([Nephew #1] is the recent big brother to two adorable twins. [Nephew #2] is his cousin. Both are four years old.)

Nephew #1: “[Baby #1] and [Baby #2] are so cute I could just eat them up.”

Nephew #2: “Yeah, I could eat them up! Except that we can’t because they are full of blood.”

Nephew #1: “No! It’s because they are full of bones and we would choke!”

(They fit in so well with our family.)

(I work in a call center for Internet, cable, and phone services. I get so many calls a day and there are some that just make me shake my head.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]; how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Ah… yeah… I need an extension on my bill so my services don’t get interrupted.”

(I look into his account and determine that since he is past due, the longest I can extend the past due balance is the 15th, as going into the 16th, he would be interrupted.)

Me: “I can extend the past due balance through to November 15th. Does this work for you?”

Customer: “Umm… so, what you’re saying is I could get another extension if I called in a few days.”

Me: “Sir, that’s not how this works.”

Customer: “Well, when do I have to make this payment?”

Me: “On the 15th, sir. Anything else I can help you out with?”

Customer: “Yes… you’re supposed to help me, you selfish c***!”

(The customer ended the call.)

(I overhear this at a common superstore near Christmas:)

Sister #1: “Okay, let’s rethink this. What does Mom like?”

Sister #2: “Her kids?”

Sister #1: “I really, really hope you are correct, but that’s not exactly helpful right now!”

(As a fifteen-year-old, I love anime and frequently watch it with friends. This being the nineties, that means videotapes, usually from a mail-order or That One Weird Video Store. One night, when it is my turn to host, my family is watching a game on the main TV, so I snag the VCR and connect it to the TV in my room. Instead of three or four friends, only one — male — friend arrives. Fifteen minutes into the movie, my mom pops in:)

Mom: “Hey, kids, do you want some soda?”

Me: “No, thanks, we got some already.”

(Ten minutes later, she’s back:)

Mom: “We opened another bag of chips; do you want some?”

Friend: “Sure, thanks.”

(Fifteen minutes later:)

Mom: “We’re getting pizzas. Do you or [Friend] want anything in particular?”

Me: “Not if you’re getting the usual order.”

(Twenty minutes:)

Mom: “Here’s your pizza.”

Me: “We could have come down and gotten it ourselves, but thanks.”

(Once she’d left the last time, my friend burst out laughing so hard he was crying. I had no idea why my mom was being so solicitous until he explained that she thought we were, ahem, “watching anime,” wink-wink. The thought of taking advantage of my family’s distraction had never once crossed my mind — I mean, it was Akira. To this day, I’m not sure if Mom was hoping to catch us doing something or not. As evidenced by the above, I was a romantically oblivious teenager.)

(One of my coworkers asks me to give him a ride, since his car got totaled while parked and he is waiting on the insurance payment to get another. I agree, drive over in the morning, and pick him up. Literally the moment he gets in the car, before he’s even put on the seatbelt, he pulls out a cigarette, sticks it in his mouth, and pulls out a lighter.)

Coworker: “You don’t mind if I smoke.”

(He doesn’t phrase it as a question, but as a flat statement.)

Me: “Yes, actually, I do. Please put that away.”

(He gives me a look like I just told him to pull down his pants or something. We end up in a stare-off for several seconds, with the cigarette still in his mouth.)

Me: “We are going nowhere until that cigarette is put away.”

(At that, he finally puts it away, swearing under his breath just loud enough for me to hear. I’m pissed at this point, but we are already running late, and I don’t want to deal with the fight of trying to get him to get out of the car, so I start driving. At one point, he starts reaching into his pocket again.)

Me: “If you pull that out, I will pull over and kick you out on the curb.”

(He stops, swearing more under his breath, and we finally get to the office. Rather than going to park, I pull up in front of the building and then point over towards the street where the bus stop is.)

Me: “There’s the bus. It’s only around a buck fifty or so for a one-way ticket.”

Coworker: “Huh?”

Me: “For when you need to get home tonight. Because I sure as h*** ain’t giving you a ride.”

(He scowled, climbed out, and slammed the door as hard as he could. I went to park, checked to make sure there wasn’t any damage, then went inside and headed straight to my boss to let her know what had happened. That turned out to be a good thing, as he did try to make up stories about me threatening him. Unfortunately for him, mild-mannered me threatening someone a head taller than I was way less believable than a grouchy smokestack like him not being able to go ten minutes without lighting up a cigarette.)