The Gift Of Leaving

, , , , , , | Related | May 10, 2018

(My mother-in-law is a difficult woman.)

Mother-In-Law: “We never see you anymore!”

Husband: “Well, Mum, I have Christmas presents for you and Dad; would it be okay if I stopped by later this week to drop them off? Then we can have a visit.”

Mother-In-Law: “That’ll be fine. What time?”

Husband: “How about Wednesday after work? I’ll be there around 6:30.”

Mother-In-Law: “Sounds good; see you then.”

(I don’t assume that they’ll give him dinner, but I figure that since he’ll be there for a while, they might offer a cup of tea and a cookie. Therefore, I am surprised when he is home by 7:30.)

Me: “You’re home early!”

Husband: “Yup. Is there any dinner left? I’m starving.”

Me: “Didn’t they offer you anything?”

Husband: *laughing ruefully* “Well, as soon as I arrived, Mum said, ‘Our friends are here to play cards, so you can’t stay. Just put the presents over there. Bye.’ And that was that. I didn’t even get a chance to take my coat off.”

(And she wonders why we don’t visit more often.)

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Completely Time-Zoned Out

, , , , , , , | Working | May 10, 2018

(I work in an IT department that hires  “co-op students,” or students studying IT at a local university. These folks are hired for four-month periods, and because they are new and young, they are subjected to some harmless hazing.)

Coworker: “Hey, [Co-Op Student], did you know that it’s your job to get us all coffee each morning?”

Co-Op Student: “Really?”

Me: “Oh, yeah. All the co-ops we’ve had do that for us.”

Co-Op Student: “Huh. Do you give me the money for the coffee, or…?”

Coworker: “Of course not! You have to pay for everything.”

Co-Op Student: *starting to look worried*  

Me: “I can’t stand it; we’re just teasing, dude. You don’t really have to get us coffee.”

Co-Op Student: *relieved* “You guys are terrible!”

(A few weeks later, Daylight Saving is upon us.)

Coworker: “Hey, [Co-Op], don’t forget that Daylight Saving happens this weekend.”

Co-Op Student: “Huh?”

Coworker: “You know; ‘Spring forward, fall back’?”

Co-Op Student: *blank stare*

Coworker: “It’s the ‘spring forward’ thing this time, so that means that you need to move your clocks forward one hour.”

Co-Op Student: “Ha ha! You almost got me! Nice try, [Coworker].”

Me: “Uh, he’s not joking this time.”

Co-Op Student: “Yeah, right. ‘Move clocks forward one hour.’ As if!”

(It turned out that the student was from a province that didn’t use Daylight Saving. Guess who was late for work on Monday?)

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Riding This Excuse All The Way Home

, , , , , , , | Working | May 3, 2018

(I am working as a cashier at a bulk food place. One of the duties for cashiers is cleaning up the store after closing. A colleague and I are cleaning, then a few minutes later…)

Colleague: “Hey, [Supervisor], my dad is here to drive me home.”

Supervisor: “You’re not done cleaning yet, though.”

Colleague: *whining* “But my dad is waiting!”

Supervisor: “Well, okay, you can leave.”

Me: “But that will leave me to do all the cleaning by myself.”

Supervisor: “You’re not getting a ride home, though, right? You have your own car.”

Me: “Well, yes, but—”

Supervisor: “So there’s no problem!”

(The supervisor leaves to do other work, and [Colleague] happily goes home. It takes me ages to do all the cleaning myself, so much so that I submit a claim for overtime. The following day…)

Big Boss: “What the heck? Why did you claim overtime for staying late last night?”

Me: *explains*

Big Boss: “I see. Okay, I’ll make sure you’re paid what you’re owed, and don’t worry; this will never happen again.”

(The supervisor got a royal chewing-out, with the admonition that no one would go home until the cleaning was done, period, not even if the Queen herself was waiting to give someone a ride.)

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She Has No Power To Help You

, , , , , | Working | May 1, 2018

(My daughter works for a dinner theatre. Her manager is pretty useless. One night, my daughter has to phone her at home.)

Manager: “Hello?”

Daughter: “Boss, the power just went out in the entire building. There are no lights, and we can’t cook any of the food for the guests’ meals. The show is supposed to start soon. What do I do?”

Manager: *sounding bored* “Just do your best.” *click*

Daughter: “Wow. Not helpful.”

(Luckily, the power came back on shortly afterward. My daughter started looking for a new job after that.)

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They’re Not Excelling At This

, , , , , | Working | April 30, 2018

(I work in tech support. My company has hired several temporary workers to help out with some data-entry stuff.)

Temp: “Hey, can you help me?”

Me: “Sure. What do you need?”

Temp: “I was working on a spreadsheet, and I saved it, but now I can’t find it.”

Me: “That shouldn’t be a problem. What was it called?”

Temp: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Okay. When did you save it?”

Temp: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Did you save it yesterday?”

Temp: “Maybe. I can’t remember.”

Me: “Tell you what; I’ll search your entire hard drive for every file ending in ‘.xls’ or ‘.xlsx.’”

Temp: “What for?”

Me: “You said it was a spreadsheet; I’m assuming you used Microsoft Excel to create it.”

Temp: “What’s Excel?”

Me: “Okay, never mind. I’ll search your hard drive for every file that was saved over the last few days.” *does so* “Here’s one called ‘Important Work.xls.’ Would that be it?”

Temp: “No.”

Me: “Okay, how about this one. ‘Important Stuff.xls’?”

Temp: “Open it and I’ll see… No, that’s not it.”

(Thirty minutes later:)

Me: *frustrated* “I’m really sorry, but I can’t seem to find your file. You’ve told me that all the ones we’ve found aren’t correct.”

Temp: “Well, that’s just great! I thought you were going to HELP ME!” *stalks off*

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