He’s Got This Scene Nailed

, , , , , | Working | June 5, 2017

(I am stage managing a rehearsal, and the lead actor has come in with some form of food poisoning. Because we’re close to opening, he has decided to tough it out instead of going home, but he has been spending most of the time he’s not onstage in the bathroom. At this point in time, I’m rounding up the actors to run the final scene, in which this actor’s character dies.)

Me: “Hey, [Actor], are you going to be able to run this scene?”

Actor: “Which scene are we doing now?”

Me: *not thinking, on autopilot* “You’re dying.”

Actor: *looks up at me, completely deadpan* “I’m well aware of that fact. But which scene are we running?”

Unfiltered Story #88991

, , | Unfiltered | June 2, 2017

*Phone rings*

Customer: ‘Hi I was just in there & had a couple questions for you…’ [Proceeds to start asking me questions about a product we don’t carry]

Me: ‘Sir, I think you might have the wrong store, we don’t have that here.’

Him: ‘No! I was just in there!’

Me: ‘Sir, I apologize for the confusion, but are you sure you weren’t at another store? Because that’s not one of our products.’

Him: ‘No, I was JUST there. You’re right across from Burger King!’

Me: ‘…….Sir, we’re across the street from Noodles.’

*he hangs up*

*I stare at the phone and shake my head*

Ah… Knulla

, , , | Learning | June 1, 2017

(We’re talking in small groups about a short story we had to read for this class. Student #3 is from Sweden.)

Student #1: “[Character] is poor as f***!”

Student #2: *to [Student #3]* “I bet they don’t say that in Sweden!”

Student #3: “No… they speak Swedish. We’d say it in Swedish.”

Shame They Can’t Steal Some Intelligence

, , , , , | Learning | May 29, 2017

Being a naive freshman, while standing in front of my locker, I remove my purse in order to put my coat on, after which I plan to put it back on over the coat. First Big Mistake. I look away for a moment. Second Big Mistake. My purse is now gone.

Approximately three days later, I enter my English classroom. The teacher is standing there holding a very familiar object. My purse. Apparently, the thief decided to bring it to class, stuck it under her chair, and forgot about it.

After the class, the teacher recognized it as mine. Apparently, no one else he taught had one made of black denim with a GameBoy Advance inside. Oddly, despite having had the time to remove and/or sell the contents, nothing inside had even been touched.

Yes, there were thieves at my high school, but they happened to be idiots.

Conscience: We Loves It

, , , , | | Right | April 23, 2008

(Background story: This is around Halloween, and Halloween parties in Madison is THE biggest event of the year. My store has many Halloween costumes and other Halloween-related products during that time. I am at my cash register for check-out when a customer comes up to me.)

Customer: “Hi. Uhh… I’d like to buy these.”

(The customer puts down a wig, make-ups, a pantyhose, condoms, and lubes on my register.)

Me: “Ok.” *starts scanning*

Customer: “…”

Me: *still scanning*

Customer: “DON’T JUDGE ME!” *runs out*

Me: “?!”

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