(A bunch of my family decide to go to the zoo. I end up with my cousin and his father in front of the tiger exhibit. It’s one of the ones that aren’t glassed off, it has a metal fence similar to chain link. When I walk up, my Uncle decides it would be a good idea to tease the tigers.)

Uncle: *makes goofy growling noises while flailing his arms*

Me: “Uh, I don’t think you should be doing that. That tiger looks pretty annoyed.”

Uncle: “I just want to get their attention so I can get a good picture. It’s fine, kids do this to them all the time, they’re used to it.”

(He continues to act like a 2 year old on espresso.)

Me: “Right. Okay, well when the tiger decides to eat you, I don’t know you, and you aren’t related to me.”

(The tiger gets tired of the annoying human, and approaches the fence. The tiger turns around, lifts up it’s tail, and sprays, covering my uncle from head to almost his knees.)

Uncle: *yelling obscenities and flailing for a new reason*

Me: *laughing* “Told you that was a bad idea!”

This story is part of the second Clueless Zoo Customers roundup!

Read the next Clueless Zoo Customers roundup story!

Read the Clueless Zoo Customers roundup!

(The zoo allows children aged 3 and under in free; however, this is frequently misread by visitors as ‘under three’. A couple comes in with a boy aged around 5, and a little girl. My dad’s on the entrance till, while I’m waiting to take over for lunch break.)

Customer: “Two adults and one child, please. She’s two.” *points at their little girl*

Customer’s Little Boy: “Mummy, she’s three! She’s not two, mummy. Don’t you remember? She had a birthday and a cake and she’s three now. She’s not two any more! I got her a present and her friends came over and…”

Customer: *puts on a ghastly fake smile and drags both children away*

Customer’s Little Boy: *while being dragged away* “But she’s THREE!”

(On my days off, I intern at a morgue. Because of this, my coworkers frequently ask me very odd questions.)

Coworker: “Hey, come here. You work in a morgue. You might be able to answer this.”

Me: “Oh, here we go. Do I want to know?”

Coworker: “What would be the best way to fillet a person?”

Me: “You mean to cook and eat?!”

Coworker: “Yeah!”

Me: “Have we forgotten that though I work in a morgue, I’m also vegetarian?”

Coworker: “Oh yeah. Never mind. Carry on…”

(My mother-in-law is holding my toddler up to look at an animal at the zoo.)

Mother-in-law: “Look at the hippo! Hi, hippo!”

(She sees a zookeeper nearby and calls him over.)

Mother-in-law: “Excuse me, do you ever let children pet the hippo?”

Zookeeper: *horrified* “No. No, we do not let children pet the animals. And… that’s a rhinoceros.”

This story is part of our Mother-In-Law roundup!

Want to read the next story? Click here!

Want to see the roundup? Click here!

(I am at the zoo with my little cousin to see the pandas that have recently arrived.)

Visitor: “Aw, look at it! It’s just so cute! They’re not dangerous, are they?”

Worker: “Um, well, they’re bears… they’re just as dangerous as other bears.

Visitor: “But if I were to walk into the enclosure, it wouldn’t hurt me. I could touch it, couldn’t I?”

Worker: “Well, no. It’s a bear.”

Visitor: “Oh, but the female! She must be very gentle. I could touch the female panda.”

Worker: “Actually, she’s pretty feisty. I wouldn’t go near her, either!”

Visitor: “Aw, I really thought they were cute and lovely, like big teddy bears! I’m so disillusioned now…”

This story is part of the second Clueless Zoo Customers roundup!

Read the next Clueless Zoo Customers roundup story!

Read the Clueless Zoo Customers roundup!