Manager: *after resetting a coworker’s scanner only to find that it still doesn’t work* “Well, that was disappointing.”

Me: “That’s what she said!”

(I can feel the blood rushing from my face as I realize what I, a new employee, have said to my manager, a man who prides himself on professionalism and leadership. I can’t help but internally scream as I brace myself for a stern look and talking-to.)

Manager: *pauses, before laughing* “Story of my life!”

(Dodged that bullet!)

Me: *looks over at classmate’s computer* “Your tenses aren’t aligning properly.” *fixes document on her computer*

Classmate: *jokingly* “Ugh, [My Name], you’re such a perfectionist! Everything you do is so perfect! I bet you sort your cereal boxes alphabetically!”

Me: “Oh, come on. If you could see what I do at home, you’d think I’m the most disgusting person alive.”

Classmate: “Oh… Ew.” *ignores me for the rest of the period*

Me: *confused, thinking about what I said as the bell rings and she leaves, and then to nobody* “OH! NOT WHAT I DO, WHAT I’M LIKE! IT’S WHAT I’M LIKE! Agh, I wonder what she was thinking when I said that?!”

(We switched seats in that class and haven’t talked since.)

(I am preparing to sit the theory test for my learner’s permit.)

Employee: “Would you like to sit the test in electronic or paper format?”

Me: “Whatever’s easier.”

Mum: *gives me a weird look*

Employee: “They are both the same test.”

Me: *confused* “Yeah, I know.”

Employee: *pauses* “I’ll set up a computer for you.”

(I didn’t realise what I had said wrong until after I got home. I was meaning to ask for whatever made her job easier!)

(The gas station I work for has two full-service pumps. We often have to tell our patrons this, and that if they want to pump their own gas, they need to move. My coworker gets a customer at one of these pumps, and he obviously doesn’t speak very good English.)

Coworker: “Hi, there. Would you like full service?”

(The customer doesn’t understand and continues to try to pump his own gas.)

Coworker: “Sir, this pump is full-service only, and I need to pump for you, or you need to move.”

(The customer is frustrated at this point.)

Customer: “Here two dollar. You go away.”

(Still unsure if he ever got his gas.)

(I get a random text message from my friend.)

Friend: “How do you spell ‘contrite?’”

Me: “You just spelled it?”

Friend: “Oh, yeah. Thanks!”