I am working at a gas station in a service station on one side of a freeway. Our side of the freeway is going south, with our sister station a little up the way on the other side of the freeway serving customers driving north.

Two gentlemen have just paid for gas and snacks.

Me: “Will that be everything, gentlemen?”

Customer #1: “Yes, but can you tell us how much further it is to Canada?”

Me: “Canada? That’s at least a thousand miles north of here.”

Customer #2: “Still so far! But we’ve been driving all day!”

Me: “Sirs, just to confirm. To get here, you must have been driving on the south side of the freeway. Did you detour here after driving north?”

Customer #1: “No, we’ve been on this side all the way.”

Me: “Then I am sorry to say, sirs, but you’ve been driving the wrong way. Canada is north of here, but you’ve been heading toward Mexico.”

[Customer #2] slaps [Customer #1] upside the head.

Customer #2: “I told you it was strange that it wasn’t getting colder!”

Customer #1: “Hey! Canada can have heat waves, too!”

Customer #2: “What would you have done when we got to the Mexican border? Huh?!”

Customer #1: “Left you there and turned around!”

They left, bickering, hopefully in the right direction.

I work at a campground at a resort between Yellowstone and Grand Teton National Parks. Since we’re in bear country, there are storage lockers for foodstuffs and warnings all over the place (including signs fixed to every picnic table) warning not to leave food out.

Rangers patrol the area and routinely leave warnings for people that leave coolers on their tables while they are out for the day. They get a warning for the first offense, and items are confiscated for repeat offenders.

A group comes to the campground office complaining.

Park Guest: “Our food has been stolen!”

Me: “Which locker did you leave it in?”

Park Guest: “Locker? What locker? We left it on the table.”

Me: “Park rangers will confiscate food if it’s left on the picnic tables.”

Park Guest: “Well then, get it back for us!”

Me: “Well, it’s quite late, so the ranger station is actually closed. You’ll have to wait until tomorrow to retrieve your food.”

Park Guest: “That’s unacceptable! That’s our food!”

Me: “Either the ranger confiscates it and you get it back, or a bear eats it and you get nothing. Which would you prefer?”

Silence.

Park Guest: *Storming off* “Stupid bears, ruining the park for everybody.”

Back in the days of video rental stores, I am working a Saturday night and a new big-budget action movie is now available. It’s rated PG-13 for some “moderate action violence” but nothing too crazy.

A mother comes up to the counter with her children. They look excited to see the movie.

Mother: “I’m worried this movie might be a bit violent for my children.”

Me: “I’m no expert and I don’t know your kids, but unless they’re a bit sensitive it should be suitable for most children aged eight and up I’d say.”

Mother: “But they really want to see this movie. Hmm. Do you have it as a PG or G version?”

Me: “Uh… no, ma’am. That movie was released as a PG-13.”

Mother: “Do you have any at the back?”

Me: “…it doesn’t work that way, ma’am. The movie is made by a studio and released as is. We don’t get different versions of it.”

Mother: “Well… could you ask them?”

Me: “You want me, a clerk in a video rental store, to call a major Hollywood studio, to ask them to release a PG edit of their blockbuster movie and send it to this little store in Wyoming, for you to watch with your children tonight?”

Mother: “Is that complicated? I can pick it up from [Store on other side of town] if that’s easier?”

I tried to explain how moviemaking works quickly. She rented the movie. I didn’t hear any complaints.

Related:
Rated R You Serious?!, Part 9
Rated R You Serious?!, Part 8
Rated R You Serious?!, Part 7
Rated R You Serious?!, Part 6
Rated R You Serious?, Part 5

For the past several years, I’ve worked in our public library’s computer lab. Most of my job consists of helping patrons print and doing some basic troubleshooting. It’s not very busy these days, but our management tries to schedule two people on the desk at all times to cover breaks and keep wait times down.

An older man is standing by our payment kiosk. He hasn’t asked for help, but it sounds like he’s struggling, so I head over to see what I can do. I see him about to insert his library card into the bill collector and, afraid he’s about to lose his card and potentially damage the machine, I hurry to intervene.

Me: “Oh, no, no, no! Not like that! Here, let me—”

Patron: “I AM NOT A TODDLER! Don’t you dare talk to me like one!”

I’m struck dumb with shock. This explosion came out of nowhere from what I can tell. All I can do is mutely point to where he needs to put his card to proceed and return to the desk once he’s got his prints. My coworker gives me a wide-eyed look and we nod to each other, a silent agreement that that was kind of crazy.

For a time, it’s peaceful, but before long, it sounds like the man is struggling again, this time resorting to muttered curses under his breath. Steeling myself, I go over to the man once more. This time, he’s sitting at a computer, so I stand opposite of him with a table between us. He refuses to look at me at first.

Me: “Sir, do you need any—”

Patron: “What I need is to not be treated like a child! I’m a grown man and will be respected as one!”

Me: “Speaking of which, the language you have been using is inappropriate and needs to stop. We are here to help you, sir, and if you don’t want help from me personally, that’s fine and I understand. My coworker is here and she can help you, or we can contact a manager if that’s what you’d prefer. But we cannot help you if you don’t ask us for it. Do we have an understanding?”

The man had deflated somewhat, but he muttered petulantly about not cursing, and when I informed him that the desk was not at all far from where we were and we could hear him, he fell silent.

I returned to the desk and quietly offered an apology to my coworker for putting her on the spot like that. Thankfully, she said she understood and agreed that it was probably the right call.

Sure enough, the patron came to my coworker and asked for her help before leaving. I was helping someone else at the time, so I don’t know how the exchange went, but it was certainly much quieter, and my coworker reported that he was much more polite with her.

I work at a pharmacy. Due to assorted unexpected issues, we were struggling to work as fast as we usually did and had a large line backed up waiting. Thankfully, everyone was being fairly understanding about the delay.

One man, in particular, seemed completely indifferent to the wait, reading something on his phone and seeming completely relaxed as he waited. At least he did, until he suddenly gave an unexpected gasp, typed something on his phone real fast, then looked up with clear excitement and impatience, eyeing the door as if he planned to run out right then.

Me: “Sir, are you okay?”

Man: “Yeah, just… my wife’s labor is early! She’s hours away right now, and I really want to get there in time. If I didn’t need this prescription…”

Customer: “Oh, congratulations! Go ahead in front.”

All the other customers in line made similar offers, allowing him to skip to the front of the line as we rushed to get him his prescription as quickly as possible. He gave everyone a very sincere-sounding thank-you as he practically ran out the door with his prescription.

Sometime later, I saw the man in our line again.

Me: “It’s you again. How did the delivery go? Did you make it in time?”

Man: “Oh, wow! I’m surprised you remember. Yes, I sort of made it, thanks.”

Me: “Sort of?”

Man: “Seems my wife was really impatient to be done with the pregnancy. Not only did she go into labor way early, but she went through the whole labor and birth in record time. She dislocated our daughter’s arm pushing her out so quickly. I got there just a few minutes too late for her birth.”

Me: “Oh, no. I’m sorry about your daughter and your missing it.”

Man: “Oh, it’s all right; she’s fine now. And I did at least make it in time to be there for our son’s birth!”

Here he grinned from ear to ear at me as he held up his phone showing a photo of his newborn twins, complete with the most adorable tiny sling on his daughter’s arm.

Man: “Other than some jaundice, they’re doing great. Please thank everyone that was working that day again for helping me get there in time.”