Superman And The Books Of Evil

, , , , , | Romantic | August 6, 2018

I usually have very vivid dreams — so vivid that sometimes I wake up confused as to why I’m not where I was in the dream. Tonight, I dreamed that my husband turned evil and came home with an evil Superman to destroy our books. I, of course, couldn’t let that happen, so I started punching them, kicking them, and trying to fight them, but they were ridiculously strong and nothing worked. At some point in the dream, they burned the books, so I poured some water over them. The bad guys then proceeded to spill an entire bucket of water over all the books, even those not burnt or burning.

I told my “evil” husband that he wasn’t allowed to touch the books unless he treated them with respect.

He made a noise, and then I smacked him in the face, only to realize with a start that it was a dream, because I actually smacked him in reality. He jumped up, super startled, and I could only apologize.

As I related to him the dream and the reason behind smacking him, we couldn’t stop laughing about the whole thing.

Attack Of The Flying Buns

, , , , | Right | August 5, 2018

(I just clocked in, and am being a good team player by taking food to a table that I am not serving.)

Me: “Hi there, folks! I have your food here: mac-n-cheese for the little guy, a double with cheese, double with cheese no pickle, chili bowl, and a double no cheese. Is that everything? Do you all need any condiments or refills?”

(As I am standing and waiting to see if they need anything, something comes flying at me and lands on my empty tray. I realize that it is a bun. One of the ladies is throwing the bun, lettuce, tomato, and pickle onto my tray, leaving only the patties on her plate. She seems upset.)

Me: “Is there anything I can get you, ma’am?”

Customer: “I told them not to put any d*** sauce on my burger!”

Me: “Oh, um, well, I’m sorry about that. I can have the kitchen remake it for you; it will only take a cou—”

Customer: “No! I’m hungry now! If you put the order in right the first time, it wouldn’t have happened.”

(She says this even though I look nothing like their actual server.)

Me: “Is there a different meal I ca—”

Customer: “NO!”

Me: “Okay, your server will be with you in a moment.”

(I go and show my manager the mess on my tray and uniform and tell her about the complaint. She tries to talk to the lady, too, and ends up giving her a free dessert. Thankfully it isn’t her, but her son who paid, and he seems to be upset with her, as well. Before she leaves, she comes up to the server-only area to talk to the manager.)

Customer: “I just want to say that you have such wonderful employees who are just so accommodating!”

(After she leaves the manager laughs.)

Manager: “Yeah, accommodating! Come eat here and you get to throw food at the employees.”

(She gave me a free dinner after my shift that night.)

Spanks For Shopping With Us!

, , , , , , | Right | August 3, 2018

(I work at a local grocery store as a cashier. A lady comes up to my register with her two children: a boy and girl. As I begin to ring up their order, the boy starts running around the register screaming.)

Customer: “[Boy], shut the h*** up.”

(The boy became quiet. I finished up the order and stated the total. The mom started to go through her purse. I was then surprised when a ten-year-old’s hand spanked my bottom, and the kid started repeatedly saying I was a bad girl. The mother said nothing, and handed me a $20 to pay for their order like it nothing happened.)

Teaching These Days Can Be Murder

, , , , , | Learning | August 1, 2018

(I am in my first semester of college, and one of my teachers for a music theory class starts showing up irregularly. I am in his first class, which meets on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. After about a week of it, I happen to run into a classmate from that class.)

Classmate: “Remember how he canceled all classes on Wednesday?”

Me: “Yeah, that following Friday he said he’d been sick and didn’t want to spread it to any of the music students.”

Classmate: “Yep. And then his car broke down on Monday, so only our class was canceled.”

Me: “And now today.”

Classmate: “About that… as I was walking by his door and saw the note, I said, ‘What did he do? Die?’ One of the other teachers said, ‘Yes,’ and walked away.”

Me: “What? Was she joking?”

(It turns out… no, they weren’t joking. Later that evening word got out. The previous night, he had apparently collected his mother from the nursing home, strangled her to death with a rope, and then hanged himself. In the meantime, the college bent over backwards getting us a substitute and creating many memorials for him. I don’t know how long that lasted, however, because not everyone was pleased with the college’s decision to honor him. As one angry student said, “The ONLY reason he’s not in jail for murder is because he killed himself!” I suspect they eventually realized it was rather… awkward to memorialize a murderer, despite how much they missed him.)

Raze-ing Hell

, , | Right | August 1, 2018

(I have a long line at the registers. A seemingly pleasant woman comes up to the counter and wants help accessing the razor blades, which are in cases where you have to press a button to have them dispensed. They get stuck all the time.)

Female Customer: “Could you come help me with the razor blades? The machine is stuck.”

Me: “I have to stay by the register now, but I will call my manager to come assist you. It may be a couple of minutes, ma’am, because he is currently coordinating a delivery.”

(I reach for the phone to page the manager when one of our regular customers approaches the counter.)

Regular Customer: “That happens all the time. I can try to help you fix it if you want; I’ve done it before”.

Female Customer: “Sure. I’m in a rush so I don’t want to wait for the manager.” *to me* “Miss, is that all right?”

(Since I know this regular customer well and he does know how to fix the machines, I tell her sure, put the phone down without paging the manager, and return to the checkout line. About 15 minutes later she storms up to the counter with a box of razor blades, no longer pleasant to say the least.)


Me: *completely taken aback* “I’m sorry, ma’am. I thought [Regular Customer] was helping you and you did not need the manager. I truly apologize for the misunderstanding.”


(She then opened the box of blades, threw them at me, and ran out of the store. I was actually quite frightened as one of the blades landed very near my eye. She later called to complain about me and try to get me fired. Luckily, my boss banned her from coming back.)

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