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The Smaller The Town, The More Concentrated The Crazy

, , , , , | Right | March 15, 2022

I drive for a popular rideshare app in a town of 55,000 people. Tonight, I get one ride that leads me to a golf course to pick someone up. Once I get near, I receive an automated phishing text with the usual florid language and bad grammar asking for my credentials to send a huge payment. Not being an idiot, I instead send the local police department number and cancel the ride. I figure at least it’s the weirdest thing that will happen to me tonight.

My next pickup seems normal enough until she texts asking if I can pick her up in the alley. That’s not too unusual for this city and housing layouts. When I arrive to pick her up, she is hiding behind a large trash bin… pantsless.

I am thinking surely this can’t be my rider… but no… it is. Unfortunately for me, I have a sense of chivalry and don’t want to leave her there cowering in the dark half-naked. I drive her home. I’m fairly certain she is on meth. She keeps complaining about her lazy husband not wanting to come to pick her up.

I’m so glad I carry disinfectant with me.

Forecast: Steamy

, , , , , , , | Working | November 17, 2021

I’m at my desk, listening to the person in the next office request a Florida weather report.

Coworker: “Alexa, what’s the weather in Kissimmee, Florida?”

Alexa: “But we’re just good friends!”

She tried the Kissimmee weather request a couple more times and then switched to Orlando. Evidently, Alexa doesn’t consider weather requests for Orlando come-ons.

Planting The Seeds Of Knowledge

, , , , , , , | Related | November 16, 2021

My friend was trying to conceive using donor sperm shipped to them. Their adoptive son saw the container arrive and asked his mother what it was.

Friend: “You know how we plant seeds to make plants grow? These are sort of like baby seeds. They go into me and, hopefully, they will make a baby start growing!”

Her son seemed content with this; he already knew they were trying for another child. A few weeks later, my friend was on Facebook when she saw a post from her son’s pregnant teacher.

Teacher: “The things you hear as a teacher. Today, I had a kid ask me if I was pregnant because my husband planted baby seeds in me.”

Realizing that had to have been her son, my friend wrote back apologizing and explaining the context of her son’s question. The teacher just wished her good luck with growing her baby seeds.

Speaking The Bare Condom-minimum

, , , , | Right | May 27, 2021

I have just started a new job as a stocker in a popular chain store. So far, I’ve mostly worked one department while occasionally jumping into other departments. The one department I’ve worked the most is Health/Beauty and Cosmetics. Even though I’m only been here three weeks, I’ve gotten the area down. One day, during my third week here, I am stocking some shampoos when a customer comes up to me.

Customer: “Do you have male gloves?”

Me: “Yes, what kind of gloves are you looking for?”

I think he’s looking for automotive gloves or gardening gloves.

Customer: “No, no. Male gloves.”

What the h*** else would be ‘male gloves’? I have a very confused look on my face.

Customer: “MALE GLOVESSSSS!”

He points to his pants. Sometimes I can’t catch onto things, so I still look confused.

Customer: *Sighs* “You know, condoms?!”

Me: “Oh, yeah! They’re just a couple aisles over in the cosmetics section.”

Who the h*** says, “Male gloves,” for condoms?

Me: “You could have said that; there’s no shame here.”

Customer: “I didn’t want to make it weird.”

Well, congratulations. You did!

They’re Still Frozen On Their View Of The World

, , , , , | Right | April 27, 2021

The power company comes out to our store before we open to shut off the power for a bit to test stuff. Turning it back on shorts out our freezers for the frozen aisles. No one notices until it is too late, so for the next five and a half hours, five other workers and I spend our time clearing out the messy, now unfrozen, items.

Customer #1: “Oh, what’s going on?”

Me: “Our freezers shorted out, so we have to pull all this product.”

Customer #1: “Oh, okay.”

She proceeds to attempt to shop in the freezer section anyway.

Coworker: “Ma’am! We just said that the freezers were broken. We can’t sell that right now!”

Customer #1: “Oh, but I was going to have it for dinner.”

Next customer:

Customer #2: “Why’s this so warm and wet?”

Coworker: “Our freezers broke. I’m sorry but we can’t sell that.”

Customer #2: “Well, you should have said something!”

This is after they have bypassed our barricades and such.

Coworker: “Right.”

The next customer is holding literal cartons of ice cream soup, trying not to squeeze too hard so the top pops off or spills.

Customer #3: “Oh, what happened to your ice cream?

Me: “All our ice cream is melted. Our freezers aren’t working. None of it is frozen anymore.”

She is still holding the ice cream. Ice cream is now dripping from it and several other tubs have popped open and are leaking.

Customer #3: “Oh. Are you sure I can’t grab some?”