How To Small Talk Even Smaller

| NM, USA | Related | July 30, 2015

(I hear an ad on the radio concerning Mother’s Day.)

Me: “Oh, d***, when is Mother’s Day?”

Coworker: “I have no idea.”

Me: “Last Sunday in May, isn’t it? I have a present for my mom; I just need to remember to ship it.”

Coworker: *matter-of-factly* “Mine’s passed away, so I don’t have to worry about that.”

Me: “Oh…”

(I didn’t have a clue how to respond to that!)

A Relatively Easy Mistake To Make

| UT, USA | Friendly | July 13, 2015

(My roommate and I are two curly redheads. For some reason, everyone thinks we’re twins, sisters or the same person. I’m three inches taller, three sizes smaller and three years older. Since she’s my best friend, she’s invited to things like my mother’s retirement party.)

Mom’s Friend: “You must be [Mom’s] daughter, [My Name]!”

Me: “Yes, I’m her second-oldest. And this is [Roommate]…”

Mom’s Friend: “This is your daughter!”

Me: “Um, she’s three years younger than me. This is my roommate.”

(We have a good laugh about it. Three years later, a friend of mine at work is looking at the pictures on my desk. One is a picture of roommate and I in front of the Parthenon, since she and I went to Europe in 2013.)

Coworker: “Is this in Athens?”

Me: “Yeah. That was the trip from Rome to Istanbul, and back and–”

Coworker: “It’s so cool that you went with your mom.”

(Revenge at last!)

He’s Got Nowhere Else To Go

| OK, USA | Romantic | December 25, 2014

(My wife calls me on a Friday to give a quick update on a few things.)

Wife: “Is there any way you can come home early?”

Me: “Depends on how early. It’s Friday before Christmas and there’s a lot going on.”

Wife: “Well, the ice storm is expected to start around 2 pm. I’d feel better if you come home early.”

Me: “The last I heard this morning it wasn’t supposed to start until tonight.”

Wife: “I just watched the weather and they have changed the forecast.”

(My office is a mix of hourly and salary folks. Management likes those of us on salary not to leave early when hourly folk can’t go. They especially don’t like us to leave before 3:30 pm, which is when the hourly folks who come in early can go.)

Me: “Well, you know how it is here. I’ve got an iron chain around my ankle.”

Wife: “So?”

Me: *exaggerating further* “And they have guards. And dogs. And guard towers with machine guns. You know how it is.”

Wife: “What about I come up, walk in there, and carry you out?”

Me: “Oh, like at the end of An Officer And A Gentlemen? I’m wearing a hat like she was wearing. That would be sweet. I could toss it up in the air and have my coworkers cheer me on as we leave together.”

Wife: “You do realize that you’re switching the gender roles on this? Right?”

Me: “You know I don’t care when it comes to romance with you. I look at it as a ‘win-win’ when I’m with you.”

Wife: “I’m not carrying you.”

Think Before You Cause An Ink Stink

| Gothenburg, Sweden | Friendly | November 20, 2014

(I had just finished a grueling five-hour tattoo session before I head off to work. My right arm is sore and wrapped in plastic to protect the newly made tattoo. I sit and chat with a coworker for a bit before a second coworker shows up.)

Coworker: “Does this hurt?”

(He proceeds to squeeze my arm. I swing around and slap him with my left hand in the back of his head. I manage a perfect hit as he goes all bug-eyed.)

Coworker: “Ow! What the h***?”

Me: “There’s your answer.”

(He didn’t pester me anymore that day.)

Seriously Not Getting It

| Australia | Romantic | August 29, 2014

(I’d been dating my partner for two months, and one of my coworkers was a little weird about it. I live platonically with my ex.)

Coworker: “So doesn’t your partner have a problem with you living with your ex?”

Me: “Not at all.”

Coworker: “Oh, so he doesn’t know.”

Me: “No, he knows. He just doesn’t care.”

Coworker: “So you’re not that serious, then.”

Me: *getting frustrated* “We’re serious, enough so that he trusts me.”

Coworker: “No. Believe me, when it becomes a REAL relationship he’ll have a problem with it.”

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