They Get Sex, You Get Fish

, , , | Healthy | January 10, 2018

(My husband and I had decided to go on a trip to the Dominican Republic with another couple. This couple is about 10 years younger than we are and more attractive. When we go to get our vaccinations before the trip, this happens.)

Nurse: *to the other couple* “Now, you two weren’t planning on getting up to anything naughty with the locals, were you?”

Male Friend: *grinning* “Like what?”

Nurse: *wags finger coyly* “You know what I mean. No sexual activity, okay? You could catch something that these shots won’t prevent.”

Female Friend: “Don’t worry, we won’t.”

Nurse: “Good to know. Have fun. Next!”

Me & My Husband: “That would be us.”

Nurse: *suddenly very business-like* “I have a warning for you two, as well.”

Me: “Don’t have sex with the locals?”

Nurse: “What? No, I was going to warn you not to eat the fish. It might make you sick.”

(As we walked away, my husband said “I feel vaguely insulted and I’m not sure why.”)

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Overtime For Disappointment

, , , , , , , | Working | January 7, 2018

(I supervise a guy who is, quite honestly, a royal pain. He doesn’t like taking instructions from women, and he seems to think that he is better than anyone else. This happens when we are swamped and need to put in some overtime on the weekend to make an important deadline.)

Me: *at 1:00 pm on Friday afternoon* “[Coworker], you and I need to be here on Sunday afternoon so that we can get this work finished.”

Employee: “Really? Ugh.”

Me: “Yeah, I know; I don’t like working on a weekend, either, but it has to be done.”

Employee: “Fine.”

Me: “So, I’ll be here by noon. Can you make it by then?”

Employee: “I suppose so.”

Me: “Are you sure? Because this is really important.”

Employee:Yes. I said I’d be here; I’ll be here!”

Me: “Okay.”

(Later, as I am getting ready to leave for the day:)

Me: “See you on Sunday.”

Employee: “Huh? Oh, right. What time?”

Me: “Noon.”

Employee: “Okay.”

(I arrive at the office by noon on Sunday. There is no sign of him, but I’m not worried at first, until 1:00 pm comes and goes with no sign of him. I have done a lot of work already, but I definitely need his help. I decide to give him a call, but I get his answering machine.)

Me: “[Coworker], it’s [My Name]. Where are you? We were supposed to meet here at the office at noon. I hope you’re on your way.” *resumes working*

(2:00 pm…)

Me: “[Coworker], it’s [My Name] again. Please get here as soon as possible. Thanks.”

(3:00 pm… At this point, I’ve finished my part and have started his.)

Me: [Coworker], it’s [My Name] again. This is ridiculous. Where the h*** are you?”

(4:00 pm…)

Me: “Me again. I guess there’s no point in you coming in now, even if you were planning to. I’ve already done most of your work for you. See you Monday.”

(Monday…)

Coworker: “Hey, [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes?” *expecting an explanation and an apology*

Coworker: “I got all your voicemails. I have no idea why you expected me to come in on Sunday. You never said anything. Naturally, if you’d told me you needed me here, I would have been here.”

Me: “You’re joking, right? I reminded you twice on Friday.”

Coworker: “I don’t remember that.”

Me: *head-desk*

(He quit shortly after that. I wish I could say that that was the last time I saw him, but I had the misfortune to work with him at two other companies after that. He was still misogynistic and convinced that the work he was given was beneath him.)

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Watch Out For The Customer Looking At Watches

, , , , , , | Working | January 2, 2018

(I am a mystery shopper. For this particular assignment, I’ve been asked to wear old clothes and see if I will receive service at the watch and jewelry counter at a somewhat high-end department store. I am told to not verbally address any of the clerks directly, but eye contact is okay. I show up looking like I’ve just come from the gym, wearing an old Batman shirt and yoga pants.)

Clerk: *moves away from my area and ignores me*

Me: *makes direct eye contact*

Clerk: *starts to chat with a colleague and ignores me*

(I am starting to understand why I’ve been asked to do this assignment. I decide to make a game of it.)

Me: *very obviously checks out the more expensive watches*

Clerk: *continues to chat with colleague*

Me: *moves on to the 18-karat gold jewelry*

Clerk: “Boy, I can’t wait for this day to be over. It’s been so quiet today!”

(I finally gave up after waiting for over twenty minutes. I took a certain savage glee in writing up my report for the mystery shopper company.)

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Your Gift Is All In The Delivery

, , , , | Right | December 22, 2017

(It is very close to Christmas. Not unexpectedly, the line-up for the post office is very long. The lady ahead of me has probably been waiting for at least 20 minutes by the time she reaches the counter.)

Lady: “How much to mail this package to [Province]?”

Clerk: “$3, ma’am. $5 if you want to be guaranteed that it will get there by Christmas.”

Lady: “$3? Are you serious? That’s more than the gift cost! Forget it!” *leaves*

(So, to recap: she spent less than $3 on someone’s Christmas present, waited in line for almost half-an-hour to mail it, but balked at a $3 mailing charge. I feel sorry for the would-be recipient!)

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Can’t Clean Your Hands Of This Crime

, , , , , , | Working | December 13, 2017

(We have someone come in once a week to clean our house. She is, in a word, amazing; our house looks fantastic, and she always goes that extra mile to make it look even better. When a friend tells me that she is looking for a cleaner, I gladly recommend my cleaner. A few weeks later, my friend phones me.)

Friend: “This is a little awkward, but… have you noticed any money missing from your house?”

Me: “No. Oh, wait a second. [Eight-Year-Old Daughter] said that she can’t find some money that she’s been saving. She’s kind of careless, so I assumed she’d just misplaced it. Why do you ask?”

Friend: “I keep noticing small amounts missing, say, $5 or $10, and it’s always after [Cleaner] has been here.”

Me: “Oh, dear! I hope I didn’t let a thief into your house!”

Friend: “Tell you what: my husband has tomorrow off, and [Cleaner] is coming to clean. I’m going to deliberately leave $10 lying under a chair, and he’ll see what she does.”

Me: “Okay. Keep me posted.”

(The next day…)

Friend: “Well, she tried to steal the $10. She picked it up and put it in her pocket, and when my husband confronted her, she pretended that it was hers. We fired her on the spot.”

Me: “Guess I’ll have to do the same. Ugh. I’m so sorry about this!”

(I phone our cleaner.)

Me: “My friend told me what happened at her house. My little girl’s money is missing as well. Did you steal it?”

Cleaner: “What? No! Of course not! I would never do such a thing to a child!”

Me: “I’m thinking seriously about phoning the police.”

Cleaner: “NO! You don’t need to do that. Listen… I’m completely innocent, but just to show good faith, I’ll return… um, I mean give you half of the missing money. That’ll be $65. How’s that sound?”

Me: “I don’t remember telling you how much was missing.”

Cleaner: “…”

Me: “Forget it. You’re fired.”

(We changed our locks, of course, and I gave my daughter her money back out of my own pocket. To this day, I still miss my cleaner. She was such an awesome cleaner, and if she’d only taken money from ME, I might have turned a blind eye to her stealing.)

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