Your Sanity May Have Turned Turtle

| OH, USA | Friendly | January 15, 2015

(My friend and I are talking about a demonstration we just left involving turtles.)

Friend: “You know how they told us to hold the turtles like a cheese burger?”

Me: “Um… yeah… why?”

Friend: “Because out of absolutely nowhere I had an urge to bite the head off of the turtle,”

Me: *giving her a funny look and trying hard not to laugh* “Do you feel okay?”

Friend: “Yeah. I put the turtle down real quick after that though…”

A Poster Child For Children

| Syracuse, NY, USA | Romantic | November 21, 2014

(My boyfriend and I arrive at the zoo. We can tell just by looking that it’s rather empty because it’s one pm on a Friday and it’s during the school year. At this point, we just got out of the truck.)

Boyfriend: “But why does there have to be children here?”

Me: “Um, we’re at a zoo?”

Boyfriend: “Yes, but why does there have to be children here?”

(I look around. There’s a lady with a baby and a kid who looks to be about three and that’s about it. And they’re leaving.)

Me: *laughs* “What are you going to do when we have children?”

Boyfriend: “Ask why there’s children here.”

Me: “Poor kids are going to be so confused. I can picture it now. ‘Mooooomm, why is dad being weird. I was just sitting on the couch and he walked in and went, ‘Ugh, but why’s there gotta be children here?””

Boyfriend: “Exactly. And then I’ll tell them they’re fired and to get out of my house.”

Me: “How do you fire someone from being your child…?”

(There was no answer to this question… However, I did notice that whenever there was a kid nearby who was acting sweet/adorable, he was watching them and smiling/chuckling. Especially at the one who was having his dad hold him over his head and laughing hysterically.)

Be Prepared, For This Family

| Fresno, CA, USA | Related | November 12, 2014

(For the first time in a long time, my mom’s four children are together and visiting a zoo for a family event. I’m the oldest at 26 while my two sisters are 15 and 11. We’re all walking into the African area of the zoo.)

15-Year-Old Sister: “Great idea! Who needs a king?”

Both: “No king! No king! Lalalala!”

Me: *whirling around to stare them down* “FOOLS! There will be a king!”

11-Year-Old Sister: “But—”

Me: “I will be king! Stick with me and you’ll never go hungry again!”

Both: “Yay, all right! Long live the king! Long live the king!”

(I was deemed the king for the rest of the day and no one else in the family thought this was unusual.)

As Sick As A Parrot

| New York City, NY, USA | Right | November 10, 2014

(My friend is a small-mammal handler at a zoo. Today, she’s taken a particularly docile ferret out to let visitors encounter it first-hand. A couple comes in with a young child. I’m standing in the background.)

Mother: “Ooh, look, the zoo lady’s got a baby raccoon!”

Father: “That’s some sort of weasel!”

Child: “Mom, I wanna see the octopus.”

Mother: “Let’s go see the nice lady with the raccoon.”

Father: “Weasel.”

(The mother gives the father a look and then approaches my friend.)

Mother: “‘Excuse me, miss, what kind of animal is that?”

Friend: “This is a ferret. Her name is [Name] and she’s very friendly. You can pet her if you take care to avoid—”

Father: “Parrot!? That’s a weasel!”

Friend: “It’s a ferret. They’re in the weasel family, like—”

Father: “You sure?”

Friend: “Yes, very sure. Ferrets are among—”

Father: “Let’s go see the octopus, [Child].”

(They leave in a hurry. Curious, I follow them outside.)

Father: “D*** thing must have been sick. Pretty irresponsible of them to expose us to a sick parrot.”

Child: “Ferret.”

Father: “We just saw the parrot. I thought you wanted to see the octopus.”

Child: “Daddy, is your hearing aid on?”

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Don’t Worry About It For The Rest Of Your Days

| PA, USA | Related | September 11, 2014

(My aunt and uncle don’t have kids, so they’ve been like second parents to me and my sister. I’m visiting the zoo with them today, and we’re looking at the meerkats. A Romanian family is nearby, the kids talking loudly and excitedly about the animals.)

Aunt: “Well, it looks like we know what the Romanian word for ‘meerkat’ is: ‘Timon!'”

(I stare at her for a moment, and then burst out laughing.)

Aunt: “What?”

Me: “You can tell [Sister] and I are grown up. You haven’t watched The Lion King in a while!”

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