(A guest is checking in.)
Guest: “And would it be okay if I bring a prostitute to the room later?”
Me: *startled* “Uh. Well. I guess if no other guests are in any way disturbed or affected.”
Guest: “Well, that’s terrific. She’ll be coming by at about 8:30 pm. But if she looks ugly, just send her back without giving her my room number.”
(I am checking out a customer.)
Customer #1: “No, no, no! I want the fruit in a separate bag.”
Me: “No problem. I was just going to do that anyway.”
Customer #1: “No, I want them separate. They’ll get squashed.”
Me: “So, separate from each other?”
Customer #1: “Yes, of course! Or they’ll get bruised.”
(By this point, the customer has been rude enough. I put each piece of fruit in its own individual bag while he pays. When he has rushed off, both I and the next customer notice he has left three of the four bags of fruit behind.)
Me: “Sorry, just be a second.”
(I run to a coworker not on register.)
Me: *to coworker* “The previous customer left these behind. He’s wearing a red cap and a black t-shirt, heading out the exit by the bank.”
Coworker: “On it!” *dashes off*
Customer #2: “After all that fuss, and he forgot about it!”
Me: “The sad thing is, I’d put money on it somehow being my fault.”
Customer #2: “No, surely not?! It was sitting on the bench, plain as day.”
Me: “You’d be surprised, really. Most people are rational, but in this job you really do get to see all types. Some people just can’t take responsibility for their own actions, and we’re easy targets for blame.”
Customer #2: “That’s sad, but you’ve got me as a witness!” *smiles*
(The first customer storms back to my register.)
Customer #1: “You stole my shopping! Where is it? You kept it to make me look like a fool!”
Me: “It’s okay. It’s right here.”
(I hand over the bags, smiling.)
Customer #1: “Where were they? You hid them behind the register?”
Customer #2: “No, they were right there on the bench with the rest of your shopping.”
Customer #1: “Oh. I thought you’d forgotten to pick them up from back there.”
Customer #2: “They sent someone after you, too.”
Me: “It’s fine. It looks like you were in a rush. Have a good day!”
(The first customer scurries off grumbling and clutching his bags.)
Customer #2: “I thought you were just kidding! I had no idea people could be so stupid! And so very rude to you for his own mistake! I’d never blame any of you for something like that.”
Me: “I know. That’s what makes you one of the good ones!”
This story is part of our Crazy Checkout Encounters roundup!
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(A customer walks in with a pair of glasses.)
Me: “Hi. How can I help you today, sir?”
Customer: “Do you mind pushing the lenses out of this frame for me? My wife wants just the frame for her lab work. She would like to use them as safety glasses.”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir. The frame would be useless if I pushed the lenses out.”
Customer: “No. She’s going to use them as safety glasses in the lab.”
Me: “Are you sure, sir? It wouldn’t meet the standard of safety glasses if it doesn’t have any lenses.”
Customer: “Yes! I’m 100% sure that they will work as safety glasses without any lenses.”
(I remove the lenses for him.)
Me: “Okay. If something was going to fling into her face, what would protect her eyes?”
Customer: “These safety glasses!”
(I’m serving a family at the box office. The wife keeps looking nervously at the ‘Vampires Suck’ poster we have on display.)
Me: “You’ll be in Cinema six for Tomorrow. Enjoy your movie, guys!”
Wife: “Excuse me, I just have one question.”
Me: “Yes?”
Wife: *leans in close* “Are people actually watching Vampires Suck?”
Me: “Yes, it’s very popular with young teenagers and has sold out a few times.”
Wife: “But… but… it’s insulting Twilight!”
Me: “I know; I saw it, too.”
(The husband quickly grabbed his wife by the arm before she could say anything else.)
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Me: “Hi, your order comes to [total].”
Customer: “Is it okay if I pay on my credit card even though it’s under $10?”
Me: “Sure. May I please have your card?”
Customer: “Oh, do I actually have to swipe it? Your machines inside don’t need swiping. I just wave my card in my purse and it works.”
Me: “None of our machines do that, sorry.”
Customer: “I just hold up my purse and wave it around and it works!” *she begins waving purse, at least half a metre from the Eftpos machine*
Me: “No, ma’am. It won’t, I’m afraid.”
Customer: “Oh, all right; here’s my card. You really should fix your machines, you know!”
This story is part of the Worryingly Weird Checkout Encounters roundup!
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