(I work in video game publishing as a producer. One day we get pitched a game that we decide after a lot of discussion just isn’t a fit for us — for a lot of reasons, ranging from tone to cost vs. scope — but might work for another publishing company we’re friendly with. Up to this point, I have spoken with the lead programmer once before on the phone to ask questions, and he was friendly and polite. I call him back to tell him our decision, as well as to ask if he’d like us to send his information along to someone who might be a better fit.)

Me: “So, while we appreciate you reaching out to us about [Game], and we see enormous potential with it, we don’t feel we’re a fit for it. However, we do have a good relationship with another publisher who we think is more in line with your vision. If you like, we can send—”

Programmer: “You know what? F*** you, you dumb b****! What the f*** do you even know about games, anyway? Did you f*** your way into that job? Because you don’t sound like you’re qualified for more decision-making than which d**k to suck today! Dumb f****** b****!”

Me: *baffled silence* “Uh…”

Programmer: *sharp intake of breath* “Oh! I… I thought you had hung up already! B-but, uh, what were you saying about, um, another publisher?”

Me: “I was literally in the middle of talking. But I am hanging up now.”

(I was mostly just surprised at the complete flip in personality, and considered that we had dodged a bullet working with this guy. He tried emailing me, saying he had just been kidding, and asking me to connect him with the other publisher. Then, when I ignored him, he tried emailing my coworkers and telling THEM to tell me he had just been “goofing.” Trust me, the complete fury and sheer volume of his voice meant he hadn’t been joking. The game never did get off the ground. from what I saw. Even if you’re upset about getting your project rejected, being unable to handle that and instead blowing up in a completely unprofessional manner just shows you don’t have the temperament or interpersonal skills to handle working with other people. I’m just glad he showed his true colors before I connected him with another company; those professional relationships are important no matter what industry you’re in, and, “Hey, why did you recommend us this guy who was, in reality, an actual lunatic?” isn’t a great look.)

(Recently I discovered I have a mass next to my right knee; this, mixed with constant pain on my back, makes me go to a doctor. She recommends I get x-rays for both knees and back, and gives me a paper with all the indications for the professional in charge. Problem is, I can’t understand the handwriting, but she assures me they will.)

Receptionist: *on the phone* “Welcome to [Clinic]. How can I help you?”

Me: “I need two x-rays for my back and knees, as well as an ultrasound of my right knee.”

Receptionist: “What kind?”

Me: *tries to read indications* “Sorry, I can’t read my doc’s note.”

Receptionist: “Send it to us through [number].”

(I do, and wait ten minutes for the receptionist to return to the phone.)

Receptionist: “According to this, you need one x-ray of your knee, one of your feet, and one ultrasound. Be here at 10:20 am.”

Me: *not really paying attention* “Okay, great. I’ll be there.”

(I go in and pay first. Just then, I notice the x-ray for my back is missing. The receptionist asks for my instructions and shows me it doesn’t mention my back, only knees and feet. At first I let it go… but eventually it bothers me, so I call the doctor.)

Me: “Doc, I’m sorry to bother. Why didn’t you send me to get an x-ray of my back? The instructions only say knees and feet.”

Doctor: “Mmm, send over the instructions through a message, please.”

(I do.)

Doctor: “[My Name], it doesn’t say, ‘of feet,’ it says, ‘Take x-ray of back while on her feet.’”

(Penmanship is important, kids!)

(My wife and I are out for a meal, as it’s my birthday. We have got the bill and are just paying.)

Wife: *holding bank card* “Where would you like it?”

Waitress: “Up the bum, as standard.”

(My wife and I look at each other before bursting into fits of laughter as the waitress realises what she has said.)

Waitress: “Into the bottom of the machine! That came out wrong; I’m so sorry.”

Wife: “That’s okay; we’re always twisting comments like that.”

(As we left I gave a generous tip, and thanked the still embarrassed waitress for the laugh.)

Customer: “Can you show me where I can find a ‘thirk-tionary’?

Me: “I’m sorry, a what?”

Customer: “A ‘thirk-tionary.’”

Me: “Do you mean a dictionary?”

Customer: “No, but they’re kind of like a dictionary.”

Me: “Um, okay, let’s go take a look at that section.”

(I take her over to where we keep the dictionaries. She grabs a thesaurus off the shelf.)

Customer: “Ah, here it is!”

Me: “Oh! You meant a thesaurus!”

Customer: “Yeah, a ‘thirk-tionary.’”

Me: “Um… Okay. Well, let me know if you have any more questions.”

Customer: “I will, thanks!”

(I work in a 24/7 call center, so often the representatives are pretty tired. I can only imagine this is why I overheard this the other day:)

Coworker: “Yes, building C. Like C for dog.”