(I work at a resort facility that attracts all kinds of customers from business people during the week to weddings on the weekends, but especially appeals to families with our waterpark and arcade fun-center. We have a cancellation policy of 24 hours prior to the guest’s check-in time at 4:00 pm. I overhear the following story between my coworker at the front desk and a lady on business travel. A guest walks in the door with a tight frown and balled fists.)

Coworker: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Guest: “I didn’t know that this was a family hotel! The website didn’t say anything about this being a family-friendly hotel! I want to cancel my reservation!”

(Doesn’t “resort” sort of imply that there is more to the building than JUST our hotel?)

Coworker: “Well, unfortunately, it is already past the cancellation window. So, you will still be charged for the night.”

Guest: *sourly* “What?! I can’t believe this! I’m here for business, and I don’t want to be bothered by kids running wild in your stupid hotel. I’m sure the rooms are just going to be crappy, too!”

(This is a Tuesday, and there is almost no one in our hotel today.)

Coworker: “I do apologize, ma’am, but that is our policy. It is actually fairly quiet today, as we are only at 22% occupancy. I will place you on our top floor so that you will have the most quiet, with no one above you. Also, since you are here for business, I would be glad to remove the $7.95 resort fee for you since you won’t be using the waterpark.”

(At this point the guest is quiet and they complete the check-in process. Five minutes later there is a call from our in-house phone from her room.)

Coworker: “Hello, this is [Coworker] at front desk.”

Guest: “I want to speak to a manager!”

Coworker: “All right, I will need to put you on hold while I radio him to come to the phone.”

(My manager comes to take the call and is silent for a long time while he listens to her complaints about the room being dusty, having a streak on the mirror, among other nitpicky things she tried to find as soon as she walked in the door. Apparently, she is pretty nasty about it, since I can hear her from my computer.)

Manager: “I’m very sorry about that. Let me see what I can do here for you, and I’ll give you a call back.”

(He upgrades her to our whirlpool suite at an even more reduced rate. Then he has our housekeeping inspector go make sure the room is perfect. Just as he is about to call the guest back, she arrives at the front desk.)

Manager: “Oh, I was just trying to call you. We have a whirlpool suite ready for you, if you would like.”

Guest: “NO! I am not staying here! The room was a mess! This is horrible service. And this was the last straw: I found a cockroach in the bathtub! I have pictures if you want to see.”

(Of course, he does want to; we don’t have bug problems, as it is March and still too cold for bugs. We certainly wouldn’t have roaches. Her photos don’t show much really and she conveniently does not have a photo of the bug.)

Guest: “I want to check out now and receive a receipt with my zeroed-out balance.”

Manager: “All right. I did reduce your rate for you, so it will only charge you $65.00. Here is your receipt.”

Guest: “WHAT?! You are still going to charge me?! You are a horrible manager, and I’ll get you fired for this! I’m going to call my attorney and take you to court! I’ll spread reviews all over the Internet!”

Manager: “You are free to do that.”

Guest: “Augh!” *storms out the door*

Manager: *under his breath* “You bet I’m still going to charge you!”

(It was just announced that our store is closing. Since we are in liquidation, there are signs posted on the doors and at the registers that we do not take checks, nor any coupons. I am ringing out a customer who hands me a coupon.)

Me: “I’m sorry. We no longer accept coupons at this location due to our liquidation.” *seeing that she is starting to write out a check* “And we no longer take checks, either.”

Customer: “What! Since when?! I always write checks here.”

Me: *pointing at the sign at the register right where she’s standing* “Right here. It’s also on the door as you come in.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! I always write checks here! I don’t have another way to pay. I am never coming back here again!”

Me: “Okay.”

(We sell items for fishing and hunting, since most of the people in the village do outdoor activities. A customer walks in.)

Me: “Hi, what can I get you today?”

Customer: “Do you guys have any nightcrawlers?”

(Nightcrawlers are basically large worms, and are used for fishing.)

Me: “Yes, we do. Do you want jumbo or baby crawlers?”

Customer: “I want crawlers smaller than baby crawlers.”

Me: “Sir, that would just be regular worms.”

Customer: “No! I want crawlers, not regular worms.”

Me: “All right…”

(I walk to the back of the store, open the bait fridge, and pull out a box of worms. I take a baby nightcrawler sticker and replace the earthworms sticker with it. I take a marker, cross out “baby” on the sticker, and write “miniature” instead. I walk back and hand them to the customer. He opens the box to inspect them.)

Customer: “What are these?”

Me: “Miniature crawlers, like you wanted.”

(He nods and hands me the money, then walks out. A coworker saw the entire thing.)

Coworker: “Regular worms?”

Me: “Yep.”

(Wherever I go, if I hear someone with an accent, I like to ask where they are from because I like placing accents. I am at work and am helping an exchange student from Ireland with my boss nearby.)

Me: “Pardon me, but where are you from?”

Customer: “Ireland.”

Me: “What city?”

Boss: “Hey, knock that off! You can’t ask foreign people questions like that. It’s racist!”

Me: “Actually, I am just trying to figure out his accent. He sounds like a friend of mine from college who is from Killarney.”

Customer: “Actually, I’m from County Kerry. Killarney’s county. You have a mighty ear.”

(My boss then started helping another customer without even acknowledging his outburst. I continued helping the first customer as we chatted about Ireland.)

(My entire family has managed to come down with something all at the same time. With Mom, it manifests as a mild head cold, but my Dad and I are both dizzy on top of that. Several years ago, I had 18 months of near-constant vertigo, and got used to working around it. This dizziness is a lot milder, so it slows me down but isn’t severe enough to stop me from doing little things, like getting a drink or taking care of my pets. This happens while I’m making my wobbly way to the sofa. Dad is sitting in the room, watching me.)

Me: “We’re quite a pair today, aren’t we?”

Dad: “What’s that they say? ‘The family that sways together, stays together.’?”