Hasn’t Read The Risks On The Web

| Greenville, SC, USA | Right | December 5, 2013

(Some friends and I volunteer for a local charity event at the zoo. We are in superhero costumes since the zoo is filled with daycare-age children that want to see their favorite superheroes. I am costumed as Spider-Man.)

Mother: “Excuse me, Spider-Man? My son is a huge fan of yours!”

(The mother points to a child covered in Spider-Man merchandise, from his hat to his shoes.)

Me: “Well, hey. Always great to meet a fan! Does he want a picture?”

Mother: “Well, actually, I was wondering if you could do me a favor.”

Me: “Well, sure. What do you need?”

Mother: “Well, my son really wants to go into the insect and arachnid enclosure, but I’m terrified of spiders. Would you be able to take him in there? He would trust you.”

Me: “Ma’am, did you just ask me, a guy you don’t know, to take your child into a dark, enclosed room? You don’t even know what I look like under this mask.”

(The mother gave me a deer-in-the-headlights look and then walked away. Surprisingly, she came back 10 minutes later and had her son get a picture with me!)

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The Dumbest Of The Animals

| UK | Right | September 5, 2013

(I work in a gift shop in a zoo. We have a drive-around area, and all guests are given a map on the way in.)

Guest: “Hi, I was wondering if you could help.”

Me: “Sure, what’s up?”

Guest: *pointing to the map* “Is this bit all in your car?”

Me: “Yup, you have to drive round that bit and stay in your vehicle.”

Guest: “So this bit is on foot?”

Me: “Yes.”

Guest: “Do you have to stick to the path or can you walk anywhere in this bit?”

Me: “I wouldn’t advise it, as the polar bears have access to all this area, and the tigers have access to all that area.”

Guest: “Oh… that was a really stupid question wasn’t it?”

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Aping Mankind

| Bristol, England, UK | Related | August 19, 2013

(The local zoo is rebuilding their gorilla house.)

Dad: “40mm bulletproof glass? Why do the gorillas even need guns?”

Me: “For guerrilla warfare.”

Shortest Job Ever

| Canada | Working | March 24, 2013

(I work in an elephant barn which requires lots of heavy lifting. We are warned of this during the interviewing process before we’re hired. Note: my coworker is only about five feet tall, as am I. This conversation occurs while we’re moving hay from the barn to an enclosure.)

Coworker: “These hay bales are too heavy. They shouldn’t be making short people like us lift these; it’s impossible!”

Me: “Well, it wouldn’t be fair if we got out of hard work because we’re short. Besides, I don’t really have trouble with these bales. Try lifting it with both arms and resting it against your hip as you walk; it’s a lot easier.”

Coworker: “No, it’s too hard cause we’re short.”

Me: “Well, I’m as short as you and I can manage. Like I said, if you stop trying to carry it away from your body and rest it against you, it’s a lot easier.”

Coworker: “No, it’s cause we’re short. This is too hard for us. Plus, we have to stretch to reach the backs of the elephants all the time. They should give us step stools.”

Me: “We were warned about this stuff. And they can’t supply us with step stool everywhere.”

Coworker: “We could carry them around with us on our backs!”

Me: “I’d rather stretch a bit than do that.”

Coworker: “Well, we’re so short. We shouldn’t have to do all this stuff. We’re just so short!”

(Needless to say, she didn’t last a week.)

Dying For Some Pie

| PA, USA | Right | March 8, 2013

(It’s the annual Halloween event. I am dressed as Mrs. Lovett from Sweeney Todd, but since the younger kids I watch haven’t seen the movie, I try to explain my costume in a way they can understand.)

Little Boy: “Why do you have a fake knife? What are you?”

Me: “I’m dressed as a lady who makes people into pies.”

Little Boy: “That’s awesome! I wanna make people into pies! Can you make me into a pie? I wanna eat myself!”

Me: *laughing* “Go down the slide first, then we’ll talk.”

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