Getting Farther And Father From Their Plan

, , , , , , , | Related | May 28, 2018

(Father’s Day is approaching.)

Husband’s Sister: “Okay, this is what I’ve planned for Dad for Father’s Day. I need you to get to my house early so that we can set stuff up for the barbeque that we’ll have later in the day.”

Husband: “Um, wait a sec. I’m glad to help set stuff up, but I can’t be there until after 1:00 or so.”

Sister: “Why not?”

Husband: “I have plans.”

Sister: “What? What plans? What plans could you possibly have on Father’s Day?”

Husband: “[Wife] and [Daughters] are taking me out for brunch.”

Sister: “Oh. I guess you’re a father, too, huh?”

Husband: “Yup. Have been for the last several years, actually.”

(The kicker is that she’s married with kids – and yet, she seemed to have completely forgotten about doing anything for her husband that day, too.)


This story is part of our Father’s Day roundup.

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You Can’t Handle The Naked Truth

, , , , , | Friendly | May 26, 2018

(Our friends [Friend #1] and [Friend #2] are a bit weird, not to mention forgetful.)

Friend #1: “Hey, do you guys want to come over Saturday afternoon and have a barbecue with [Friend #2] and me?”

Us: “Sure. What time? 3:00?”

Friend #1: Sounds good. See you then.

(We arrive on Saturday at 3:00.)

Friend #1: *visibly surprised to see us* “Oh, hi! Excuse me a second.” *leaves*

Me: *to my husband* “That was odd. I have a feeling he forgot he’d invited us over.”

Husband: “Same here.”

Friend #1: “So, here’s the deal, guys: you’re welcome to stay if you really want to, but [Friend #2]’s Wiccan friends are here, and they’re going to be starting their Solstice ceremony soon.”

Me: “Uh… What’s that?”

Friend #1: “Well, it involves stripping naked and dancing around a bonfire.”

Husband: “You know what? I think we’ll get going.”

Friend #1: *relieved* “That’s probably a good idea. Thanks for stopping by!”

(I’m kind of sorry that we didn’t stay, because it would have been interesting, to say the least. But we had our toddler with us, and that would have led to some awkward questions.)

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Father Of The Tried

, , , , , | Related | May 22, 2018

(It’s my wedding day, and my dad is driving me insane. Literally.)

Dad: “I’ll drive you to your hairdresser appointment.”

Me: “Thanks, but I can drive myself, Dad.”

Dad: “No! It’s your wedding day, and I know how you brides get. You’ll probably crash your car because you’re hysterical. Better to let me do it.”

Me: *giving up* “Fine. I need to go to [Salon]. Because the timing is a bit tight, I’ll need to take my dress with me and change after my hair is done, so don’t drive off with my dress still in the car, okay?”

Dad: “Leave everything to me.”

(We get in the car and start driving… in the wrong direction.)

Me: “Dad?”

Dad: *ignores me*

Me: “DAD!”

Dad: “WHAT?”

Me: “Where are we going?”

Dad: “To [Wrong Location], just like you told me!”

Me: “No, I told you [Salon]!”

Dad: “Ugh.” *turns around*

(We arrive at the correct location.)

Me: “Okay, Dad, just let me grab my dress—”

Dad: *starts to drive away*

Me: “DAD!” *bangs on car*

Dad:Now what?”

Me: “My dress!”

Dad: “Oh, for Pete’s sake.” *opens trunk*

(The rest of the day goes fairly smoothly, but then we get to the reception. I am happily chatting with some of my guests when Dad walks up to me with a scowl.)

Dad: “Hey, I need to talk to you.”

Me: “Sure, what’s up?”

Dad: “Your grandmother needs a cup of tea.” *looks at me expectantly*

Me: “Okay?”

Dad: “Well? Talk to one of these people!” *gestures at the staff*

Me: “Why me?”

Dad: “You’re the bride! They’ll listen to you!”

Me: “Dad, you’re the father of the bride, and you’re a guest. They’ll listen to you.”

Dad: “Hmph.” *stomps away*

(The irony is that, after his insistence that brides get “hysterical,” the only thing making me even close to hysterical that day was HIM. I still love him, though.)

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The Gift Of Leaving

, , , , , , | Related | May 10, 2018

(My mother-in-law is a difficult woman.)

Mother-In-Law: “We never see you anymore!”

Husband: “Well, Mum, I have Christmas presents for you and Dad; would it be okay if I stopped by later this week to drop them off? Then we can have a visit.”

Mother-In-Law: “That’ll be fine. What time?”

Husband: “How about Wednesday after work? I’ll be there around 6:30.”

Mother-In-Law: “Sounds good; see you then.”

(I don’t assume that they’ll give him dinner, but I figure that since he’ll be there for a while, they might offer a cup of tea and a cookie. Therefore, I am surprised when he is home by 7:30.)

Me: “You’re home early!”

Husband: “Yup. Is there any dinner left? I’m starving.”

Me: “Didn’t they offer you anything?”

Husband: *laughing ruefully* “Well, as soon as I arrived, Mum said, ‘Our friends are here to play cards, so you can’t stay. Just put the presents over there. Bye.’ And that was that. I didn’t even get a chance to take my coat off.”

(And she wonders why we don’t visit more often.)

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Completely Time-Zoned Out

, , , , , , , | Working | May 10, 2018

(I work in an IT department that hires  “co-op students,” or students studying IT at a local university. These folks are hired for four-month periods, and because they are new and young, they are subjected to some harmless hazing.)

Coworker: “Hey, [Co-Op Student], did you know that it’s your job to get us all coffee each morning?”

Co-Op Student: “Really?”

Me: “Oh, yeah. All the co-ops we’ve had do that for us.”

Co-Op Student: “Huh. Do you give me the money for the coffee, or…?”

Coworker: “Of course not! You have to pay for everything.”

Co-Op Student: *starting to look worried*  

Me: “I can’t stand it; we’re just teasing, dude. You don’t really have to get us coffee.”

Co-Op Student: *relieved* “You guys are terrible!”

(A few weeks later, Daylight Saving is upon us.)

Coworker: “Hey, [Co-Op], don’t forget that Daylight Saving happens this weekend.”

Co-Op Student: “Huh?”

Coworker: “You know; ‘Spring forward, fall back’?”

Co-Op Student: *blank stare*

Coworker: “It’s the ‘spring forward’ thing this time, so that means that you need to move your clocks forward one hour.”

Co-Op Student: “Ha ha! You almost got me! Nice try, [Coworker].”

Me: “Uh, he’s not joking this time.”

Co-Op Student: “Yeah, right. ‘Move clocks forward one hour.’ As if!”

(It turned out that the student was from a province that didn’t use Daylight Saving. Guess who was late for work on Monday?)

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