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Hats Off To Idiocy

, , , | Right | January 18, 2013

(It is New Year’s day/night. I am working the graveyard shift and I have a pair of friends at the store keeping me company. A customer comes in and is casually walking the aisles. My friends and I continue talking, but I keep an eye on him. The customer heads for the door without buying anything, but I notice a hat rack hanging from the ceiling, swinging wildly.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir?”

(The customer stops by the door, holding his jacket closed.)

Customer: “Yeah?”

Me: “I’m really sorry, and I’m sure I’m mistaken, but would you mind opening your jacket?”

Customer: “Why do you want me to do that?”

Me: “Again, I’m sure I’m mistaken, and I do apologize, but I need to make sure you didn’t forget to pay for a hat.”

Customer: “How dare you accuse me of stealing! I don’t have to do what you say!”

Me: “Sir, if you don’t I’ll have to—”

(At this point, the customer darts out the door. I know we’re not supposed to, but I am angry that this guy would steal from me. I hop the counter and start running for the door. The customer sees me and takes off running. I chase him across the parking lot and start across the street after him when my better judgement kicks in. I go back inside, but am surprised to see my friends laughing really hard.)

Me: “What’s so funny?!”

One Of My Friends: “Dude! His car is right there! Parked outside!”

(I call the police, who arrive and check his trunk. The customer had had a busy night, and had stolen from a few other stores. A cop is taking my statement when we see a woman get in the customer’s car and start it up.)

Cop: *to the woman* “What are you doing?”

Woman: “Oh… my husband is drunk and forgot that he had driven the car to the store. I’m just picking it up.”

(Sensing an opportunity, the cop slyly smiles at me, before continuing to speak to the woman.)

Cop: “Okay, go ahead…”

(The woman got in the car and drove off, unwittingly leading the cop to her home. I testified in court a few weeks later.)


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No ID, No Idea, Part 7

, , , , | Right | April 30, 2011

(A young man and two young women approach the lane with several bottles of wine. They are carded. The man is old enough to buy, but the girls aren’t.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t sell to you.”

Customer: “Why not? I’m over 21!”

Me: “But they’re not.”

Customer: “They’re not the ones buying. I am!”

Me: “Then why did you bring them in with you?”

Customer: “Because I didn’t know what kind they liked.”


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Fritzl Be One Of Those Days

, , , , | Right | February 12, 2011

Me: “Hello, sir, welcome to [Fast Food Place]. What would you like today?”

Customer: *stares wide-eyed for a few moments* “Well, aren’t you the most adorable creature I have ever seen!”

Me: “Thank you, sir. Can I interest you in our special today?”

Customer: “I could just steal you and take you home in my wallet to live in my basement! My wife doesn’t like the basement, but it can be quite homey!”

Me: “That’s nice, sir.”

Customer: “Hurry! Into my wallet before anyone else decides to steal you!”


This story is part of our Need For Hazard Pay roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

15 Times Employees Were Pushed So Far They Had To Quit!

 

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Peppering The Truth With Lies

, , , | Right | August 16, 2010

Customer: “Can I get a peppermint tea, please?”

Me: “Okay, what size of mint tea would you like?”

Customer: “I want a large and I want a peppermint tea. Not a mint tea.”

Me: “They are both the same thing.”

Customer: “No, they aren’t! Peppermint tea has pepper in it!”


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911 Grab Bag: Define “Emergency”

, , , | Right | November 12, 2007

(The following quotes are from various phone calls made to a West Virginia 911 line.)

1. “What are the Daily Pick Four lottery numbers?”

2. “My TV is out.”

3. “How much snow/rain are we supposed to get?”

4. “Is it illegal to tape a cat to a bottle rocket?”

5. “I want to report a fraud. The government is lying to us all.”

6. “How high are gas prices going to get?”

7. “Why am I getting Error Message #781 on my computer screen?”

8. “I have never roasted a turkey before and my in-laws will be here in an hour.”

9. “I am reading this recipe. What is fennel?”

10. “I am doing my homework. What is the square root of 435?”

11. “Are crabs in season?”

12. “I wanna talk to a cop about my child support, if you can drag one away from the donut shop.”

13. “I just wanted to make sure you were all awake.”


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