The Key To Pressing Charges

, , , , , | Legal | July 28, 2018

(I am a broke university student, driving almost every weekend to my parents house to do laundry as it is cheaper than laundromats. My old car is so rusty I am sure it will fail its next biannual mandatory safety inspection. I’ve just gotten into my car, searching the USB drive with my music on it, and I hear someone honking. I know parking spaces are sparse in my neighborhood, so I quickly continue searching as I presume he only wants to let me know he’s there waiting for my parking spot. Not a minute later the driver, a man from my house, is knocking on my window.)

Me: *cranking down my window* “Hi. I’m driving away in a minute. I just need to search something quickly.”

Man: “Hurry up! I don’t have all day.”

(This angers me, so I take my bag, get out of the car and lock it.)

Me: “You know what? I think I’m just going to drive tomorrow morning. Have a nice evening.”

Man: “WHAT?! No, there’s no other parking space right now! Get back in your car and get lost.”

Me: *looking at my watch* “Considering the time of day I don’t think there’s going to be another one soon, either. You better search elsewhere. Bye!”

(I go home and cool down. The next morning I get to my car and find it with profanities scratched into all four sides of it, and quite a few dents ranging from small to almost a hole. I call the police and tell them what happened. They come quickly; I show them to the neighbor and they confront him about it.)

Man: *grinning* “Oh, no! I’d never do such a thing.”

Police: *pointing at his key visible at a table near the entrance* “Do you mind if we take a look at that key right there?”

(He reluctantly handed them the key and, sure enough, it still had visible traces of my car’s paint on it. They took our statements and I continued my day. A few days later the guy’s lawyer contacted me, asking if I’d be willing to drop the charges if he paid for the repairs. I told him the damages are too severe for partial repairs and my mechanic thought the car needed a full bodywork and paint job to rectify the damages. He agreed and I took the car to my mechanic who, besides repairing the damages, also did some smaller, necessary repairs for free as they don’t add up considering the amount of work involved. My car passed its next safety inspection with flying colors. So, thanks for being a d**k! It really helped.)

Bleed For This Job

, , , , , | Right | July 27, 2018

(I am a relatively new employee at this store. On this day I’m showing a customer an expensive “All-In-One” model of food processor.)

Me: “With the capacity and variable speeds, you can pretty much chop, slice, grind, puree, and do anything else you can think of, with pretty much any food.”

Customer: “How do you change the blades?”

Me: “Oh, they just pop out and can be snapped back in.”

Customer: “Demonstrate it for me.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Swap the blades out. I want to see you do it before I put my hands anywhere near this thing.”

Me: “Okay. Well, just so you know, I’ve never done this before, but from the instruction manual, it looks like you just have to grip them carefully by the center, so you don’t get near the sharp parts.”

(I attempt to remove the blade that’s in the processor, only to find it appears to be stuck. Gently, I try to press different parts, seeing if there’s a part I have to depress to release the blade, and find nothing.)

Customer: “Is this going to take long? I can’t stand around all day.”

Me: “Just a moment. Again, this is the first time I’ve tried this, so I just want to be careful.”

(I keep trying to pop the blade out, to no success. Suddenly I spy a coworker walking past us.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], could you help me here? I’m not sure if I’m doing this right and—”

(I suddenly feel something hit the food processor hard, while my hand is still in it. My fingers promptly slip and get sliced open as they accidentally brush across the sharp edge of the blade.)


(I yank my hand out to see blood dripping down my fingers.)

Customer: “Okay, so, at least I now know it can cut like it’s supposed to. Can I get one that doesn’t have blood all over it? I don’t want to catch any diseases from you.”

(Mercifully, I only needed a few band-aids, but we had to damage the display model of the processor out due to the biological hazard.)

A Hairy Escalation

, , , , , , , | Working | July 26, 2018

(I was lucky enough to be born with natural thick, red hair, which I grow long until it reaches my knees — I’m 5’4”. Then, I cut it and sell my plait to a wig company that buys human hair and donates wigs to children with hair loss. I then donate the money, usually to a local organization or charity. The last time I did it, though, I decided to donate the money to a mum with six kids who lost her husband in a car accident, and then soon after lost everything in a house fire. I’m just about ready to cut my hair again and I am discussing it with a coworker when another new coworker joins the conversation.)

