(I work at a well-known pet store; I handle the phone calls and help customers find things they need. I receive a call from a customer who at first doesn’t know how to find us. I have to try to guide him through the phone, yet he refuses to give me details of his current location.)

Me: “Okay, sir, what street are you currently on?”

Customer: “I don’t know!”

Me: “Look for a sign indicating what street you are on, and I can give you directions from there.”

(After a couple of minutes he finally finds a street sign. I am then able to give him directions. At this point, I think our phone conversation will be over, but he then asks me a question.)

Customer: “Do you guys sell puppy food?”

Me: “Yes, we do, sir! We have tons of different brands with puppy formula.”

Customer: “Perfect. I’ve been driving around all day to find a puppy formula!”

Me: *mentally* “How hard is it to find puppy food?”

(About ten minutes later an older gentlemen approaches me, asking where the puppy food is.)

Me: “Did you just call our store?”

Customer: “Yes, I did.”

Me: “Great! I was the one who spoke with you!”

Customer: *looking annoyed* “Can you just take me to the food?”

Me: “Yes, right this way.”

(I proceed to show him the different puppy foods we carry. Suddenly, he throws his hands up in the air and starts yelling.)

Customer: “I said I needed puppy formula; this isn’t puppy formula!”

(I point at the bags and show him that they each say, “Puppy Formula.”)

Customer: “No, like puppy formula for dogs who are nursing! My dog is already dried out!”

Me: “I apologize, sir, that there has been a misunderstanding, but I’m afraid we do not sell puppy formula for nursing dogs here.”

Customer: “I specified on the phone that they were only seven weeks old!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t ever remember you specifying that they were only seven weeks old.”

Customer: “Besides that, puppies can’t have kibble until they are at least two years old!”

Me: “Sir, have you ever had dogs before or bred dogs before?”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “Then let me just say that dogs don’t have to wait until they are two years old to eat solid food; they can start eating solid food as soon as four weeks. Who told you dogs couldn’t eat solid food until they were two years old?”

Customer: “I Googled it.”

Me: “So, you’ve been giving these dogs nothing but milk for seven weeks?! Through the mother?!”

Customer: “Yes, she’s been breastfeeding them for seven weeks, and now she’s dry; I need formula! Also, do you have a cream? Her nipples are bleeding.”

(Some people shouldn’t be allowed to have pets.)

So I’m at my job (it’s a McDonalds, by the way) working the overnight shift when this exchange takes place.

Me: Hi how can i help?

Customer: Hey are you guys closed?

Me: (in my best sarcasm voice) Yes we are.

Customer: Oh really?

Me: (giggle) I’m sorry. No we are open. I was just trying to make a joke. What can I make for ya?

Customer: I don’t wanna bother you since your closed. *drives off*

Me and my co-worker at the same time: What.

(This sounds like an old joke, but I swear it happened. We are in the checkout line at a hotel in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. The clerk asks the woman how her stay was.)

Woman: “Oh, this part of it was good, but now we have to go home.”

Clerk: “Yeah, I know. It’s no fun when your vacation is over.”

Woman: “Yeah, we were going to go to Yellowstone, but Old Faithful is closed this week, so we have to come back another time.”

Clerk: *with a strange look on his face* “Closed? Who told you that?”

Woman: “We were talking to some people in the restaurant last night, and they told us it was closed for cleaning.”

Clerk: “No, ma’am. It’s a natural hot spring geyser. It will still keep erupting a hundred years from now… I think someone was pulling your leg!”

(I have to give the clerk lots of credit, though. He waited until they were outside to start laughing.)

(I work in retail and get this often enough that I am tired of hearing it. One afternoon a coworker and I are folding clothes on a table that guests have messed up while shopping.)

Guest: “Miss, do you work here?”

Me: *looks down at my obvious work uniform* “No, sir, my friend and I here just like folding clothes at various retail stores for kicks.”

Guest: “Oh, okay.” *walks off*

(Between my laughter and my coworker’s, I went to the man and apologized, explaining I did work here, and helped him. He laughed, too, so all was good, but he was the first guest that had taken me seriously.)

(I work at a national, well-known bank in a small town. For cashier’s checks, we normally charge $10 unless a customer is in a special type account. Normally, if I see that they can get the checks for free, I try to convert their accounts first and then make their check.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Bank]. What may I help you with today?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’d like to pull out $1,000 in cash and make a cashier’s check for $4,000.”

Me: “Great! I’d be happy to assist. Who are we making the check out to?”

Customer: “To myself; I’m moving money around.”

(I look up the customer with his ID, and begin to tell him about how with his account, the check would cost $10.)

Me: “Mr. [Customer], the check would cost $10. However, because you have such outstanding balances with us, I can see about converting your account name so you won’t have to pay for them. How does that sound?”

Customer: *obviously annoyed* “That’s ridiculous! I have been banking with you for longer than you’ve been alive! I shouldn’t have to pay for making a d*** check! With my own money!”

Me: “Sir, that’s why I suggested we change your account name. No numbers or routing numbers change, just the account title. I want you to get your checks for free.”

(The customer is still ranting about how the bank is just out to get people’s money and that we have no appreciation for local business.)

Customer: “I’m just going to move all my accounts to [Other Local Bank], since you people don’t value my time or my money!”

Me: “Okay! Have a great afternoon!”