(I am working when I hear my coworker call my name. An elderly man has just entered the kitchen via the back door, so I go to tell him his mistake.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, you’ve come in the wrong door. This is the kitchen.”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “This is the staff entrance, sir. I’m afraid you can’t be in here.”

Customer: “Well, can’t I just come through, anyway?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t let you do that; it’s against health and safety regulations.”

Customer: *suddenly angry* “Well, what if I was dead, huh? Could I come in your kitchen if I was dead?”

Me: “Uh… Let me just show you the way to the main entrance, sir…”

(Try as I might, I couldn’t think of any circumstances where being in our kitchen could benefit a dead person!)

(I asked my wife the question. I was raised in the South and went hunting a lot.)

Me: “What would you do if I was bitten by a zombie?”

Wife: “Logically, I’d shoot you. But in reality I have no idea.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure I’d shoot you, but I’m better with guns than you are.”

Wife: “This is true. Eh, we’re together enough that we’d probably be bitten at the same time, anyway.”

Me: “Fair enough.”

Related:
Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 70
Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 69
Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 68

(A few months ago we signed up for pet insurance for all four of our animals. This month, we got caught by surprise by the payment and as a result, one of the payments did not process correctly. This is the email we got regarding the payment that did not process:)

Email: “Please call us on [number] or email us quoting [policy number] in regards to your insurance payment for your pet Zombie.”

(Punctuation is EVERYTHING.)

Weekly Roundup: Zombies. This week’s roundup is about the undead. ‘Nuff said.

1. Five Days Later (6,534 thumbs up)
2. Jane Austinpocalypse (2,356 thumbs up)
3. Zombies Need Friends Too (1,396 thumbs up)
4. Hear, Speak, Say, Play No Evil (3,556 thumbs up)
5. Zombies Need Contractors Too (1,515 thumbs up)

PS #1: check out our Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

(I am a customer at a very popular superstore in my town. This is in 2012, not long after an incident has been reported in the news of someone attacking a homeless man in Florida. I have my five-year-old daughter in line with me. An elderly customer is in front of me talking to the cashier.)

Cashier: “Hello, how can I help—”

Customer: “How dare you.”

Cashier: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “How dare you wear that keychain!”

Cashier: “I don’t understand.”

Customer: “That!”

(The customer points at the cashier’s keychain, which has a zombie on it.)

Customer: “How could you support that man in Florida? He ate another man’s face while he was naked! How dare you!”

(The cashier is completely stunned, but my daughter suddenly steps up to the aggravated woman.)

My Daughter: “Lady, that man wasn’t a zombie. He was just crazy. Zombie’s aren’t real! You should know that. You’re about a hundred!”