(I am sorting through my possessions after returning from college, deciding which stays at home and which goes back.)

Me: “Now that I’m moving into a dorm with a nicer kitchen, maybe I should get new cooking supplies.”

Dad: *not really listening* “Sounds about right.”

Me: “Do you think I should get a little frying pan?”

Dad: *still not listening* “Maybe.”

Me: “I’ve already got a little pot.”

Dad: “Don’t advertise that around campus; you could lose your scholarship.”

(Long pause while we both parse the conversation in our brains.)

Dad: “I owe you an apology.”

(I am in the office with my store manager who has had to ask another manager about a discrepancy in the banking. This woman has the annoying habit of adding, “Yeah, Yeah,” or, “No, No,” to just about every sentence she utters.)

Manager #1: “Hey, [Manager #2], we’re having trouble getting this to add up right. Did you do this?”

Manager #2: “Yeah, yeah, no, no, yeah.”

Manager #1: “You did it?”

Manager #2: “Yeah, yeah, no, no, yeah, no.”

Manager #1: “I just need a straight answer: yes or no.”

Manager #2: “Yeah, yeah, no.”

Manager #1: “Oh, for f***’s sake. Is it yes or no?”

Manager #2: “Yeah, no.”

Manager #1: “IS ONE WORD TOO HARD? YES OR NO!”

([Manager #2] finally uttered the word, “No,” on its own, but it looked like she was fighting not to say, “Yeah,” afterwards.)

Customer: “I would like to buy the iPad Mini Air Lite.”

Me: “Um… I’m sorry; I’m confused. What kind of iPad are you looking for?”

Customer: “The iPad Mini.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “Air Lite.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “It’s called an iPad Mini Air Lite.”

Me: “Hmm… I don’t think that’s a thing. There’s an iPad Mini, and there’s an ipad Air. I don’t think there’s an iPad Lite, though.”

Customer: “Oh, dear. I was sure it was called the iPad Mini Air Lite. It was in the flyer!”

(I page a coworker in electronics to call me, since I’m just on cash.)

Me: “Do we have, um… iPad Mini Air Lites?”

Coworker: *laughing on the other end of the line* “No. I’ll come talk to her.”

(She bought an iPad Mini.)

(For one summer, I work at a grocery store. This store has a department where customers from small, isolated communities send us their food requests and we pick the food, bill it on a credit card, box it, and deliver it to an airline to be flown to that community. A coworker approaches me with a customer’s food list request.)

Coworker: “Hey, can you read French?”

Me: “A little bit, why?”

Coworker: “One item on this list is written in French, and the only word I understand is ‘fromage.’”

(The item in question reads, “Le fromage de la vache qui rit.”)

Me: “Hmm… the cheese… of the cow… who laughs? What?”

Coworker: “Oh! Laughing Cow Cheese!“

Me: “There you go! Why on Earth was that in French?”

Coworker: “I have no idea.”

(I am sixteen years old, and I just moved from New York to South Carolina. I still have a heavy New York accent, and I’m a fast talker. I work in a restaurant with coupons for free souvenirs: a cup, a lighter or a koozie.)

Customer: *with heavy southern accent* “This coupon here says I get a free gift. What’s my free gift?”

Me: “A cup, a lighter, or a koozie.”

Customer: “What’s a cupalighter?”

Me: “No, a cup, a lighter, or a koozie.” *trying to speak slower*

Customer: “I know what you said; what’s a cupalighter?”

Me: “Sigh. A cup. OR a lighter. Or a koozie.”

Customer: “Oh! You ain’t from around here are you?”

Me: “No.”