(This sounds like an old joke, but I swear it happened. We are in the checkout line at a hotel in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. The clerk asks the woman how her stay was.)

Woman: “Oh, this part of it was good, but now we have to go home.”

Clerk: “Yeah, I know. It’s no fun when your vacation is over.”

Woman: “Yeah, we were going to go to Yellowstone, but Old Faithful is closed this week, so we have to come back another time.”

Clerk: *with a strange look on his face* “Closed? Who told you that?”

Woman: “We were talking to some people in the restaurant last night, and they told us it was closed for cleaning.”

Clerk: “No, ma’am. It’s a natural hot spring geyser. It will still keep erupting a hundred years from now… I think someone was pulling your leg!”

(I have to give the clerk lots of credit, though. He waited until they were outside to start laughing.)

(I work in retail and get this often enough that I am tired of hearing it. One afternoon a coworker and I are folding clothes on a table that guests have messed up while shopping.)

Guest: “Miss, do you work here?”

Me: *looks down at my obvious work uniform* “No, sir, my friend and I here just like folding clothes at various retail stores for kicks.”

Guest: “Oh, okay.” *walks off*

(Between my laughter and my coworker’s, I went to the man and apologized, explaining I did work here, and helped him. He laughed, too, so all was good, but he was the first guest that had taken me seriously.)

(I work at a national, well-known bank in a small town. For cashier’s checks, we normally charge $10 unless a customer is in a special type account. Normally, if I see that they can get the checks for free, I try to convert their accounts first and then make their check.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Bank]. What may I help you with today?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’d like to pull out $1,000 in cash and make a cashier’s check for $4,000.”

Me: “Great! I’d be happy to assist. Who are we making the check out to?”

Customer: “To myself; I’m moving money around.”

(I look up the customer with his ID, and begin to tell him about how with his account, the check would cost $10.)

Me: “Mr. [Customer], the check would cost $10. However, because you have such outstanding balances with us, I can see about converting your account name so you won’t have to pay for them. How does that sound?”

Customer: *obviously annoyed* “That’s ridiculous! I have been banking with you for longer than you’ve been alive! I shouldn’t have to pay for making a d*** check! With my own money!”

Me: “Sir, that’s why I suggested we change your account name. No numbers or routing numbers change, just the account title. I want you to get your checks for free.”

(The customer is still ranting about how the bank is just out to get people’s money and that we have no appreciation for local business.)

Customer: “I’m just going to move all my accounts to [Other Local Bank], since you people don’t value my time or my money!”

Me: “Okay! Have a great afternoon!”

(I’m a manager for one of the corporate retail stores for a large cell phone provider. I am the only manager on duty during a fairly busy shift. One of my employees answers the phone, and the gentleman on the other end asks to speak with a manager. She informs him that I’m currently assisting another guest, and offers to take his name and number to have me call him back. He says he’ll hold. He is on hold for two minutes before he hangs up and calls back. He is then on hold for less than a minute. This is the conversation that follows.)

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name]. Thank you for holding. How may I help you?”

Guest: “F****** finally! I’ve been on hold waiting for you for twenty minutes!”

Me: “I do apologize for that, sir; we have been a bit busy tonight. How can I help you?”

Guest: “I’m just calling to warn you I’m coming in tomorrow with copies of my bank statements that show I was charged twice for my bill: once on the 28th and again on the 2nd!”

Me: “Okay, I can understand the frustration with that. Did you make the payment in store?”

Guest: “No, it is set up on automatic payments. So, when I bring this paperwork in tomorrow, you will be giving me a refund, same day, right?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but unfortunately I am unable to process a refund in-store for a payment made via auto-pay. I can, however, file a ticket to have your money refunded with the paperwork provided, and it normally takes two to three business days to have the money back in your account.”

Guest: “I was told I had to bring my paperwork into the store in order to have this processed! Why the h*** can you not f****** give me my money back in-store, b****?!”

Me: “Sir, I’m going to ask you not to speak to me like that. Unfortunately, there is no way for me to override the system to process that type of refund, since the transaction was not done in my store. I will be happy—”

Guest: “F*** YOU! I’m bringing in my lawyer tomorrow! I don’t understand why you can’t just give me my money back from your register.”

Me: “Sir, I understand that you are upset, and I’m willing to get it resolved for you, but I have to account for all my cash in my store, and like I stated before, I have no way of overriding an auto-pay payment. If you want to come in, I’d be happy to file the refund for you; however, if you choose to hire a lawyer, I will be unable to assist you in-store.”

(This is company policy.)

Guest: “You’re lying to get out of giving me my money back, b****! I can’t believe this. I bet you took the money and deposited it into your account! You are robbing me and don’t even care!”

Me: “Uh… Sir, if you don’t want come in and have us file for a refund with your paperwork showing the error, you can always call your bank and have them dispute the charge.”

(The guest started yelling wonderfully colorful words and calling me some imaginative names before hanging up on me. I stared at the phone for a good minute before I even hung it up.)

(We have signs on our registers saying, “NO CHECKS.” The customer’s total comes to under $10. He has three cards come back declined, including a check card.)

Customer: “Can I write you a check?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we do not accept checks here; credit or cash only.”

Customer: “Who doesn’t take checks anymore? It’s not even $10.”

Me: *points to sign* “It is our store policy; we do not accept checks.”

Customer: “You can’t make an exception? I shop here all the time!”

Me: *I’ve never seen him before* “Sir, even if I was allowed to make an exception, would you really give us a check knowing that your check card has been declined?”

Customer: *long pause, then walks out*