The Biggest Baby Here Isn’t The Toddler

, , , , | Right | May 26, 2021

Many years ago, when my now-grown, normally well-behaved children were small, one of them a toddler, we stopped at a small, family-oriented restaurant to eat; the name of the establishment even included the word “family” and the decor and ambiance were heavily child-themed. It was a weekday, between lunch and dinner rushes, and only one other table, on the far side of the room, was occupied, by a single, middle-aged man.

We’d been served our meals and were eating and quietly talking among ourselves. My toddler, to express his pleasure with his food, banged his spoon on the highchair tray a couple of times and laughed loudly, but he quickly settled back down to continue messily shoveling food into his mouth, babbling happily but not excessively noisily.

Suddenly, from across the room, there is a shout.

Customer: “Keep those d*** babies quiet; I came here to eat, not to watch a bunch of kids banging away, screaming, and throwing food!”

Not knowing how to react, I turned to look at the man having the fit as the waiter sprinted in his direction, just in time to see him knock his beverage over onto his plate then into his lap as he tried to catch it, also sending his plate flying off the table onto the floor and noisily shattering.

He then jumped up, slammed some bills onto the table, and bumped into the waiter, nearly knocking him off his feet as he stormed out the door shouting:

Customer: “F****** noisy, messy kids, keep the h***spawn at home where they belong!”

He practically sprinted toward a nearby hotel, flailing his arms and ranting, right by two other restaurants in the parking lot, neither of them particularly family-friendly.

Then, as the waiter apologized for the tantrum we’d witnessed and told the kids they’d done nothing wrong and were behaving better than many adults, I got to explain to my kids, per their inquiries, why a grown man could be so mean, make such a mess, and use “bad” words.

Here’s hoping he was just having a bad day and that wasn’t his usual demeanor!

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Louie The Heard

, , , , , | Right | May 20, 2021

My name is Louis. It’s pronounced “Louie,” but people get it wrong all the time. 

Customer #1: “Hello, Lewis. Do you have that package?”

Me: “Yes, I do, and it’s actually pronounced ‘Louie.’”

Customer #1: “Oh, like Anne Rice?”

Me: “Exactly.”

Customer #2: “Luis, where is my package?!”

Me: “As I told you, [Customer #2], we are still waiting for the company to ship it to us. And my name is pronounced ‘Louie.’”

Customer #2: *Turning bright red* “Your name is f****** Luis and you’re going to answer to it!”

Customer #1: “Cool it, d*****bag! He said he’s still waiting on it! He hasn’t got magical powers! And you call people what they want to be called! That’s how you show respect.”

[Customer #2] went a weird shade of magenta and reached across the counter and tries to grab at me, but [Customer #1] put him in a chokehold while I call my manager. My manager banned him from stepping foot inside the shop since he tried to assault me; now he has to call ahead and have any packages delivered to his car. He’s also banned from speaking to me. My manager asked if I wanted to press charges, but I decided that’s too much of a headache.

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If You Want The Energy Drink Have The Energy To Cooperate

, , , , , , | Right | May 14, 2021

Supermarkets in the UK aren’t allowed to sell energy drinks to under-sixteens. For sake of ease, the one I work for puts it under the challenge-twenty-five policy; if you look younger than twenty-five, you have to show ID. We can be fired if we don’t ask. I’m by the checkouts when there’s a loud commotion at self-serve, so I head on over just in case.

A boy who looks about sixteen is loudly swearing at my colleague on self-serve, gesturing wildly, whilst the girl he’s with, who looks eighteen or nineteen, is trying to calm him down. My colleague tells him to leave, and he does, but not before throwing what he was going to purchase on the floor and pushing over our social distancing signs, barriers, a tower of baskets, and some stock. The girl apologises profusely to my colleague and follows him out, looking mortified. I head in and help my colleague pick up stuff.

Me: “You okay? I can cover you if you need to have a break?”

Colleague: “I’m fine. I finish in a couple of minutes anyway.”

Me: “What an end to your shift. What even was his problem?”

Colleague: “Wanted to buy an energy drink. He looked young, so I asked for ID. He didn’t have any; he left his license at home. I told him I couldn’t sell him that, but I could hold onto his stuff whilst he picked a different drink to go with his meal deal. ‘I’m 21!! Raaarraarraar,’ effing this, effing that. Honestly.”

Me: “He was twenty-one?!”

Colleague: “I know, he looked like he was thirteen! And having the hormonal rage of a pubescent teenager isn’t going to make me think that you’re old enough to buy it!”

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Call… The… Police

, , , | Right | May 11, 2021

I’m working outside on the sidewalk in front of a well-known convenience store that has a car vacuum. A guy pulls up with his van and tries to use it, but it isn’t sucking well; I guess it has a clog. The guy proceeds to have a meltdown.

Customer: “F****** vacuum at f****** store won’t suck my car s***! I’ll burn the place up!”

He went on to loudly curse in strings I’d never heard before, and there were kids around looking owlishly. His girlfriend made admonishing noises, but he threatened to beat her and went on ranting. I was afraid that he was going to attack the nearest person, which was me, even though I don’t work for the store! They finally drove off, weaving erratically. I suppose I should’ve reported him to the cops but he didn’t have a plate.

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They Realized Too Plate

, , , , , | Legal | May 1, 2021

I am training a member of staff. A moody customer comes up to our counter.

Customer: *Loudly* “I want a large [meal]. And use only one plate! I am not carrying a bunch of crap!”

Trainee: *Quietly, to me* “Doesn’t [meal] come on three plates?”

Me: *Resigned* “Yes.”

I watch the trainee carefully stack each item onto the plate as demanded, attempting to keep the items separated. It clearly does not meet the customer’s standards.

Customer: *Yelling* “What the f***?! Can you see this slop?!”

Me: *Calmly* “A large [meal], on one dish as requested. What isn’t meeting your standards today?”

Customer: “Everything’s slopped together! When I eat, I expect my food not touching!”

Me: “You requested a single plate for our largest meal. Unfortunately, our plates are only—”

Customer: *Cutting me off* “Your d***ed employee should have used a larger plate! I am the customer, I am right! You will fix this!”

Trainee: “Sir! You can read. The menu says [meal] comes on three plates. You demanded one plate, so clearly you read the menu. What did you expect?”

After a beat, the customer throws the plate of steaming food at me before booming that he is going to “beat some sense” into my trainee. With the sudden threat, I quickly position myself between them.

Me: “He’s new. It doesn’t excuse what he said, and I’ll handle it. Clearly, you’re upset. Please come and see my supervisor. I’ll personally fill him in while you rest comfortably.”

I led my trainee to my boss’s office. I explained what happened while my boss helped me clean up and bandage the burns on my arms. I didn’t want to press charges, but I did want this customer banned. My boss said he would handle it and left us to wait in his office.

Some time passed and my boss returned to fill us in. The customer was still angry when my boss got there and demanded he be allowed to handle the trainee. My boss refused and looked for a solution that would allow this customer to go home and not to jail, but he kept refusing and eventually swung at him!

After my boss slammed him onto the ground, the customer called the police claiming assault. When the police arrived, everything was explained and the police asked if my boss wanted to press charges. He said no, but the customer was banned.

The police explained to the customer what “banned” meant. He didn’t take the news well and went for the cops. He was arrested and guaranteed three free meals a day. I hope he likes them better than ours.

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