Not “Playing” Possum Anymore

, , , , , | Related | July 8, 2018

(When I was a child, we lived in a suburban neighborhood with older houses built close together. One year, my mother gets “puppy fever” and adopts a German Shepherd. She and the dog bond instantly, and she becomes overprotective of him. That same year, a family of opossums moves into our backyard. When our dog is outside, the opossums sit on the back fence and hiss at him. They are too high up for him to reach, so he angrily barks at them. My mother becomes enraged, as well, that the opossums are taunting her “baby,” and tries to chase them off with a broom, but each night they return. One night, we hear the dog begin to bark at the fence, and Mother jumps to her feet, yelling, “That’s it!” As we watch in horror, she retrieves my father’s shotgun from the closet, marches outside, and begins shooting at the back fence. Having little experience with guns, she misses the opossums completely, but does manage to hit the neighbor’s garage.)

Neighbor: *running outside* “Oh, my God! What’s wrong?”

Mom: “Mind your own business!”

(My mother passed away in May of this year. My brother and I shared this story at her funeral: she was incorrigible to the end, and we think she would have approved.)

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Taking Catty Behavior To A Whole New Level

, , , , , , , | Friendly | July 8, 2018

When I was a child, my dad had a bunch of friends from work over. Our elderly cat is friendly and likes to come out and say hi to new people, which wasn’t a problem until he jumped up onto the couch to come and sit with me, his favorite person. One of Dad’s coworkers then proceeded to grab my cat by the neck — not even the skin on the back of his neck, his actual neck — and slam him onto the hardwood floor and shout at him, “Animals do not belong on the couch!”

There was an awkward silence as everyone processed what she’d just done. The cat ran and hid, and was in so much pain afterwards that we had to get him checked out by a vet. Turns out she slammed him onto the ground so hard that she broke two of his ribs, which never healed properly because he was so old. She was ordered to get out right away, and anytime she tried to get a word in, my dad would shout, “GET OUT!” over her until she left. I’d never seen him so angry in my life.

She later got fired from her job because she acted like my dad had been unreasonable and kept trying to start drama with him until their boss got sick of it.

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Sip Of Justice

, , , , | Legal | July 7, 2018

(This takes place in the drive-thru.)

Me: “Your total is $5.45.”

Customer: “Last time I was here you got my order wrong! I swear to God if you got it wrong this time…”

Me: *confirms order, just to avoid hearing her complain* “All right, so, that’s $5.45.”

(The customer pays for her order, grabs her drink, and takes one sip and immediately starts screaming. She reels back to throw her drink at me, but I quickly close the drive-thru window, and the drink bounces off of it and lands on her. She drives off screaming before coming inside, covered in her drink.)

Customer: *to my manager* “THAT LITTLE B**** THREW MY DRINK AT ME!”

Manager: “That really doesn’t sound like something she’d do, but I’ll go ahead and check the security cameras.” *after checking the footage* “All right, ma’am, I have video evidence of you trying to assault one of my employees. If you leave now we won’t call the police.”

(The customer screamed incoherently and ran away. We called the police anyway and gave them the footage and her license plate number.)

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Sunscreen: Factor 40%

, , , , , | Right | July 6, 2018

(I work as a lifeguard on a beach resort. The beach is privately owned, but there is no admission; the resort makes money off of vendors. No outside alcohol is allowed in the area, and any alcohol must be drunk in the bar. Absolutely no alcohol is allowed on the beach itself, but people try to sneak stuff in all the time. They think they are being sneaky by putting it in strange bottles, but it’s pretty obvious to us when you start drinking out of your sunscreen. I see one woman pouring something out of her sunscreen into a cup. I approach her and realize she reeks of alcohol.)

Me: “Ma’am, you need to leave. We don’t allow alcohol on the beach.”

Drunk Woman: “What? What alcohol?”

Me: “In your sunscreen.”

Drunk Woman: “That’s sunscreen!”

(She picks it up and waves it in my face.)

Me: “Please show me.”

Drunk Woman: “I don’t have to show you anything. You work for me; I pay your salary!”

Me: “This is a free park. You haven’t paid anything.”

Drunk Woman: “I pay my taxes, and you work for the park!”

Me: “My salary is paid by the vendors, who ban outside alcohol. I need that bottle.”

(The drunk woman throws her bottle into the water.)

Drunk Woman: “F*** you! I don’t have any alcohol anymore; you can’t do anything!”

(I page security, and go after the flask, so a kid doesn’t get to it. Suddenly, she runs past me and frantically begins splashing around, screaming:)

Drunk Woman: “You can’t prove anything without the bottle!”

(Security attempted to stop her, but it’s hard to restrain someone in the water. She kept wriggling out of their grip, and managed to lose her swimsuit along the way. Eventually I found the bottle and held it up, and she came after me. I ran for the lifeguard tower with the drunk woman and security following. I climbed up the tower and watched as security chased her on the beach until they tackled her and hauled her away. Later, I heard the police charged her with public drunkenness and assault.)

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The Benefits Of Knowing About Benefits

, , , , | Legal | July 5, 2018

(I work in a benefits office. There are two customers behind the one I am helping.)

Customer #2: *to Customer #3* “Did I tell you I got a new job?”

Customer #3: “Aren’t you here for unemployment benefits?”

Customer #2: “Yeah!”

([Customer #1] looks at me in horror as [Customer #2] continues to boast about his job. I smile at her.)

Me: “Don’t worry; it will be taken care of. Next?”

Customer #2: “I want my unemployment benefits.”

Me: “No, sir. I just heard you talking quite loudly about your new job, as did a room full of witnesses. We also have security cameras. Are you going to leave or am I going to call the police?”

Customer #2: “Listen here, you little b****. You’re just a useless woman who doesn’t understand business. Give me my benefits or I’ll smash your head in.”

(He is clearly drunk. My manager steps in at this stage, a bulk of muscle.)

Manager: “I’m very sorry, sir. If you’d like to step into this side room for me? We can sort out your benefits. Do you have your forms?”

(He winks at me as they leave. I continue to help customers until two police officers step through the door. They head into the staff room to review security footage and then enter the side room, leaving with the man in handcuffs, who is screaming.)

Policeman #1: “…benefit fraud, aggravated assault, and disturbing the peace.”

(The man sees me and the manager, who comes to stand beside me.)

Manager: “You are no longer welcome on these premises. Next time you assault my fiancée or any of my staff you’ll be in hospital before the police get here.”

Me: “By the way, I’m a newly-graduated business major working here before I start my new job. Have fun in custody!”

(We heard later that he was to face a judge soon, and never heard anything else, but we never saw him again. I started my new job a month later, and am a lot happier. My fiancé and I are married now, and he told the story at our wedding!)

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