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Take The Money And Run

, , , , , , | Related | April 5, 2022

I am the author of this story about my mum.

Brother: “Mum, it’s not fair that you have my laptop. It’s mine. I need it.”

Mum: “I paid to fix it, so it’s mine now.”

This goes back and forth for some time.

Me: *To my mother* “So, I’m going to be moving out this month, and seeing as I paid to replace the oven when it broke, does that mean it’s my oven and I get to take it with me when I leave?”

The amount of steam blowing out of my mother’s ears is enough to power a small train. Accusations of filial impiety are hurled, nostrils are flared, and there is much shouting and yelling and stomping about. But when the dust finally settles, my brother does get his laptop back, and we think that’s the end of it.

Later that evening, my dad, my brother, my husband, and I are all sitting in the living room when my mum waltzes in.

Mum: “So, [My Name], you want your money back that bad? Here.”

She puts $1,000 cash on the coffee table.

Mum: “That’s what you paid for the oven, isn’t it? Have it all back. I won’t have you suggesting that I owe you either the money or the oven.”

Me: “Er, no, I never wanted the money back. I was just trying to make a point that you owed [Brother] his laptop back because, at the end of the day, it was still his laptop, even if you fixed it. Just like that oven is yours even though I paid to fix it!”

Mum: “No, you think I took your money and won’t give it back to you! So now I’m giving it back to you!”

Me: *Facepalm* “Oh, my God, this is ridiculous. You are ridiculous.”

Brother: *Barely suppressing his laughter* “Mum, you’re missing the point entirely.”

Dad: *Patiently* “[Mum], [My Name] was just trying to give you an example. She agrees that that money is your money; she was just trying to show that by the same logic, [Brother]’s laptop belongs to him. She was just making a point.”

Mum: *Snidely* “Oh, no, I understand her point completely. I’m giving the money back. Now you can no longer accuse me of anything. It’s finished.”

Everyone starts talking at the same time.

Brother: “Mum, you don’t get it—”

Husband: “You don’t understand; she wasn’t asking for any money—”

Dad: “It was just an analogy—”

Me: “I don’t want it! Take it back!”

My mum throws her hands in the air and walks out, leaving the cash on the table.

Dad speaks after her and trails off.

Dad: “It… was just… analogy…” *Looks at me* “She doesn’t understand what an analogy is, does she?”

Me: “Nope.”

All four of us stare at the money on the table.

Brother: *Clears throat* “Well, [My Name], what’s it gonna be? Your pride, or $1,000?”

Me: *Crossing my arms* “Obviously my pride.”

Dad: “You should just take the money. Might as well.”

Me: “Can’t. I’d lose my moral high ground.” *Smirks*

Brother: *Teasingly* “It’s calling to you… It’s saying, ‘[My Name]… pick me up…’”

Dad: *Sighs* “I’m going to bed. Good night.”

He leaves. My brother stretches and makes a show of getting up off the couch.

Brother: “Welllll, I mean, if nobody wants it…”

Husband: “F*** that.” *Swipes the cash off the table* “I don’t give a s*** about moral high ground. This is payback for that time she talked smack when my brother was in hospital.”

Brother: “There you go.”

We moved out the week after, and the money ended up going toward our first month’s rent.

Some People Get Hospitalized For Saying Things Like That

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