the look on her face just says, “What the f***?”

Customer: “But I want you to get [things] for me… I want—”

Me: “Don’t ask me. I’m a customer. You should ask a colleague since you work here. In fact, you can help me with what I need.”

Customer: “What? But I don’t work here!”

Me: “Yes, you do. You said you’d have my job, and I gave it to you. Now f*** off and leave me alone.”

She stomps off, but that isn’t the end of it. Another customer, who’s clearly seen the interaction, stops her halfway up the aisle.

Customer #2: “Oh, finally, someone who works here! Can you get that heavy [item] off the top shelf—”

Customer: “Oh, f*** off!”

She walked, presumably, out of the shop. [Customer #2], you absolute legend!

This story is part of our Halfway-Through-2022 roundup!

Read the next Halfway-Through-2022 roundup story!

Read the Halfway-Through-2022 roundup!