Clean Meets Mean

, , , , | Right | July 10, 2018

(It’s a slow Monday evening, and I’m the only one cleaning theaters. Our busiest show only has five customers, and I’m waiting in the back of the auditorium with a trash can and broom for the customers to leave as the credits are rolling. [Customer #1] and [Customer #2] are attending the movie together, while [Customer #3] is part of a different group.)

Customer #1: *overheard to [Customer #2]* “Do you want to help me pick this up?”

([Customer #1] gestures to several drinks, courtesy cups, courtesy trays, and napkins strewn across their seats and the floor. I start to push the trash can as close to their row as physically possible to be helpful and drop a hint.)

Customer #2: *gestures to me* “Nah, she’ll get it. It’s whatever. Let’s go.”

Me: *seething as [Customer #1] walks past me* “Have a good evening.”

Customer #3: “Excuse me? Do you mind if I put this in here?” *gestures with empty popcorn bag to trash can*

Me: “Not at all! Thanks so much. I appreciate it! Have a nice evening.”

([Customer #2], who had been collecting her purse and jacket from her seat, turns beet red and runs out of the theater after [Customer #1], still leaving all the garbage behind.)

Me: *calling after her with as much sarcasm as I can muster without actually sounding rude* “Enjoy the rest of your evening!”

Nothing Never Tasted So Good

, , , , , , , | Related | June 11, 2018

(I am visiting my cousin and niece at their house. They are in the kitchen while I am in an adjacent room.)

Niece: “Daddy, can I have some ice cream?”

Cousin: “Sure thing. Don’t tell anyone else about this, okay?”

(At this point, I need something from the kitchen, so I walk in, just as my cousin is opening the freezer and taking out an ice cream carton.)

Me: “Hey there, [Niece]. What are you doing?”

Niece: “We’re getting… nothing from the freezer.”

(She held her arms out, as if to block me from seeing my very tall cousin prepare an ice cream cone.)