The Great Golf War

, , , , , | Working | July 12, 2018

(It’s our company’s annual Golf Day. It’s a fun event. Basically, we get to golf all afternoon at a reduced price, then eat a nice dinner.)

Event Organizer: “[My Name], could you do me a big favour?”

Me: “Well, I was just about to start golfing—”

Event Organizer: “I know, but the other person organizing Golf Day is stuck in traffic, and I need help assigning everyone to their golf carts and making sure that they’re supplied with bottled water. It’ll take about 30 minutes.”

Me: “Uh… Okay, I guess.”

Event Organizer: “Thanks!” *leaves*

Me: “Wait! What exactly do I do?”

Event Organizer: “You’ll figure it out.”

(I did my best, but because I hadn’t done this before, I was slow – plus, I was unable to get everyone their bottled water before their tee-off time. Some people were visibly annoyed. I got very stressed and upset, and the people I was supposed to be golfing with weren’t impressed to be delayed. Still, it all turned out well in the end – or so I thought. Two days later:)

Event Organizer: “Uh, hi, [My Name]. I’m really sorry to tell you this, but you might be getting a call from HR.”

Me: “What? Why?”

Event Organizer: “Apparently, you missed supplying a couple of golf carts with their bottled water. One of the retirees was really angry, and she told me she was going to call HR to complain about you.”

Me: “I can’t believe this. She got that angry over a free water that maybe cost fifty cents?”

Event Organizer: “Well, she’s a retiree. Maybe she has nothing better to do with her time.”

Getting On Top Of Your Taxes

, , , , , , | Related | July 6, 2018

(There’s a little guy, maybe around 10 or 12, looking at some stuff on sale with his mum.)

Kid: “Look, Mum! Fifteen dollars! I can get it!”

Mum: “There’s tax on top of that.”

Kid: *picks it up and looks on top* “Where?”

Making A Racket About A Racquet

, , , , , | Related | July 4, 2018

(In the 70s, when I am in high school, my gym class teaches the fundamentals of tennis. I’m not in the least bit athletic, but something about tennis appeals to me. My birthday is coming up soon, and my mother asks me what I’d like for a present.)

Me: “I’d like a tennis racquet!”

Mum: “A what? But you don’t play tennis!”

Me: “I know, but my school introduced me to it, and I had fun. I’d like to try playing, but I need a racquet.”

Mum: “I don’t know. You’ve never been at all athletic, and racquets are probably expensive.”

Me: “Maybe we could get a used one that would be cheaper? I don’t need a good one.”

Mum: “We’ll see.”

(My birthday comes and goes, with no racquet. I ask Mum why; her response is a vague, “It would probably have been too expensive.” I am very disappointed. Several years later:)

Me: “I’ve started getting interested in [activity].”

Mum: “Ha! You won’t stick with it.”

Me: *insulted* “What makes you say that?”

Mum: *smugly* “Remember how gung-ho you were about tennis? You sure dropped that in a hurry.”

Me: “Uh, Mum? It’s kind of difficult to play tennis without a racquet.”

Mum: “Whatever. I’m just glad that I didn’t waste my money on something that you wouldn’t even have used.”

(What made it even more irritating is that, to this day, she brings up the tennis story as an example of how I don’t follow through on plans.)

Doesn’t Understand The “Or” Part

, , , , , , | Working | June 29, 2018

(My husband and I are at the grocery store, picking up a few things. When it’s time to pay, we choose the express checkout line.)

Cashier: “Excuse me; this line is for fifteen items or less.”

Me: “Yes, I know; I have fifteen items.”

Cashier: *gives heavy sigh* “I said; fifteen items or LESS!”

Me: *confused* “Yes, I heard you, and I have exactly fifteen items.”

Cashier: *glaring* “Fifteen items. OR LESS!”

Me: *gives up, goes to another line*

Two Ruined Dates For The Price Of One

, , , , , | Romantic | June 25, 2018

(My friend is out with a guy on a first date. She can’t help but notice that he’s staring at a woman sitting with her date at a nearby table.)

Friend: “Is something wrong?”

Guy: “Sorry, but that woman looks really familiar. It’s bugging me; I know I’ve seen her before.”

Woman’s Date: “Can I help you, buddy?”

Guy: “No disrespect intended, man, but I think I’ve met this lady before.”

Woman: *looking uncomfortable* “I don’t think so, sir.”

Guy: “No, I’m sure of it… Wait! Do you dance at [Burlesque House]?”

Woman: “Yes.”

Guy: “That’s it! I’ve seen you strip!”

Woman’s Date: “WHAT?”

Friend: “WHAT?”

Guy: “What?”

(Both dates were over pretty quickly after that.)

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