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A Summary Four You

, , , , | Related | March 4, 2018

(I’ve just picked my four-year-old son up from preschool and he’s doing what he usually does when I get him: telling me whatever random thoughts cross his mind.)

Son: “I eat, I play, I go potty, and I rest. That’s four! Four things.”

Me: “I have to admit; that’s a fair summary of your day.”

Chuck A Toupee On A Whale And Call Him President

, , , , | Friendly | February 25, 2018

(We’re electing the president of our theater-based teen group. Members are writing their votes on papers and dropping them in the advisor’s hat. As one girl drops her vote in:)

Advisor: “You’re voting for a whale?”

Girl #1: “No! The person I’m voting for is on the other side. I just drew a whale on the other side because… I was bored.”

Me: “I mean, I’d vote for a whale for president.”

Girl #2: “Yeah, a whale would be a fantastic president. We could even promote our group that way. ‘Funds go to support the whales!’”

Me: “The only question is: what kind of whale? Beluga or humpback?”

Girl #2: “Beluga. Obviously. Geez, a humpback whale as president? What were you thinking?”

Me: “Good point. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

(The whale didn’t win.)

Really Feline This Motherhood Thing

, , , , | Related | February 21, 2018

(I’m sitting across the dining room table from my mom. She is attempting to read the coupons page of a newspaper, laid out across the table in front of her, when our cat comes over and lays down on it. After a few moments:)

Mom: “Pet him. Try to get him to come over to you.”

(I reach over and pet him. He flinches. I start tapping on the table in front of me, trying to attract him.)

Me: “Come here, [Cat].”

(He doesn’t move or even look at me. After doing this for a little bit, I reach over and grab another page of the newspaper and lay it out in front me, then start tapping it.)

Me: “Look: you can lay here.”

(He still doesn’t move or even look at me.)

Mom: “Open it. Pretend to read it.”

(I do. Less than five seconds later, he stands up and walks over to lay down on my newspaper.)

Me: “That should not have worked.” *to the cat* “You are spoiled, you know that?”

Mom: “I think I’ve proven my skill as a mom.”

Warning: This Will Be Adorable

, , , , | Related | February 15, 2018

(My four-year-old son comes up to me with a fast food toy still in its sealed baggie.)

Son: “Need scissors, Daddy! Need scissors! Open this!”

Me: “Give it here.”

Son: “No, I open it. Need scissors!”

Me: “You’re not getting scissors. If you want it open, I’m opening it.”

Son: *pause* “Okay, here you go.” *hands it over*

(I go to pull it open and he stops me.)

Son: “You be careful, Daddy!” *points at the “Warning: Choking hazard” label on the back* “It say warning, so you be careful with that!”

The Bank Wants Your Money And Your Blood

, , , , , | Healthy | February 12, 2018

I work as a bank teller. One morning a customer walks in, and I notice that he is both extremely pale and has a rasping cough as he approaches me to make a withdrawal. Just as I grab his money and begin to count it out in front of him, to my horror, he suddenly turns his head to the side, coughs violently, then begins to vomit a large amount of blood.

My coworkers quickly move to get the customer a chair to sit in as I call 911. During the commotion, an apparent acquaintance of the customer rushes in and helps hold him upright to walk him to the chair

Less than five minutes later, an ambulance arrives and takes the customer away. We learn the acquaintance is actually the customer’s neighbor. The customer had been feeling very unwell the last few days, and the neighbor had agreed to take him to the hospital, but he wanted to stop at the bank first to make sure he had some cash on hand if necessary. We block off my teller station and call in professional cleaners to come and clean up the potentially hazardous blood.

A few months later, I am working at my usual station again when I call for the next in line and suddenly realize I am talking to this same customer. I almost don’t recognize him, as he has much more color to his face and appears to have put on some necessary weight. He also recognizes me, and apologizes again for the incident. It turns out the pain he was experiencing was from his appendix, which actually ruptured as I was waiting on him. He says that the doctors have now given him a clean bill of health, and then he leaves, after jumping up and down a few times to show how much his health has improved.