Part of my job is consumer computer repairs and warranties. A customer’s laptop comes back from warranty repair for a faulty display panel within a week. This isn’t good enough for the customer.

Customer: “I still had to wait a whole week! You should give me a refund for the laptop!”

Me: “We didn’t charge you for the repair, so—”

Customer: “No, I want a 100% refund for the laptop! You should give me my money back on it!”

Me: “Do you want to return the laptop?”

Customer: “No, you still let me keep it.”

Me: “We can’t let you have the laptop for free, ma’am!”

Naturally, she starts to scream bloody murder, call me and the company quite colourful names, and demand a manager.

Manager: “Guess what, lady? When it comes to warranty cases, it goes: manufacturer, me, God, and then you. So, no.”

She totally loses her cool and starts to scream with her face beet red and bangs the desk with her fists, pulling a Muhammad Ali to her laptop on that very desk. After a delicious crunching noise from the laptop’s top cover, she abruptly stops with a deer-in-headlights expression on her face.

I open the display, and we can both clearly see that the display panel is completely busted.

Me: “Yeeeaah… I’m afraid that won’t be covered by the manufacturer’s warranty.”

A customer comes in with his laptop.

Customer: “It keeps shutting down because of heat, but it’s less than two weeks old!”

I agree to look at it. I push the hard drive release button because you have to release the hard drive on this particular model in order to open it up. When I pull the drive out, about a hundred tiny roaches scatter out.

The guy is standing right in front of me. I slide the drive back in and say:

Me: “Well, there’s your problem.”

The customer looks me dead in the eye.

Customer: “They must have been there when I bought it! I’m returning it.”

I politely tell him that we cannot do that. The customer becomes really agitated and calls over my general manager, who politely tells him the same thing.

The customer gets even angrier. He picks up the laptop and slams it as hard as he can on the counter, causing laptop parts to explode out all over the floor, and the roaches follow. People are now looking to see what’s going on. The guy demands his money back. My general manager looks at him with the most deadpan look and politely says:

General Manager: “Sir, I can’t return your laptop; it’s broken.”

The futility of the situation passed over the guy. He sighed, put his head down, and left.

People were looking at us for our next move. My general manager, being the amazing man he is, picked up a broom, swept up the laptop himself, and discarded it. He then bought me a soda.

CONTENT WARNING: Animal Abuse

A stray dog in our neighborhood had puppies about two months ago. She’s usually fed and cared for by the residents, and when the puppies were born, my next-door neighbor decided to keep them in her front yard. Several of us in the area took turns providing food for the puppers while we looked for good homes for them.

It’s understandable for children to want to see and play with puppies. Most of the kids in our neighborhood are well-behaved and only admired the pups from a distance — all except the spawn of the couple that lives across the street from me. Their kids are the definition of “Hellspawn”. They’re known to bully other kids, and their parents, instead of reprimanding them, actually defended their s***ty behavior. One time, they actually made the victim of their kids’ bullying apologize.

[Neighbor], who sheltered the puppies, was dreading having to deal with that family. Our fears were realized when, one day, some of the pups were playing right in front of the front gate of [Neighbor]’s home. One of the Hellspawn saw them and came running. He rang the doorbell.

Hellspawn: “Let me in! I want to play with the puppies!”

The poor lady really didn’t want to subject the puppies to their roughhousing.

Neighbor: “They’re still too little. I’ll let you play with them only if you get your parents and promise to be gentle.”

The kid soon returned with his mom and his sister.

Mom: “I demand that my kids be allowed to play with the pups! It’s unfair that other kids get to interact with them and mine don’t!”

Neighbor: “Please explain to your kids that puppies are delicate.”

Mom: *Brushing her off* “Don’t worry about it.”

The kids entered, and things turned ugly really quickly. The kids grabbed the puppies roughly and made loud noises at them.

Neighbor: “Please take it easy with the puppies, kids.”

They just ignored her.

Her tipping point came when the boy grabbed one of the pups by the ear and the poor thing yelped. (She later told me that all this happened within about a minute of the kids arriving.) She finally asked them to leave.

Neighbor: *To the mom* “This is why your kids aren’t invited to play with the puppies.”

The mom flew into a rage and started yelling about how her kids were being bullied. Her screaming was heard by the other residents, including me, and we came out of our homes and collectively told her to get her kids away from the pups. As she was now outnumbered, she decided to retreat.

It still boggles my mind that entitled parents think it’s okay for their kids to bully small animals, and that they actually get offended when called out for it.

But don’t worry. This happened nearly a month ago, and it was the last time those brats got near the pups. All five of the puppies have gone to good homes.

I think it’s a stupid idea for a build-your-own-sandwich store to have a drive-thru, but I digress.

Customer: “A Spicy Italian with double meat, and every veggie, along with Italian dressing. A lot of it.”

He makes it very clear he wants a lot of the dressing. A lot.

I make the sub, and as hard as it is to close a double-meat-and-every-veggie sub already, I have Italian dressing POURING from the sub. I think to myself, “No big deal; it’s what the customer wants,” and cut it, wrap it, and bag it.

I start walking to the window. The guy has already paid, but he knocks on the window and asks for a large drink. Of course, I say that’s no problem. I regret getting him the drink.

He pays for it, and I hand everything to him.

Me: “Have a good night, sir.”

I close the window and walk back, but I hear a knock on the window. I open it, and he throws the drink at me!

Customer: “Where the f*** are my jalapeños, you fat-a** b****?!”

I am overweight by about fifty pounds. I struggle with it every day and am making steps to get slimmer. But back to the story. Apparently, I forgot to give this guy his jalapeños. He parks his truck, comes into the store, and threatens me.

Customer: “You f*** me over and I’m gonna burn you alive!”

He was a muscular and big dude who looked like he was on roids. You bet I called the cops. Our camera got his license plate, and the cops found him and arrested him. We haven’t seen him since.

An old lady comes into the store to buy an umbrella.

Customer: “Is this an automatic umbrella?”

Me: “What do you mean by ‘automatic’?”

Customer: “When it opens up when you press a button?”

Me: “Oh. Yes, it is.”

Customer: “What kind of batteries go in it?”

Me: “It doesn’t take batteries.”

With that, she HITS ME IN THE FACE with the umbrella!

Customer: “DON’T LIE TO ME, BOY! I’LL CALL THE MANAGER!”

I end up calling the manager and he tells her the same thing.

Customer: “Obviously, this store has caved to the Russians. You pigs have a nice day.”

And she walked away, leaving us wondering what had just happened.