I work at the zoo. I am carrying a chicken to the exercise yard. A man is eagerly following me, waiting to see what animal I have inside the carrier. The chicken is reluctant to leave her carrier at first, and when she finally exits the carrier, I say:

Me: “Good bird!”

Guest: “Why are you calling it a bird if it’s a chicken?”

I didn’t know how to respond without making him sound like a moron.

Related:
Bird Brained, Part 12
Bird Brained, Part 11
Bird Brained, Part 10
Bird Brained, Part 9
Bird Brained, Part 8

Back in 2011, I went to Africa to volunteer at an animal park. One of the areas I helped out with was a drive-through space with a pride of lions. People could drive their cars through to look at the lions, but there were rules. No cars with soft roofs (i.e., a cloth convertible top) or open roofs. Windows had to be closed at all times. Stick to the path. And so on.

Of course, people would try to break the rules, so a staff member would drive around in a truck to keep an eye on things, and sometimes volunteers would ride along to help look out. Most of it was fairly minor — cracking a window for a camera or trying to drive off the path to get closer to the lions. Except for this:

My volunteer coworker and I were in the backseat of the truck, looking out our respective windows, when suddenly my coworker gasped loudly. The staff member and I turned to look, and she was pointing toward a car that had stopped only a few feet away from the male lion.

They had two windows fully open: one for their camera and the other to DANGLE THEIR BABY OUT THE WINDOW so they could get a photo of the baby and the lion.

The staff member immediately jumped out of the truck and scrambled over to them. He briefly spoke to them. Then, they pulled the kid (and the camera) back inside, closed the windows, and drove off. When he came back, we asked him what he had said to them.

Staff Member: “I just told them that if they didn’t want their baby anymore, I had much kinder ways of getting rid of the kid than offering them up to the lions as food.”

Our zoo has a small prehistoric section that contains some model dinosaurs. A grandmother with her children approaches me as I am managing the exhibit.

Guest: “Excuse me, but where are the real dinosaurs?”

Me: “Uh… sorry, ma’am. We only have model dinosaurs here. The real dinosaurs went extinct a long time ago.”

Guest: “That must be it. When I was a little girl, I remember coming here and seeing the real dinosaurs.”

Me: “I… don’t think we’ve been open that long, ma’am.”

I work at a small zoo, and I have the pleasure of meeting a mom with a very curious six-year-old girl. When I spot the girl crossing behind the ropes of the animal enclosures, I immediately run up to the child and talk to her in a friendly voice.

Me: “No, no, no, honey, we’re not going to go that way!”

We are all taught that the last thing you should ever do is lay your hands on a child unless you need to remove them from a dangerous situation. Fortunately, the mom intervenes and removes her child. She is livid, and she tells me:

Mother: “Don’t you dare tell my child ‘No’! You do not tell her what she can or cannot do!”

The lynx looked a touch disappointed.

Related:
My Family And Other Animals, Part 12
My Family And Other Animals, Part 11
My Family And Other Animals, Part 10
My Family And Other Animals, Part 9

For the past five summers, I’ve worked in a camp’s “petting zoo” room. There are many reasons I love my job, but one of them is the hilarious and adorable things I hear from the kids, especially the youngest.

Most of our animals are secondhand from Craigslist or Facebook ads, and a lot of them are… less than “gently-used,” we’ll say. The lizards in particular often come missing bits.

This girl is about five years old.

Girl: “Why is the iguana missing her tail?”

Me: “It fell off when she was in her old home.”

Girl: “But how did it fall off?”

Me: “We don’t know. There was some sort of accident.”

Girl: *Confused whisper* “She… she maked in her pants?”

Me: “Not that kind of accident.”

My boss tells me that children saying they “need to make” is a Jewish-ism that came from Yiddish and not something gentiles say. So, for anyone who was confused, she was asking if the iguana had the potty sort of accident.