(I am explaining our different room types to someone who has never stayed with us. The hotel I work for is very small and has a different name for many suites.)

Me: “And lastly, we have our Supreme and Premiere suites, which are our largest units.”

Customer: “What’s the difference?”

Me: “They are exactly the same, except the Supreme is on the left side of the hall and the Premiere is on the right side.”

Customer: “What’s the price difference?”

Me: “They cost the same.”

Customer: “Which one is better?”

Me: “They are exactly the same.”

Customer: “But which one is better?”

Me: “They are the same. Just opposite sides of the hall.”

Customer: “Just tell me which one is better, dear.”

Me: “The Supreme?”

Customer: “Thank you! You’ve been such a sweetheart!”

Woman: “Can you tell me the price of these pants? I found them on the 25% off rack.”

Me: “Sure thing. They’re $22.50.”

Woman: “But that’s not 25% off.”

Me: “They probably got put on the wrong rack, but they were actually $45.00, so you’re actually getting 50% off.”

Woman: “But the sign said 25% off.”

Me: “I understand, but like I said, they were on the wrong rack and are actually more than 25% off.”

Woman: “I want them for the price that the sign advertised! Can I just talk to a manager? You sales people are so stupid sometimes. It’s not a hard concept.”

Me: “Oh, believe me, I know it’s not a hard concept. Let me call a manager for you.”

(I call a manager and she comes over. I explain to her what is going on.)

Manager: “If you get these pants as the price they are ringing up at, they are $22.50. If you get them at 25% off, they are $33.75.”

Woman: “That’s what I want! Why is math such a hard concept for the workers here to grasp? Just change the price and give them to me for $33.75 or whatever.”

(I changed the price so they were more expensive. The customer walks away, still mumbling something about how we suck at math.)

(I work at a fast food restaurant in a food court in a mall. Our kid meals come in “to go” bags, regardless if the order is to go, or not. A mother comes up to my register and orders two kids’ meal bags to go.)

Me: “Here is your order. Do you want any sauces or ketchup?”

Customer: “I said I wanted this to go.”

(I look down at her order a bit confused.)

Me: “I’m sorry. Did you want a cup carrier for the drinks?”

Customer: “No, stupid! I want to have a to-go bag for my food.”

Me: “But your food is in bags.”

Customer: “Just give me a d*** bag.”

(I give the mother two of our biggest bags which are the same size as the kids’ meal bags.)

Customer: “I only need one!”

(The customer shoves the two kids’ meals into the one bag and crams the drinks in as well. To top it off, she rolls the tops of the bag down, further crushing the drinks. Then, she shoves the entire mess into her large purse.)

Customer: “See! Look how much of an idiot you are!”

(She walks away in a huff, with her purse dripping soda behind her.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Store]. This is [My Name].”

Caller #1: “How much is it to rent a movie?”

Me: “It all depends. Which one were you thinking of?”

Caller #1: “Insidious.”

Me: “That’d be $3.96. That’s with tax.”

Caller #1: “Okay, thanks.” *hangs up*

(About thirty seconds pass before the phone rings again.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Store]. This is [My Name].”

Caller #2: “How much is it to rent Insidious?”

Me: “That’s gonna be $3.96, with tax.”

Caller #2: “Okay, how much is that?”

Me: “That’s the price. $3.96.”

(There’s about ten seconds of silence before I ask if anyone’s there. I hang up after no response. Thirty seconds later, the phone rings again.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Store]. This is [My Name].”

Caller #3: “Hey, how much is it to rent Insidious with tax?”

Me: “$3.96.”

Caller #3: “Okay, thanks. We’ll be right in!”

Me: *confused*

(Due to difficulties returning from a petting zoo, my mother and I had a three-month-old calf riding in the front seat of our truck. We were hungry so we went thru a drive-thru on our way home. After we ordered we drove up to the first window.)

Cashier #1: “Your total is [total]. Is that a real cow?”

Mom: “Why, yes, she is.”

(The cashier gives my mom the change and points the animal out to her coworkers around her. We drive up to the second window.)

Cashier #2: “Here’s your order. Is that cow real?”

Cow: “Mooooo!”

Mom: “As you can see, she is real and really hungry, so thank you for the hamburgers. She will really enjoy them.”