Me: “I’m thinking maybe [Organization that works with abused women and kids].”

New Coworker: “Oh, you’re the girl that gives money to people after you cut your hair?”

Me: “Um… I donate the money to a worthy cause.”

New Coworker: “My daughter, who’s sixteen, just found out she’s pregnant. She really needs the money for the baby.”

Me: “Um… Sorry to hear that, but I haven’t made the decision on where I’m donating it yet.”

New Coworker: “Oh, okay.”

(She doesn’t say anything more, and barely talks to me over the next two months. Over the Christmas break that our office is shut, I cut my hair and donate the money to my chosen cause. The first day back, my new coworker approaches me again while talking to my other coworker before we start work.)

New Coworker: “Oh, I see you finally cut your hair.”

Me: “Yep. As it’s summer, it gets quite hot and heavy.”

New Coworker: “Oh, good. So, do you have the money for me?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

New Coworker: “You said you’d give the money to my daughter for her baby.”

Me: *looking to other coworker* “Um… I said I hadn’t decided where I was donating the money.”

New Coworker: “No, you said you’d give the money to my daughter. You better give me the money; my daughter is counting on it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I never said I’d give it to your daughter. I’ve already donated it to [Organization].”

New Coworker: “What?! You said you’d give it to her, not some ungrateful b****es that don’t know how to take care of their men!”

Me: “I never said that, and it’s my choice who I donate the money to. Now, can you please stop causing a scene and let me start my work?”

New Coworker: “My daughter is counting on the money. You’ll be sorry; just wait and see!”

(She then went to the boss and told them that I’d promised her the money, and that when she asked me about it I called her daughter a w**** and said that she, her daughter, and the baby should die. After talking to me, as well as my other coworker and others that were there, my boss then fired her for lying and causing disharmony in the workplace. When she was fired, she proceeded to throw my boss’s computer off the desk and throw a chair through the glass door of the office. She was arrested for damages and making threats to kill me. She also tried to sue the company for unfair dismissal.)

Bouncing This Lesson Off Of The Students

, , , , , , , | Learning | July 24, 2018

(It’s the first day of school in our new high school, and our new science teacher is teaching us about lab safety.)

Teacher: “I’ll teach this once, and once only, as my teacher taught me.”

(He picks up a test tube.)

Teacher: “Test tubes do not bounce.”

(He drops it. It shatters on the floor.)

Teacher: “Neither do beakers.”

(The beaker is dropped.)

Teacher: “Nor anything else, really.”

(He swept the assortment of lab equipment in front of him off the table. It landed on the floor with a resounding crash. We had a great time with that teacher.)

Sweetheart Break

, , , , | Right | July 24, 2018

(Our shop is a small, family-run business that I’ve had the joy of working at for four years. So far it’s been a great day, with a few of my weekly regulars bringing in coffees for a chat and one bringing in their new pup for me to meet. I’m used to being friendly with the customers, and many of them have expressed how they love being called “Sweetheart” or “Love” as I do. A new customer, around sixty, walks into shop surrounded by four children. She proceeds to grab a bag of bird seed and sunflower hearts. I smile and till them up; the total shows up on the customer screen, as well.)

Me: “That’ll be £2.40, please. Would you like a bag?”

(The customer simply nods with a grunt, refusing to look at me as her children pick up and misplace everything not attached to a wall. She places £2.14 on the counter in change and tells me to “put the change in the box,” meaning one of our donation boxes. As it has been a good day so far, I decide not to ask the 5p for a carrier bag or the remaining change. I sort the change and close the till when she finally looks at me.)

Customer: “Are you pocketing the change?!”

(I falter and blush.)

Me: “I’m really sorry, sweetheart, but the total was actually £2.40; you gave me £2.14 so there was no change.”

(She turned red in the face and grabbed in her bag. She took out a handful of 2p coins and threw them at me, shouting, “DON’T CALL ME ‘SWEETHEART’!” before storming out, children in tow. Lesson learned: no good deed goes unpunished.)

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