A Touch Too Much

, , , , | Friendly | March 2, 2018

(My sister has three children under five and is pregnant with her fourth. She is at a zoo, with her three-year-old and one-year-old in a double stroller, and her five-year-old walking along with her. She turns and bends down to talk with her five-year-old about one of the animals, and hears this behind her.)

Three-Year-Old: “Her name is [One-Year-Old]. Mommy doesn’t let people we don’t know touch her. No touching her.”

(My sister turns around to see an old lady trying to get her one-year-old child out of the stroller. She starts getting up, but as she’s pregnant, so it takes a bit.)

Sister: “I’m sorry, but I’d really rather you leave her in the stroller.”

Woman: “Did you hear what your son said to me? It’s so disrespectful.”

Sister: “I heard him very respectfully stand up for his sister who can’t talk for herself, and follow the rules I’ve given him.”

(The woman now notices that she’s pregnant, and runs over and begins rubbing her pregnant belly.)

Woman: “Oh, and you have another little one! I just love pregnant women. They just glow.”

Sister: “I can see the pattern here, because you don’t have permission to touch me, either.”

Woman: “Oh, you’re a mother. You can’t mind people touching you! I’m sure they’re—” *gesturing to the children* “—climbing all over you constantly.”

Sister: “But they’re my children. You’re not my child.”

Making A Boob Of Yourself, Part 2

, , , , | Right | January 12, 2018

(In the parking booth on a night of an event:)

Me: “Welcome to [Zoo]. Are you a zoo member?”

Customer: “No. How much is it?”

Me: “It’s [price].”

Customer: “Seriously? What if she shows your her boobs? Can we get a discount?”

Me: “Sorry, not today; it’s still [price].”

Customer: *pays and drives off*

 

Related:

Making A Boob Of Yourself

Why Not Throw In The Easter Bunny, While You’re At It?

, , , , , | Right | January 9, 2018

(A little kid understands horns, but he can’t understand how antlers fall off then grow back.)

Little Boy: “So, the animal dies, then the antlers fall off?”

Me: “No, they fall off, and then a new pair grows while the animal is still alive.”

Little Boy: “But the animal dies?”

Me: *getting frustrated* “No. It’s like losing a tooth. You lose one, and a new one grows in, but this happens to some animals once a year.”

Little Boy: “But the tooth fairy makes me lose my teeth.”

Me: “Well, the antler fairy makes them lose theirs.”

Little Boy: “And then she takes them, right?”

Me: “Yeah!”

Little Boy: “But how did you get that one?” *pointing at the antler*

Me: “Well, the antler fairy brings them to zoos so we can tell people about them.”

Little Boy: “But what about Santa?”

Me: *confused* “Santa?”

Little Boy: “Yeah, doesn’t he like to keep the antlers?”

Me: “He keeps some, but the rest he gives to the antler fairy.”

Little Boy: “Ohhhhhhhh.”

No, But They Will Make You Howling Mad

, , , , | Right | January 9, 2018

(This happens to a coworker of mine. They are standing in front of the wolf pen:)

Zoo Visitor: “Are the wolf eggs poisonous?”

 

Keeps This Santa Train Running

, , , , , , | Related | December 24, 2017

(My siblings and I are at the zoo with my parents. It is December, so they have a Santa’s Grotto for kids to visit. I’m about four and my sister is six. Whilst my mum takes my baby brother for a feed, my dad takes my sister and me to see Santa. We both still believe in Santa, but our parents have also told us that the “Santas” you see in shops, etc, are almost never the real one, just his helpers, because he’s too busy to visit everywhere in the run up to Christmas. This is why there are so many different Santas around.)

Santa: “Hello, girls! What can I get you for Christmas?”

Me: “I want a toy dog, please!”

Sister: “Sparkly pens, please!”

Santa: “My, what good choices! I’ll see what I can do!”

Me: *loud whisper* “Daddy, is it really Santa or one of his helpers?”

Santa: *overhearing, turns to my dad with a smile* “Ah, sorry, sir! What did you say your name was?”

Dad: “Oh, it’s [Dad].”

Santa: “Oh, [Dad], of course! I almost didn’t recognise you. How’s the train set I gave you all those years ago? Still got it?”

(My dad tells him that the train set is at his parents’ house. Santa smiles and says he is glad my dad enjoyed it. My sister and I each get to choose a cheap present from Santa’s sack before we leave. As we’re going, I turn to my dad.)

Me: “Daddy, did you really get a train set for Christmas when you were little?”

Dad: “Yes, I did! I played with it all the time. We should ask Granny to get it out when we go round there!”

(In awe, I gazed back at Santa, who smiled and waved at me. Until I became old enough to realise Santa wasn’t real, I was convinced that I had met the true Santa!)

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