(I’m the stupid customer in this one. In my defense, I’ve woken up in the middle of the night, packed a bag, driven to the airport, parked in long-term parking, taken a shuttle, passed through security, and walked to my gate, all without saying anything to anyone. I’ve been awake for at least four hours today without saying a word, which, if you think about it, doesn’t happen often. I stand in line at a breakfast kiosk, preparing for the first words to come out of my mouth that day: “I’ll have a cinnamon raisin bagel, please.”)

Me: “Cinnamon ragel.”

(I then stared at the employee, expectantly, wondering why he didn’t understand my request of “cinnamon ragel.”)

(My aunt has to run to the shops while I am visiting, so she takes one of my cousins and I stay at home with the other one. We’re watching YouTube on my laptop when I accidentally knock it onto the floor.)

Me: “Oh, s***.”

Cousin: “S***! S***!”

Me: “Don’t say that! That’s a naughty word and we’re not allowed to say it!”

Cousin: “Is it… a swear word?”

Me: “Yes, and that’s why we can’t say it.”

Cousin: “Is it a swear word like ‘f***ing’?”

Me: “Where did you hear that?”

Cousin: “Mum calls people ‘f***ing idiots’ in the car a lot.”

Me: “Yes, they’re both swear words, and that’s why we don’t say them. Promise me you won’t say it.”

Cousin: ”I promise!”

(We go back to watching some kid’s show on YouTube. About half an hour later, my aunt gets home.)

Cousin: *jumps off the couch like her a**e is on fire and runs to greet her* “MUMMY! MUMMY! ‘F***ING’ IS A SWEAR WORD!”

(Thankfully, my aunt didn’t murder me… but I had to cook dinner that night as punishment.)

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(A woman calls asking about a camera; we only have a few left, as we recently downsized our electronics department.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. Do you guys have any cameras left?”

Me: “Sure do. Which one were you looking for?”

Customer: “I saw the [Brand #1] on your website for [price]. Do you have that one?”

Me: “Some of our cameras are online-only, but I can check for you. Also, the online prices are a little lower than the in-store prices.”

Customer: “Oh. Then can you check the price of that one, and see if there are any cheaper ones?”

Me: “Sure. Let me put you on hold and I can check for you.”

(I put the woman on hold and walk to the locked cages on the other end of the store where they have moved the remaining cameras. The one she wants is no longer available, so I grab the remaining styles we have left and price-check them.)

Me: “Hi, ma’am. Unfortunately, the one you wanted is no longer available, but I did find one from the same company with similar features, if you want that.”

Customer: “And how much is that one?”

Me: *slightly lower price*

Customer: “That comes with a board, right?”

Me: “A board?”

Customer: “Yes, a board.”

Me: “What… What exactly do you mean by ‘board,’ ma’am? I am unfamiliar with that term when it comes to cameras.”

Customer: “A BOARD! You know, that little square you put in it to save pictures!”

Me: “Oh! You mean a memory card?”

Customer: “Yes, a memory board!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but memory cards are sold separately.”

Customer: “Okay. Thank you. I’ll be there in about twenty to thirty minutes to buy the camera.” *hangs up*

(I work at a site that is a major tourist destination, so we get a LOT of people for whom English is not their first language. I am watching a few people pass by, giving them pleasant smiles.)

Customer: “You look boring.”

(At this, I’m pretty sure I look a bit dumbfounded as I try to figure out what exactly happened and how to politely respond.)

Customer: “I’m sorry… Is that… not good? My English is bad.”

Me: *smiling* “Sir, ‘boring’ implies that I am dull or uninteresting, while ‘bored’ is the general term that means I find things to be dull or uninteresting. So, I would be ‘bored.’ Things are a bit slow today, but everything is fine!”

Customer: “Ah… heh. Well, I hope things improve!”

(One of my coworkers was hugely amused and kept retelling the story all day until other coworkers of mine started asking me if I was boring instead of asking me how I was. At least the customer meant well!)

(I am at a Thai restaurant one night with a guy I am seeing, and we are about to order food. I am still recovering from an ankle reconstruction; I’m therefore still on some painkillers which make me a little dim.)

Thai Waitress: “May I take your order?”

Me: *what I mean to say* “Can I pretty please have the Pad Thai?” *what I actually say* “Can I prease have the Pad Thai?”

(A moment of silence passed as the waitress thought about what I said. I was mortified and my date looked at me funny, and then the waitress lost it. Thankfully, she found it funny, especially when I explained the medication I was on. I made sure to give her a tip to apologise!)