(I’m working at my uncle’s restaurant for a few weeks over the summer. Being new to the job, I’m mostly doing dishes. As I’m washing dishes, one of my coworker brings in a tray of more dishes. As she leaves, I say:)

Me: *pumping fist in the air* “JOB SECURITY!”

(After that, whenever someone brought in more dishes, we’d both laugh and say, “Job security!”)

(I am working as a waitress at a restaurant when a woman comes in. My boss pulls me to the side and tells me that if I help the woman, to write down everything that she wants as she is a notoriously picky eater. I take the woman’s drink order and begin clearing off the table next to her while I wait for her to decide what she’d like to eat. As I am cleaning, she looks over at me.)

Customer: “Is your last name Hitchcock?”

Me: *confused* “No, ma’am, my last name is [My Last Name].”

(The customer then proceeds to tell me in detail how I look exactly like Alfred Hitchcock’s daughter, from the shape of my face to the way I smile. I nod and play along, but am trying so hard not to laugh that it hurts. Every time I go near her table, the woman marvels that I look just like Alfred Hitchcock’s daughter. When she’s getting ready to leave, the customer comes up to me.)

Customer: “You know, you should really submit your picture to [some organization that apparently takes pictures of people who look like celebrities]. Just make sure that the picture shows from here to here–” *she gestures from the top of my head to about my navel* “–and shows the contours of your arms. Oh, and make sure to take one with your glasses and without your glasses.”

(I assured her that I would, though I had absolutely no intention of doing so. Satisfied, the woman finally left. Later, I looked up a picture of Pat Hitchcock. I look absolutely nothing like her.)

(I’m training a new cashier when one of my coworkers, who has the day off, comes to check out. I don’t particularly like this coworker since she has an attitude and is as dumb as a box of rocks. This interaction just proves it.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker].”

Coworker: “Hey. I’m getting this plastic pool. I can’t believe [Boss] marked it down so low.”

Me: “She probably wanted to get rid of it.”

Coworker: “Well, it worked. What’s in this, anyway? Do I have to get a pump and stuff?”

(It’s clearly marked on the box with a huge picture of the pump.)

Me: “It’s got the pump. All you’ll really need to get is the chlorine and water testers.”

Coworker: “Oh, if it gets algae in it, I’ll just dump bleach in it.”

(I stare a moment before telling her that’s a bad idea.)

Coworker: “Why?”

Me: “Your skin will slough off.”

(She paid and walked away, a look of confusion on her face. I don’t think the message got through, and with ideas like that, I wonder how she’s still alive.)

Customer: “I’m trying to find a book about the University.”

Me: “You’ve come to the right place. Let me show you our local interest section.”

(I do so, and the customer looks for the book they want.)

Customer: “I don’t see it.”

Me: “Well, maybe we can special order a copy. Do you know the book’s title?”

Customer: “No, but it’s green.”

Me: “That’s one of our school colors.”

Customer: “Well, it’s about this big.” *motions with his hands*

Me: “Um… I’m going to talk to my manager.”

(I walk into the back of the room. My manager is talking to a semi-retired teacher in his sixties.)

Me: “I have a customer that’s looking for a book, and he only knows that it’s green and about this big.” *motions with hands*

Senior Employee: “Oh, he means that book.”

Me & Manager: “Huh?!”

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(I am working a call center for a government agency. These are federal employees whose wages are a matter of public information. The caller in question makes $90k+ a year.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Call Center]. This is [My Name]; how may I assist you?”

Caller: “I need a password for [system], please.”

Me: “Of course! I just need you to verify your security code.”

(The caller verifies and I reset the password.)

Me: “Okay, your password is Vacation, zero, one, exclamation point, with a capital V on ‘vacation.’” *Vacation01!*

Caller: “Exclamation point? What’s that?”

Me: *pause* “On your keyboard that would be Shift-1.”

Caller: “OH! You mean the line with the dot under it!”

Me: *another pause* “Yes, sir.”

(I completed the call with a headache at the thought that these are our tax dollars hard at work.)