What Was In That Happy Meal?

, , , , | Right | January 2, 2018

(I worked doing door-to-door sales on commission for an animal shelter. I’m doing really well this particular day, in a very rich neighbourhood, and I come to one of the biggest houses I’ve ever seen. I ring the bell and a lady wearing a bright green dress and eating fries out of a Happy Meal answers with a big smile on her face.)

Me: “Hi, my name is [My Name] and I’m selling a few bits and bobs to raise money for [Animal Shelter].”

Lady: “What animals are in the shelter?”

Me: “Mainly dogs, but there are also cats and donkeys.”

Lady: *raising her voice incredibly loudly* “Dogs! Filthy, disgusting , horrible animals! How dare you ask me to support f****** dogs?! They should all be thrown into a fire, cooked, and eaten! Or better, eaten alive!” *proceeds to spit at my feet then slams the door in my face*

Me: *walking away* “Holy jaysus…”

Isn’t Able To See The Situation Clearly

, , , , | Right | December 31, 2017

(On this New Year’s Eve, not only are we incredibly short staffed, due to a sickness bug that led all of the senior staff to call out sick, but both of our directors and our manager are away at a regional meeting. Because of this, I am running our in-store call centre — that is usually staffed by a team of three — all on my own.)

Me: “Good morning, [Organisation]. [My Name] speaking. How can I help?”

Customer: “I need to order some contact lenses, and I need them for a party tonight.”

(I take the patient’s details, needing to check her prescription and if she is in date, but she has never had contact lenses with us before, only a sight test over eight years ago.)

Me: “Ma’am, have you had contact lenses from somewhere else? If I can get a copy of the prescription we can see if we have them in stock.”j

Customer: “No, I’ve never had lenses anywhere else! You’re obviously an idiot if you can’t find it. This happened last time as well, and they just gave me lenses.”

Me: “Ma’am, you’ve never had lenses from this store. There is no record at all of you having had any. Are you sure you haven’t been to another opticians?”

Customer: “You stupid f***! I want to speak to your supervisor!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t have any supervisors in today.”

Customer: “I want a manager, then.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but there are no managers in either.”

Customer: “Well, then, give me the owner!”

Me: “Neither of the store directors are in today I’m afraid. If you want to speak to anybody more senior than myself, there should be a manager in four days time.”

Customer: “Then who the f*** is running the store?!” *hangs up*

(Just as I take a deep breath, glad I don’t have to speak to someone so rude, the phone rings again.)

Customer: “I need to order some contact lenses, and I need them for a party tonight. The stupid woman I spoke to before was so rude to me. She swore at me so I want them for free.”

Me: “Ma’am, it was me you just spoke to.”

Customer: *hangs up*

(After the fourth time she tried this, I wrote down her phone number and ignored the rest of her calls. She never bothered calling back on Monday for a manager!)

His Handicap Is A Lack Of Decency

, , , , , , | Right | December 29, 2017

(We share a parking lot with a restaurant with a lot of regulars. One has decided to be the self-appointed handicap spot judge. He will sit at the outside tables yelling whenever he thinks someone is parking in them inappropriately. We have received a ton of complaints about him, but mall security hasn’t caught him in the act yet, so he is still allowed on the premises. I’m grabbing lunch from the restaurant and see him outside, so I text security to come and keep an eye on him. Not long afterwards a car pulls into a handicap spot displaying proper tags. A young woman gets out of the driver’s seat.)

Regular: “Hey! What the f*** is your handicap? That you need a latte? B****! I’m talking to you! You can walk just fine! You’re taking that spot from someone who needs it! Let me guess: you got that tag on your knees in front of the doctor! Hey! Don’t ignore me!”

(The woman has completely ignored the rant, heading to the back of the car and pulling something out of the trunk. I’ve gotten video of the regular and texted it to security, who says he is on his way ASAP. By this point I’ve realized what the woman is getting out of the trunk: a walker. Next, she opens the back passenger door and helps out a small, extremely elderly woman. The regular hasn’t stopped his insults. The second the elderly woman gets her hands on the walker, she starts towards the regular. She stops in front of him, pulls off her hat, and starts to hit him over the head with it, furious.)

Elderly Woman: “You don’t call my granddaughter a b****! What is wrong with you?! Who raised you?!”

(The regular reels back, shocked, and security walks up to see the vengeful grandmother’s anger.)

Regular: “Make her stop!”

Security: “Ma’am, please stop. Sir, you’re officially banned from mall property for harassing other customers.”

Regular: “Harassing?! They’re the ones cheating the system. She—” *gesturing at the granddaughter* “—doesn’t need a handicap spot.”

Security: “No, but she—” *gesturing to the grandmother, who has sat down, exhausted from her exertion* “—probably does. Anyway, it’s none of your business. Ma’am, are you all right?”

Grandmother: “I’m 92 years old, and it’s been too long since I put an a**hole in his place. I’m fine!”

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Expects Everything But The Kitchen Sink

, , , , , | Right | December 15, 2017

(A customer custom-orders a large amount — over $1000 worth — of solid brass hardware for kitchen cupboards from one of our vendor’s catalogues. A week later, she returns it and custom-orders another large amount of kitchen hardware. This, too, she returns a week later. She tries to place a third custom order.)

Me: “I should let you know in advance, ma’am, that we are no longer allowed to return special orders placed from here on out.” *I point to the policy which is on the counter*

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Our vendors will not accept returns on opened items.” *I gesture to a box with her two previous returns in it* “We are stuck with merchandise that’s difficult to move, and it’s a major financial burden on a store our size. Why don’t we order one pull for you to see and decide if you like it?”

Customer: “I won’t know if I like the look until I’ve had them all installed in my kitchen for a few days! This is unbelievable! This is why small businesses are going out of business. No customer service!”

(At this point, she hurls one of the cabinet knobs at me, knocking down a display.)

Me: “Actually, ma’am, we are only going out of business because we deal with unreasonable expectations from customers. You have five seconds to get out of the shop before I call police.”

We Do Not Cover Crazy Girlfriends

, , , , , , | Romantic | December 12, 2017

(I answer the phone in our office as part of my daily duties. Every once in a while, we get a call in this vein:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Office], a part of [Company]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I need to know who you think you are, b****!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO GET WITH MY MAN?!”

Me: “I’m sorry. You might have a wrong number. This is an [Office] agency. We sell and administer insurance products from [Company].”

Caller: “Oh, don’t give me that s***. You’re trying to mess with my man. This number comes up on his call list every day for a week. Sometimes more than once! Who are you, and what are you doing with my man?”

Me: “Well, does he have one of our products? Perhaps we’re working with him regarding his coverage.”

Caller: “No! I know you’re just trying to steal my man! And if you call him again, I will find you!”

Me: “We are located on [Street]. Look for the [Company] sign that says [Office]. We sell coverage for homes and vehicles, as well as life and financial products.”

Caller: *hangs up*

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