Snow Wonder They Crashed!

, , , , , | Friendly | February 27, 2019

A few years ago, in December, my wife and I were driving south on an interstate highway in Wyoming. It was early evening, full dark, with a snowstorm and strong winds blowing snow across the road making for near whiteout conditions. Driving was extremely hazardous and we were in the right lane travelling at 25 mph or less.

Suddenly, in my driver’s side mirror, I saw headlights rapidly approaching in the passing lane. A moment later, we were passed by an 18-wheeler. I estimated he was going at least 65 mph, probably faster. My spoken thought was, “That stupid f***er is going to crash!”

Less than ten minutes later, the prediction came true. On this portion of the highway the median was very wide and depressed below the N-S driving lanes, and there on its side was the truck. The skid marks in the snow were fresh enough that it had to be the same driver. I have to admit that the Schadenfreude I felt at the instant karma was extremely satisfying as we passed.

Before the commentariat get in an uproar over my failure to stop, read on:

1. One car had already stopped to render aid.

2. Under the driving conditions, stopped cars were very dangerous and I didn’t want to add to the risk.

3. From the tracks, it was clear that the truck hadn’t rolled, just toppled and slid, and there was no fire. Assuming the driver had been wearing his safety harness correctly, he was unlikely to be seriously hurt.

4. Even if #3 was incorrect, the human race just became marginally more intelligent.

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Microchip Micro-Aggressions

, , , , | Romantic | February 25, 2019

(My husband and I have just dropped off our kitten to get spayed and microchipped. It’s important to note that we have other dogs and cats, and my dad is a narcissist who tried breaking us up several years ago.)

Me: “Let’s get the Bengals microchipped when we get their next shots.”

Husband: “Deal. Do they mark the ear to show they’re microchipped?”

Me: “I don’t know. I know dogs get tags.” *pauses and glances at my husband* “I wonder if they microchip husbands.”

Husband: *laughs* “Man found on side of road, bump on head. Doctors say his last memory was telling wife that father-in-law was right all along.”

Me: “Yep, that’d do it!”

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Snow Time To Slow Down

, , , , , , | Related | February 22, 2019

(My parents and my two brothers and I go to visit my aunt and uncle in Texas for Christmas. We live in Washington state, but my parents decide to drive. We’ve stopped for the night in a hotel in Wyoming. At the time, my brothers and I are young enough and small enough that my parents just turn us sideways on the bed and things are usually pretty good. In the middle of the night, both of my parents wake up when they hear the thump of one of my brothers rolling off the bed. When no screams come, they both rush out of bed to make sure he’s okay.)

Dad: “He’s still breathing. Here, hand me that blanket, so we don’t have to try and wake him up. He’ll be fine here.”

(He grabs his pillow and the blanket and does his best to cover my brother up. My mom moves in to use the bathroom since she’s up. for an unknown reason, my dad heads towards the window and peeks out the curtain.)

Dad: “Get dressed. We need to leave now!”

Mom: “What?”

Dad: *turning on the lights* “We need to leave. Now!”

(Outside, the snow is falling pretty badly, semis are on their sides in the ditches, and the snow is piling up. My brothers are really heavy sleepers and don’t wake up, so my dad just carries them to the car while my mom has me help her get stuff packed up. We get into the car, check out of the hotel, and stop at a gas station to fill up and grab a case of water. Then, we get on the freeway. My mom turns on the radio)

Announcer: “We’ve just closed the highway at [Exit #1].”

Mom: “We just passed that.”

Dad: “Uh-huh.”

Announcer: “We’ve just closed the highway at [Exit #2].”

Mom: “And that one!”

Dad: “Yep.”

Announcer: “Highway has been closed at [Exit #3].”

Mom: “That one, too!”

Dad: “Yeah.”

(It turned out we were racing the storm. My dad was literally just ahead of it; when my mom and I glanced back, there was just this wall of grey chasing us. We made it out of Wyoming without getting stopped. Overall, it took us about two and a half days to get to my aunt and uncle’s house. We avoided Wyoming on the way home… just in case.)

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We Support Breastfeeding… To A Degree

, , , , , | Right | February 11, 2019

(I work at a well-known pet store; I handle the phone calls and help customers find things they need. I receive a call from a customer who at first doesn’t know how to find us. I have to try to guide him through the phone, yet he refuses to give me details of his current location.)

Me: “Okay, sir, what street are you currently on?”

Customer: “I don’t know!”

Me: “Look for a sign indicating what street you are on, and I can give you directions from there.”

(After a couple of minutes he finally finds a street sign. I am then able to give him directions. At this point, I think our phone conversation will be over, but he then asks me a question.)

Customer: “Do you guys sell puppy food?”

Me: “Yes, we do, sir! We have tons of different brands with puppy formula.”

Customer: “Perfect. I’ve been driving around all day to find a puppy formula!”

Me: *mentally* “How hard is it to find puppy food?”

(About ten minutes later an older gentlemen approaches me, asking where the puppy food is.)

Me: “Did you just call our store?”

Customer: “Yes, I did.”

Me: “Great! I was the one who spoke with you!”

Customer: *looking annoyed* “Can you just take me to the food?”

Me: “Yes, right this way.”

(I proceed to show him the different puppy foods we carry. Suddenly, he throws his hands up in the air and starts yelling.)

Customer: “I said I needed puppy formula; this isn’t puppy formula!”

(I point at the bags and show him that they each say, “Puppy Formula.”)

Customer: “No, like puppy formula for dogs who are nursing! My dog is already dried out!”

Me: “I apologize, sir, that there has been a misunderstanding, but I’m afraid we do not sell puppy formula for nursing dogs here.”

Customer: “I specified on the phone that they were only seven weeks old!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t ever remember you specifying that they were only seven weeks old.”

Customer: “Besides that, puppies can’t have kibble until they are at least two years old!”

Me: “Sir, have you ever had dogs before or bred dogs before?”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “Then let me just say that dogs don’t have to wait until they are two years old to eat solid food; they can start eating solid food as soon as four weeks. Who told you dogs couldn’t eat solid food until they were two years old?”

Customer: “I Googled it.”

Me: “So, you’ve been giving these dogs nothing but milk for seven weeks?! Through the mother?!”

Customer: “Yes, she’s been breastfeeding them for seven weeks, and now she’s dry; I need formula! Also, do you have a cream? Her nipples are bleeding.”

(Some people shouldn’t be allowed to have pets.)

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Unfiltered Story #127522

, , | Unfiltered | November 19, 2018

So I’m at my job (it’s a McDonalds, by the way) working the overnight shift when this exchange takes place.

Me: Hi how can i help?

Customer: Hey are you guys closed?

Me: (in my best sarcasm voice) Yes we are.

Customer: Oh really?

Me: (giggle) I’m sorry. No we are open. I was just trying to make a joke. What can I make for ya?

Customer: I don’t wanna bother you since your closed. *drives off*

Me and my co-worker at the same time: What.