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He Tried His Breast

, , , | Right | November 16, 2018

(I work at a deli that also serves hot food during the day. We have a hot case with various pieces of chicken and potatoes to make combo meals from. It’s the very end of the day and we’ve run out of breasts to make the combos with, so it’s by-piece or bust. It should be noted we have a discounted eight-piece meal that’s incredibly popular at the moment, so it’s a quick grab for most. It features two of each piece: breasts, thighs, wings, and legs. A customer walks up about twenty minutes to close, an older gentleman with frazzled hair looking a bit… out of it.)

Customer: *looking over the meals* “I want some chicken.”

Me: “Can do, but fair warning that we’ve run out of breasts, so I can’t make you any combos. Can’t substitute for ’em.”

Customer: *seeming a bit out of it* “That eight-piece chicken.”

Me: “Sorry. No more breasts for the night; can’t do any combos.”

Customer: “That eight-piece chicken.”

Me: “No breasts? Single pieces are all we have.”

Customer: *quietly, with a tinge of annoyance* “I want an eight-piece chicken!”

Me: *sighing internally, trying a different tactic* “I can give you thighs and other pieces, but no breasts—” *gesturing to the case FULL of the other pieces* “—perhaps a few of those?”

(At this point, the customer stares off into space, as if this decision would blow up a sun somewhere in the universe. He pauses for a minute.)

Customer: “Oh. Uh.” *stares* “Chicken?”

Me: “I, um… How about I just grab you a few of each and make you a box?”

Customer: *hazy* “Chicken?”

(I just nodded and made him a box. He ended up requesting five of everything, something close to nearly $25 of chicken. I handed it over, and he happily tottered off to the checkout. Enjoy the chicken, eight-piece dude.)

Clearing Out Your Clearance Scam

, , , , | Right | November 14, 2018

(I am a cashier. Our clearance items have red barcode stickers that go over our store’s regular barcode stickers. We get a lot of people that try to switch the tickets around, so we always have to check to make sure that the item numbers match on both of the stickers. I get a customer who brings a bunch of clearance items to my register. Upon examination, nearly all of them have clearance tickets that don’t go with the item, and it’s obvious that most of them have been tampered with. Normally, if a customer comes up with tickets that don’t match on an item, it’s only one, maybe two items per order. This woman has about ten items with clearance stickers that don’t go with the items. I call over my coworker who works in the department the customer got her items from, and we begin to look up the items in our system to see if they are on clearance and just have the wrong ticket, or are not on clearance at all. Most of the items are not on clearance. The customer becomes furious when we tell her this, saying that we “should just give her the items for the price she found them at.” It is blatantly obvious that she switched the tickets around to get herself a better deal, not knowing that we must look at the clearance tickets and remove them if they don’t match. Finally, the customer leaves the store, leaving behind most of the “clearance” items that she brought up with her. Once she is gone, I turn to the coworker who was helping me.)

Me: “[Coworker], I’m pretty sure she switched most of the tickets herself.”

Coworker: “Oh, I don’t doubt it. And if today had been my last day, I would have let her know that, too.”

So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish

, , , , | Right | November 10, 2018

(I am having a rather large yard sale and am running around setting stuff up and trying to answer questions. An older woman flags me down, who is looking at a small “as-seen-on-TV,” easy-clean fish tank.)

Woman: “Hey, excuse me!”

Me: “Yes, how can I help you?”

Woman: “Does this tank include the fish?”

(I look down at the completely waterless fish tank sitting on the table with the few parts for it inside.)

Me: “Uh… no, but all the parts are there.”

Woman: “Okay, thanks… I was going to get it for my grandson, but it’s useless without the fish.”

(I had no problem selling it, even though the fish were not included.)

This Solution Is All Mouth, No Action

, , , , , | Right | October 23, 2018

(I work in a call center that handles computer problems for a government agency, their contractors, and their business partners.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Help Desk]. This is [My Name]. How may I assist you?”

(The customer describes the issue, which involves needing to remote in to the computer to see what’s going on exactly. I get the information required and remote in.)

Customer: “It’s not doing it now. I’ve been seeing this issue over and over, and now that you’ve logged in, it’s gone away. What happened?”

(Having seen no issue, I use a figure of speech common to computer techs while half-chuckling.)

Me: “Eh, you probably just weren’t holding your mouth the right way.”

Customer: *pause, then surprise* “Can that really affect it?”

Me: “No, ma’am, it’s a figure of speech meaning that sometimes issues arise, and correct themselves for no obvious reason.”

Customer: “Oh…”

She Uses The Googly

, , , , | Right | October 23, 2018

(I work in a call center that handles computer problems for a government agency, their contractors, and their business partners. This story is from my supervisor.)

Supervisor: “Thank you for calling [Help Desk]. This is [Supervisor]. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “I’m having a terrible issue with my computer. Whenever I go to ‘googly’ and search for anything, all these nasty images come up of naked people.”

Supervisor: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Let me make sure I understand. Whenever you go to Google and search for a term, you receive p*rnographic results?”

Customer: “Yes, sir. Every time I go to that ‘googly’ site I get all these nasty pictures of [male and female genitalia]. Now, I’m a good, Christian woman and I don’t need to be seeing all that stuff!”

(My supervisor is stunned, as this is a government computer and all such items should be caught by the filters. The supervisor decides to remote in, verify the issue, and run a virus scan.)

Supervisor: “Okay, ma’am, please show me exactly what it is that’s happening.”

Customer: *opens a browser* “Like I said, every time I go to ‘googly,’ I get all these nasty results.”

(The customer then went to “googly,” not Google, which turned out to be an “adult-themed search engine.” The supervisor corrected the customer by directing her to Google, instead, and verified there were no further issues.)