It’s Barely Cute When A Child Does It…

, , , , , | Romantic | December 19, 2017

(I’m standing in line when I notice the bottle of tea I’m holding has leaked all over my shoes and the floor. I let out a little cry of shock and head back to the cooler to replace it. When I get back up front, the guy who was standing behind me in line is checking out.)

Guy: *turns around* “Haha, I beat you!”

(I just stare at him incredulously.)

Guy: “So, how you doin’?”

(My eyebrows couldn’t possibly go higher.)

Guy: “Just not going to say anything, huh?”

Me: “‘Haha, I beat you.’? Are you five years old?”

Guy: *goes a little red* “No! Just, I know you were up here… but then I… I got to the counter first.”

Me: “Yup. Congratulations.”

Guy:  “And, uh… You’re pretty. So, I’m hoping I could get your number.”

Me: “Wow, seriously? No. If you want a woman’s number, try acting like a man instead of a child.”

(He left in a hurry.)

“Cut-Out” The Dressing Part

, , , , | Right | December 4, 2017

(My husband and I own one of those photography studios where people dress up in “wild west” costumes and get a sepia-toned picture taken. We have examples of the pictures all over the walls, so people can get ideas as to how they want to dress. One day an older couple walks in.)

Customer: “How long does it take to get a photo done?”

Me: “For two people? I can have you in and out with your print in about fifteen minutes.”

Customer: “Just fifteen minutes? We have a trolley to catch.”

Me: “You mean the city trolley that leaves at [time]? This only takes fifteen minutes, so you’ll be out in time to catch your trolley, no problem.”

Customer: “Oh, good! How do we start?”

Me: “You just have to decide how you want to dress!”

Customer: *just now noticing the wall covered in photos* “You mean we dress up?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “We don’t just put our head in a cut-out?”

Me: *a little taken aback, as older customers usually know exactly what this kind of thing is* “…yes.”

Customer: “Oh, we don’t have time for that.”

Me: “But it only would take fifteen minutes.”

Customer: “I’m sorry; we just don’t have time. Bye!”

(Apparently not all “fifteen minutes” are created equal.)

Taking A Big Bite Out Of Your Parenting

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 18, 2017

(I am kneeling in a bookstore looking for a particular book, and there is a mother with a toddler nearby. The mother is absorbed in her book. Suddenly her toddler runs up to me, then grabs and BITES DOWN ON MY BOOB — and I feel teeth!)

Me: *yelps* “What the f***?!”

Mother: *whips her head around like Linda Blair, glaring at me* “Excuse me! Don’t swear in front of my kid!”

Me: “Your kid just bit me!” *I stand up and gesture where he bit me*

Mother: “Oh, he must’ve been hungry.”

Me: “What? That’s not okay!”

Employee: *investigating the commotion* “What’s going on? Is everything okay?”

Me: “I—”

Mother: “It’s nothing really; she’s overreacting. Some people just can’t handle children.”

(With that, she picks up her kid and walks off like it was nothing. I explain to the employee what happened.)

Employee: “Oh… uh… Do you need—” *he gestures, clearly flustered* “—I mean, are you—”

Me: “It’s fine. Just… I’ll be going.”

(I never ran into that woman or her kid again, but since then I’ve been very wary of toddlers that aren’t being watched closely — once bitten, twice shy, I guess!)

A Realization As Cold As Ice

, , , , , , , | Learning | November 7, 2017

(We are learning about the Vikings in English class. The teacher has just begun talking about how the Vikings were great explorers and reached America in circa AD 1000. [Classmate #1] is quite rude and thinks everyone should be on her side.)

Teacher: “They came from Iceland, which they discovered 150 years earlier…”

Classmate #1: *rather accusingly* “But they didn’t discover it, did they, Miss?”

Teacher: *bewildered* “What do you mean? It says so right here—”

Classmate #1: *smugly* “It says nothing about the native Icelanders. Is it like with the Native Americans, and the Vikings just—” *makes finger quotes* “—’discovered’ Iceland first? Did they erase their culture from the history books?”

([Classmate #1] is smiling, as if she has stumbled upon a great secret.)

Teacher: “Okay, just humour me for a second.”

(She brings up an online video of where each place was discovered, from the first humans in central Africa. At Viking exploration, she pauses it.)

Teacher: “Just concentrate for a second.”

(The video clearly states that the Vikings were the first to reach Iceland, due to its remoteness. [Classmate #1] is shrieking in uproar as we struggle not to laugh.)

Classmate #1: “That can’t be right! It’s a conspiracy! The Vikings were white! White people never arrive anywhere first!”

Classmate #2: “What about the Moon?”

([Classmate #1] ran out, screaming that she was going to get the principal and that the teacher was racist.)

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