(A customer approaches a coworker and me standing together.)

Customer: *while twirling his fingers around* “Do you have one of those things that’s like a shape with holes and feet? It’s kind of like a–” *gestures* “…but not a circle?”

Coworker: “Uh…” *while turning and pointing to me*

Me: “Yep, conduit clamps; aisle three, about a quarter way up on the left.”

(I walk that way with the customer and the coworker following behind.)

Me: “Here they are, in a variety of sizes.”

Customer: “Yes, this is exactly what I was looking for. I asked two other people, and they didn’t know what I was talking about. Thank you so much.”

(As I’m walking back to my department with the coworker again….)

Coworker: “Thanks. I knew if anyone here was fluent in spoken and signed gibberish, it would be you.”

(When my mom was pregnant with me, she kept going back and forth on names. I share my last name with a fairy tale character. I’ve changed the names for privacy, but pretend my last name is White so that the joke translates.)

Mom: “I’ve been going back and forth between Christina and Meredith.”

Coworker: “I think you should name her Snow!”

Mom: “Erm… That’s a nice name, but—”

Coworker: “It’s a wonderful name! Snow is such a pretty and light name! How could you reject a name like Snow? You know, my [relative] had the name Snow.” *keeps rambling*

Mom: “[Coworker]!”

Coworker: “Huh?”

Mom: “Please tell me. What is my last name?”

Coworker: “Huh? It’s… OH, MY GOD. Do not name her Snow! Snow is a terrible name! Never name her that!”

(My family never goes to church, and I wasn’t raised with any particular religious beliefs, so as a teenager I am curious about religion and whether or not I believe in it. When I am 14 I ask a classmate about his life as a Jehovah’s Witness. This part of the conservation takes place in the middle of a science class.)

Classmate: “So, I never asked. What religion are you?”

Me: “Oh, I’m…”

(I try to think of the word that starts with A and means I’m not a Christian.)

Me: “…the antiChrist!”

(Our teacher is walking past and stops with a strange look on his face.)

Teacher: “[My Name], I think you mean, ‘atheist.’”

Me: “Oh, yeah! That’s the one!”

(I’m the employee who screws up here. This museum gets a fair number of international visitors. Whenever we have guests from France and Canada, I do my best to switch to French so I can sell them tickets and give them a brief orientation to the museum, telling them where things are and what exhibits are currently open. It draws a fair amount of admiration from my coworkers, and the guests are very appreciative. Note that full-price tickets to this museum are good for two days, but if people come in at the last hour, tickets are half-price and just good for that afternoon. Here’s a transaction from my VERY LAST DAY. This whole exchange is in French.)

Me: *noticing that the two gentlemen approaching my ticket gate were speaking French* “Hello, can I help you?”

Guest #1: “Yes, thank you. We would like two tickets.”

Me: “All right, it’s the last hour of the day, so if you wish to return tomorrow, you can purchase full-price tickets, at $25, or if you just have about an hour, tickets are $12.50.”

Guest #2: “Ah, yes, we leave tomorrow, so we would like two half-price tickets. By the way, your French is perfect!”

Me: “Oh, thank you, but it’s definitely not perfect. Okay, so, two half-price, that will be—”

(I mean to say $25, but I definitely don’t! [Guest #1] hands me $80.)

Me: “Oh, no, that’s too much!”

Guest #2: “But you said it was $80!”

Me: “Oh, my gosh. I am so sorry! I switched the numbers in my head! I meant to say vingt-cinq (25), and I said quatre-vingt (80)!”

Guest #1: *laughing* “We thought it had to be a pretty amazing museum to be that much!”

(Just after he had told me my French was perfect…)

(I’m the unfortunate worker in this story. I work in pest control, and a law firm has had a rat problem. I lay down some traps discreetly, and go back a week later. There are two doorbells, one saying, “Receptionist,” and one saying, “Office.” I press the one for the receptionist and wait to be greeted, whilst getting my opening line of, “I’m here to do the rat traps,” ready in my head.)

Receptionist: “Hello?”

(At this exact moment my brain freezes and all I can remember is the word receptionist.)

Me: “Hi. I’m here to do the receptionist?” *cue awkward pause* “I MEAN THE RAT TRAPS! Sorry! I’m here to check the rat traps.”

Receptionist: *laughing* “That’s okay. Come in.”

(I quickly did what I had to before making a quick exit, making sure not to sexually harass any more receptionists.)