Forced Friendship

, , , , , | Learning | August 22, 2018

(When my daughter first starts high school, she doesn’t know very many people. She is quite shy and introverted, so she doesn’t have any friends at first. One day, this happens.)

Teacher: “Every lunchtime, I see you sitting here in the library alone. It’s not right.”

Daughter: “I don’t mind. I like the library.”

Teacher: No. It’s not right. A young girl like you should be having fun with friends.”

Daughter: “Um…”

Teacher: “Yes, yes, I know; you don’t have any. That’s about to change. I’m going to bring you out of your shell.”

Daughter: *alarmed* “No, thank you! I’m fine as I am.”

Teacher: “Nonsense! All you need is a little push in the right direction. Leave it all to me. We’ll start tomorrow.” *leaves*

(My daughter is horrified and doesn’t know what to do. I notice that evening that she is very quiet, and after some gentle prodding, she tells me everything. I ask her if she’d like me to intervene, and I get a hesitant, “Okay,” for an answer. I call the school and leave a message asking the teacher to call me. The next day:)

Teacher: “Hello, is this [My Name], [Daughter]’s mother? I had a message to call you.”

Me: *pleasantly* “Hello, Mr. [Teacher]. I understand that you’ve decided to take my daughter under your wing.”

Teacher: *happily* “Oh, yes! I see shy kids like her all the time, and–”

Me: “Let me stop you right there. My daughter is fine. Please leave her alone.”

Teacher: “But… I’m just trying to help.”

Me: “I’m sure that you have good intentions, but your help is neither wanted or needed.”

Teacher: “But a young girl like her should have friends! It’s not natural for her to be alone all the time!”

Me: “She’ll make friends on her own when she’s ready.”

Teacher: “…”

Me: “I hope I’ve made myself clear.”

Teacher: *long pause* “Yes.”

Me: “Good. I’m glad we had this talk. Have a nice day!” *click*

(He never talked to my daughter again unless it was about schoolwork. She started making friends soon after that.)

It’s A Running Problem

, , , , | Right | August 17, 2018

(I’m volunteering for a local race, packing up and handing out runner kits at a local community center. There’s a sign on the front desk with a bright red arrow pointing to the gym for kit pick-up. I’m hanging another sign nearby when a runner comes in, and walks right up to the front desk.)

Runner: “Where do I pick up my race kit?”

Front Desk: “Just to the right in the gym. There will be a sign right out front.”

Runner: *walks off in that general direction, having still not noticed either of the five-foot signs*

Me: “I thought the signs were big enough to be noticed, but I guess not.”

Front Desk: “He’s the third one today.”

The State Of The Estate Is In A State

, , , , | Right | July 27, 2018

Me: “Hello, thanks for calling [Company]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “My husband died, and I need to get the name changed to my account so I can pay his bills.”

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry, ma’am. Would you like me to send the bills to his estate?”

Customer: *after a pause* “He don’t got an estate.”

Me: “Ma’am, in this instance, estate means whatever property and money the deceased had, usually controlled by his will’s executor, or lawyer.”

Customer: *after a long pause* “He don’t got an estate.”

Me: *pause* “I’ll just change it to your name, shall I?”

Do As I Swear, Not As I Do

, , , , , , | Related | July 24, 2018

(I’m driving with my mother when someone cuts me off in traffic.)

Me: “Stupid a**hole!”

Mum: “[My Name], don’t swear! I raised you better than that!”

(Later on, she is telling me about driving with a friend of the family. Said friend is close to me in age and happens to be male.)

Mum: “So, someone cut [Friend] off, and he called the other driver a ‘dumb f****** dips***.’ Ha ha! He was mortified that he’d sworn in front of me, but I told him that I just thought it was funny.”

Me: “How come when I do it, it’s terrible, but when [Friend] does it, it’s funny?”

Mum: *pause* “Well, I’m not [Friend]’s mother, so it’s different.”

Me: “Would it still be ‘different’ if [Friend] was female?”

Mum: “Of course not! Women shouldn’t swear!”

Me: “Uh-huh...”

Don’t Drink And Parent

, , , , , , | Learning | July 19, 2018

(My sixteen-year-old daughter is taking drivers’ education at her school. The first part takes place in the classroom, followed by practical experience driving a car. Parents are allowed to attend the classroom part if they wish.)

Instructor: “Now, the law for drinking and driving for new drivers is very strict. It’s a zero-tolerance policy.”

(The mother of one of the kids raises her hand.)

Mother: “What does that mean?”

Instructor: “That means that your kids won’t be allowed to have any alcohol if they’re going to be driving within a certain timeframe.”

Mother: “I don’t get it.”

Instructor: “It’s actually very simple. If your kid will be driving within [number of hours], they can’t have any alcohol.”


Instructor: “None.”

Mother: “But let’s say that my son is at a party, and he’s going to be there for an hour; it’s okay if he has just one beer, right?”

Instructor: *stares at her* “No.”

Mother:No? But it’s just one beer!”

Instructor: *starting to lose patience* “No alcohol. Period.”

Mother: “But—”

Instructor: “NO. ALCOHOL.”

Mother: “…”

(Her son looked mortified.)

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