Pants-Fulfilling Prophecy

, , | Right | September 7, 2009

(A coworker of mine is looking through racks of clothes, trying to find where a shirt goes. A customer and her friend approach her as she’s doing this.)

Customer: “Why the h*** are you following us?”

Coworker: “Um… sorry?”

Customer: “You don’t have to follow us around the whole store. I’m not going to steal some cheap $5 shirt.”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m just trying to figure out where this shirt goes.”

Customer: “Shouldn’t you know where it goes? You do work here!”

Coworker: “Sorry, ma’am, they change the layout every few days.”

Customer: “I should sue you for discrimination!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, if I thought you were going to steal from us, the manager would be following you, not me.”

Customer: “Whatever! We’re leaving!”

(As the customer turns away, my coworker notices a tag sticking out from the pants of the woman who was with the angry customer.)

Coworker: “Tell your friend that she can pay for that shirt she’s trying to steal at the front of the store.”

Customer’s Friend: “S**t!”

(The customer and her friend both bolted from the store, dropping the shirt in the process.)

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Butthead, The Incontinence Years

, , , | Right | July 23, 2009

(I notice a customer is standing in front of a freezer. After remaining there for several minutes, I get concerned.)

Me: “Sir, can I help you?”

(At this point, I notice that he’s urinated in the freezer. The customer turns around, zips up his fly, and then pulls his shirt over his head.)

Customer: “I AM CORNHOLIO! I NEED TP FOR ME BUNGHOLE!” *runs away*

Coworker: “They don’t pay us enough for this.”

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Great Game Until The Tornado Stole Home

, , , | Right | July 16, 2009

Customer: *on the phone and angry* “HOW DARE YOU RUN AN EMERGENCY ALERT DURING THE RED SOX GAME?! BASES LOADED!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry for the inconvenience. We have no control over the emergency alerts.”

Customer: “CAN’T THEY DO IT AT NIGHT?! I’M TRYING TO WATCH THE GAME! BASES ARE LOADED!”

Me: “Again, ma’am, unfortunately, the emergency alert will broadcast during an emergency situation; we have no control over when that will happen.

Customer: “WELL, YOU BETTER GET SOME CONTROL OVER IT!” *click*

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That’s One Heckuva Mega-Bite

, , , | Right | June 18, 2009

Me: “So you want to return the game, then, right?”

Customer: “Yeah, and I wanna make sure I’m covered by the warranty.”

Me: “You should be, as you purchased the game within 90 days.”

Customer: “Okay, but let’s say that there are bite marks on the CD. Would the warranty still cover that?”

Me: “I’m sorry… what?”

Customer: “I may have become a little upset when I couldn’t install the game and I might have chewed on the disc a bit…”

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Chernobyl Over Ciabatta

, , | Right | June 18, 2009

(A woman comes to my coworkers drawer and orders a loaf of ciabatta bread. Coworker rings it up and hands it to her.)

Customer: “This isn’t a loaf of ciabatta.”

Coworker: “Yes, ma’am, that’s our ciabatta.”

Customer: “No, this is NOT ciabatta! You don’t know what you’re talking about! I know a loaf of ciabatta when I see one!”

Me: “Is there a problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yes! I ordered a loaf of ciabatta, and this is not a loaf of ciabatta!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, that is a loaf. See, here… It says ‘Ciabatta loaf’.”

Customer: “No, this is ridiculous! This is not a loaf of ciabatta!”

(At this point, the customer is hysterical, near tears, and waving the bread wildly.)

Me: “Let me get you a manager to speak to…” *gets the manager*

Manager: “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “I ordered a ciabatta loaf and these kids are trying to sell me THIS!”

Manager: “That is our loaf of ciabatta. When is the last time you visited our store?”

Customer: “About a year ago.”

Manager: “Ah, that’s why. We changed the size of our loaf about six months ago.”

Customer: “Thank you! Now why couldn’t you tell me that?!” *points at me*

Manager: “She’s only been here two months. She wouldn’t have known.”

Customer: “PATHETIC!” *pays for bread and storms out*

Next Customer: *shocked look* “Wow.”

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