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It’s Much Quieter Without Your Shushing

, , , , , , , | Friendly | October 22, 2020

My friends and I have gone to see a movie. There are six of us, all sitting in a row, chatting amiably back and forth as we wait for the previews to start. We hear a noise from the man sitting behind us.

Man: “SHHHH!”

We look at each other in disbelief. The screen is blank, the lights are still up, EVERYONE in the theatre is chatting, and we aren’t even being loud. Just then, the lights go down and the previews start, so we stop talking. There’s just one problem: there’s no sound with the previews. It’s like we’re watching a silent movie.

Friend #1: “Aw, man, what’s all this?”


He starts kicking our seats.

Friend #2: *Quietly* “What the h*** is his deal?”

Friend #3: “Forget him. I’m going to go tell an usher that we’ve got speaker problems.”

He grins evilly as he says that, and I know he’s up to something. [Friend #3] is a bit of a prankster. Sure enough, when he comes back, [Friend #3] talks to us loud enough so that the guy behind us can hear him.

Friend #3: “The usher said there’s nothing they can do. The entire movie is going to be silent.”

Man: “WHAT?!”

And he stomped out of the theatre. The movie started a few minutes later and the sound worked just fine. The “SHHHH” guy never came back.

Cauliberries! Berriflower?

, , , , , | Related | October 15, 2020

My mother-in-law is a bit of an odd duck.

Mother-In-Law: “[My Name], would you like some fresh raspberries? We grew them in our garden.”

Me: “Ooh, yes, please! I love raspberries.”

Mother-In-Law: “Here you go.”

She passes me a Tupperware container. I open it and see cauliflower.

Me: “Um, [Mother-In-Law], this is the wrong one.”

Mother-In-Law: “No, it’s the right one. The raspberries are on the bottom. Just dig for them.”

Me: “…”

In case you’re wondering, cauliflower and raspberries do NOT mix. The berries had a weird taste.

That Driver Was On A Slippery Slope

, , , , | Friendly | October 2, 2020

My daughter is driving to university one day after a heavy snowfall. There are patches of ice everywhere, and because of this, she is driving more slowly than usual. She gets to a red light with another vehicle stopped in front of her. She carefully applies the brakes and comes to a complete halt with no problems, leaving the recommended distance between her and the car in front.

That’s when she glances into her rearview mirror and realizes with alarm that the car behind her is moving MUCH too fast for conditions.

Daughter: “Oh, no! I don’t think he’s going to be able to stop in time.”

Sure enough, two seconds later, BAM! The car hits her so hard that she hits the car in front of her. That driver gets out, red-faced with anger.


Daughter: “I’m very sorry, but this wasn’t my fault. The driver behind me—”


Daughter: “I did slow down! In fact, I was already stopped when the guy behind me hit me!”

By this point, the driver behind her has gotten out, as well.

Driver #2: “I’m so sorry! I didn’t realize how slippery it was. This was all my fault.”

Driver #1: “No, it wasn’t. It was her fault.”

The driver points to some textbooks in my daughter’s car.

Driver #1: “See? College type. Guess they teach you everything in university except how to drive properly, huh?”

Daughter: *Holding her temper* “Can we exchange information now, please?”

I don’t remember who was considered responsible for what in the end — I really hope my daughter wasn’t, because she did everything right — but who knows.

You’re Not Being The Neighbor Mister Rogers Wants You To Be

, , , , , | Right | September 21, 2020

When I am twenty-one or so, I am still living with my parents. Then, I find an apartment. My boyfriend and his friends agree to move some of my stuff from my parents’ house over to my new place, including my computer and a small TV. They do so during the day while my parents are at work. My parents are fully aware of this; in fact, they loan my boyfriend a house key.

When my folks get home, their neighbour comes over, extremely excited.

Neighbour: “You were robbed today!”

Mum: “What?!”

Neighbour: “I saw the whole thing! Several young men broke into your place and took a bunch of valuables, including a computer and a TV! I saw them carry everything out to their cars and drive away.”

Mum: *Catching on* “Oh, my. That’s bad. Did you call the police?”

Neighbour: “Um, no.”

Mum: “Did you get their license plates?”

Neighbour: “No.”

Mum: “How about their cars? Did you notice what kind they drive?”

Neighbour: “No.”

Mum: “Do you think you could describe the men?”

Neighbour: “They were young… That’s all I remember.”

Mum: *Laughing* “I’m sorry, I can’t keep doing this. It’s okay. Those guys were [My Name]’s boyfriend and friends, and they’re just helping her move some of her things to her new apartment.”

Neighbour: “You were just messing with me? That’s not nice!”

Mum:You’re the one who watched our house apparently being robbed and didn’t do anything about it!”

Thumbs Up, Sister!

, , , , , , , | Related | September 18, 2020

When my husband and I have our first daughter, she occasionally likes to suck on a soother.  

Mother-In-Law: “I don’t like those things.”

Me: “I’m not a huge fan myself, but they comfort [Daughter].”

Mother-In-Law: “None of my kids ever had those.”

That’s when one of her daughters pipes up.

Sister-In-Law: “That’s absolutely true, [My Name].”

My mother-in-law looks smug.

Sister-In-Law: “Of course, I did suck my thumb until I was seven.”

My mother-in-law scowled and changed the subject.

This story is part of our Best Of September 2020 roundup!

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