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It’s All Your Fault Their Business Is Six Feet Under

, , , , | Working | December 15, 2020

This story happens when DVD rental stores are still a thing. The store in question is a Mom-and-Pop rival to the big chains. I like it because their owners are nerds, like my husband and me, and they have a lot of TV series available that the chains don’t have.

I borrow part of season two of “Six Feet Under,” and then my problems start. Several weeks later:

Owner: “Hey, just so you know, you haven’t returned that Six Feet Under DVD yet.”

Me: “Really? I could have sworn that I did.”

Owner: “Well, it’s not showing up on the system, and I can’t find it on the shelves, either.”

Me: “Aw, man. I have no idea where it is.”

Owner: “Can you have a good look for it at home?”

Me: “Of course.”

I go home and ransack my house. No luck. The next time I visit the store:

Owner’s Wife: “You still have that Six Feet Under DVD, and it’s now really overdue.”

Me: “I’ve looked everywhere. Are you sure that it’s not on the shelf?”

Owner’s Wife: “I’m sure; I’ve checked a few times.”

Me: “Rats. Can I just pay for a new copy?”

Owner’s Wife: “That’s okay. Just keep looking.”

Time goes by, and we have our carpets replaced throughout the house. This means that we empty out every single room as much as we can, and all of our furniture gets moved around. I am certain that the errant DVD will be found, but nope.

Owner: “Uh, that Six Feet Under DVD…”

Me: “I know! I can’t find it, no matter what. Please, can’t I just pay for a new copy?”

Owner: “See, the thing is, they’re not sold by the DVD; they’re sold by the season. You’d have to buy the entire season, and that wouldn’t be fair to you.”

Me: “I really don’t mind.”

Owner: “Nah, it’s cool. Just keep looking.”

Months went by and then years. The owner and his wife would periodically remind me about the missing DVD, I’d offer to pay for an entire season, they’d kindly turn me down, and then the cycle would repeat the next time I visited their store. Sadly, they eventually went out of business. That DVD never showed up. I’m guessing it’s in the Bermuda Triangle.

We’re Expecting A Baby! But It Could Be A Velociraptor…

, , , , , | Healthy | December 2, 2020

I’m pregnant with my second daughter. My general practitioner is very nice but has a little trouble with English. He sends me for an ultrasound and this conversation happens at our next visit.

General Practitioner: “I have results from your ultrasound here.”

Me: “How does it look?”

General Practitioner: “You are having a monster.”

Me: *Horrified* “WHAT?” 

General Practitioner: “Yes. Very big baby. Probably ten pounds.”

Me: “Oh… Thank goodness.”

I probably should have told him that “monster” is NOT the word to use when describing a baby-to-be.

Calories And Money To Burn

, , , , , , | Learning | October 24, 2020

In our younger days, my husband and I sign up for a “boot camp” fitness class. This class is pretty intense and fairly expensive; if memory serves, it costs $300 per person for ten classes.

At the start of the first class, our instructor does a quick roll-call. She frowns and comments:

Instructor: “Hmm, [Classmate] isn’t here. That’s a shame; attending the first class is pretty crucial, because I go over some important techniques. Oh, well. I’ll call her later and see what happened.”

At the start of the second class, [Classmate] is once again a no-show. Someone asks [Instructor] if she’d gotten hold of her.

Instructor: “Oh, yeah. She told me that she got super busy and was unable to make that first class, but she swore she’d be here today. I reminded her that she’d spent $300 and asked if another class time would fit her schedule better, but she said no.”

Third class, still no [Classmate].  

Fourth class, ditto. And so it went. She never did show up, despite [Instructor] bending over backward to try to accommodate her. [Classmate] always had an excuse: “I got busy,” “I forgot,” “I got stuck in traffic,” etc.

[Instructor] even offered to refund some of her money, because she felt bad for taking it and not providing anything in return. [Classmate] indignantly refused this offer.

Classmate: *Defensively* “I’m going to come! I just keep having bad luck!”

As for my husband and me, we enjoyed the class so much, we signed up again for the next session. So did [Classmate]. And you can probably guess what happened.

I guess some folks just have money to burn!

It’s Much Quieter Without Your Shushing

, , , , , , , | Friendly | October 22, 2020

My friends and I have gone to see a movie. There are six of us, all sitting in a row, chatting amiably back and forth as we wait for the previews to start. We hear a noise from the man sitting behind us.

Man: “SHHHH!”

We look at each other in disbelief. The screen is blank, the lights are still up, EVERYONE in the theatre is chatting, and we aren’t even being loud. Just then, the lights go down and the previews start, so we stop talking. There’s just one problem: there’s no sound with the previews. It’s like we’re watching a silent movie.

Friend #1: “Aw, man, what’s all this?”

Man: “SHHHHHHH!”

He starts kicking our seats.

Friend #2: *Quietly* “What the h*** is his deal?”

Friend #3: “Forget him. I’m going to go tell an usher that we’ve got speaker problems.”

He grins evilly as he says that, and I know he’s up to something. [Friend #3] is a bit of a prankster. Sure enough, when he comes back, [Friend #3] talks to us loud enough so that the guy behind us can hear him.

Friend #3: “The usher said there’s nothing they can do. The entire movie is going to be silent.”

Man: “WHAT?!”

And he stomped out of the theatre. The movie started a few minutes later and the sound worked just fine. The “SHHHH” guy never came back.

Cauliberries! Berriflower?

, , , , , | Related | October 15, 2020

My mother-in-law is a bit of an odd duck.

Mother-In-Law: “[My Name], would you like some fresh raspberries? We grew them in our garden.”

Me: “Ooh, yes, please! I love raspberries.”

Mother-In-Law: “Here you go.”

She passes me a Tupperware container. I open it and see cauliflower.

Me: “Um, [Mother-In-Law], this is the wrong one.”

Mother-In-Law: “No, it’s the right one. The raspberries are on the bottom. Just dig for them.”

Me: “…”

In case you’re wondering, cauliflower and raspberries do NOT mix. The berries had a weird taste.