(We have been having record-breaking cold temperatures for the past few days. My mom is complaining, and then she drops this gem.)

Mom: “It’s so cold I could key somebody’s car with my nipples without even trying!”

Dad: “YOU DID WHAT WITH YOUR NIPPLES?”

(My brother is on his phone when our sister and I walk into the room.)

Brother: “Wow. I cannot spell today.”

Sister: *without missing a beat* “T-O-D-A-Y!”

(After a moment of silence we all burst out laughing.)

(An elderly woman walks in.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I want to read the Bible from my phone and my grandson told me to get it from the app store. Can you give me directions?”

Me: “Directions to what?”

Customer: “The app store. He didn’t tell me where it is, and I don’t know how to use my GPS.”

(I explained to her what the app store was. She walked away, embarrassed.)

(This takes place at an outdoor heavy metal festival. One of the bands playing is from the partner town of the place where the festival is hosted.)

Singer: *in heavily accented English* “We are [Band], and we come from Poland. We do not speak German, and our English is not good, so our texts are in Polish. I hope you don’t mind that and enjoy our music.”

(The band started to play, and the singer launched into an absolutely unintelligible death metal growl that we wouldn’t have been able to understand in ANY language. My friend and I doubled over laughing.)

([Coworker #1] approaches [Coworker #2] opposite me.)

Coworker #1: “I think there’s been a c**k-up with the dates on these reports. Could you have a look?”

(They go through them, but find the dates are actually correct.)

Coworker #2: *what he means to say* “C**k-up? My a**.”

Coworker #2: *what he actually says* “C**k up my a**.”