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This Solution Is All Mouth, No Action

, , , , , | Right | October 23, 2018

(I work in a call center that handles computer problems for a government agency, their contractors, and their business partners.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Help Desk]. This is [My Name]. How may I assist you?”

(The customer describes the issue, which involves needing to remote in to the computer to see what’s going on exactly. I get the information required and remote in.)

Customer: “It’s not doing it now. I’ve been seeing this issue over and over, and now that you’ve logged in, it’s gone away. What happened?”

(Having seen no issue, I use a figure of speech common to computer techs while half-chuckling.)

Me: “Eh, you probably just weren’t holding your mouth the right way.”

Customer: *pause, then surprise* “Can that really affect it?”

Me: “No, ma’am, it’s a figure of speech meaning that sometimes issues arise, and correct themselves for no obvious reason.”

Customer: “Oh…”

She Uses The Googly

, , , , | Right | October 23, 2018

(I work in a call center that handles computer problems for a government agency, their contractors, and their business partners. This story is from my supervisor.)

Supervisor: “Thank you for calling [Help Desk]. This is [Supervisor]. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “I’m having a terrible issue with my computer. Whenever I go to ‘googly’ and search for anything, all these nasty images come up of naked people.”

Supervisor: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Let me make sure I understand. Whenever you go to Google and search for a term, you receive p*rnographic results?”

Customer: “Yes, sir. Every time I go to that ‘googly’ site I get all these nasty pictures of [male and female genitalia]. Now, I’m a good, Christian woman and I don’t need to be seeing all that stuff!”

(My supervisor is stunned, as this is a government computer and all such items should be caught by the filters. The supervisor decides to remote in, verify the issue, and run a virus scan.)

Supervisor: “Okay, ma’am, please show me exactly what it is that’s happening.”

Customer: *opens a browser* “Like I said, every time I go to ‘googly,’ I get all these nasty results.”

(The customer then went to “googly,” not Google, which turned out to be an “adult-themed search engine.” The supervisor corrected the customer by directing her to Google, instead, and verified there were no further issues.)

Didn’t Exceed The Cute Limit

, , , , | Legal | August 28, 2018

(My parents and I just dropped my brother off at college after a weekend and are on our way back home. There’s a road heading out of the college town that has a notoriously low speed limit, despite being very easy to drive; basically, it’s a trap to try to get some extra cash from tickets. We’re fully aware of this, but we’re having a conversation and my dad gets distracted, missing when we cross into this area, and speeding. Sure enough, a cop pulls us over. My mom runs a business from home where she cuts vinyl and has her logo, which includes her name, in vinyl on the back of the car. The very young, male cop saunters up to the window and says flirtatiously as he leans in:)

Cop: “So, who’s [Mom]?”

(Right after he says this, he sees my forty-something-year-old parents and takes a few steps back. I’m trying not to lose it in the back seat. My mom grins.)

Mom: “That would be me.”

Cop: “Oh, that’s… nice. So, uh, you know why I pulled you over?”

(We didn’t get a ticket, probably because he was so embarrassed. We agreed he was expecting to see a car full of cute college girls and was hoping to pick one up.)

Your Card Is Bad And So Are You

, , , , , , | Right | August 20, 2018

(I am working as a cashier at a popular superstore.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, your card declined. Do you have another form of payment?”

Customer: “What the h*** did you do? Try it again and this time, don’t touch it!”

Me: “Of course. Slide your card again, please.”

Customer: *slides card*

Me: *presses button to process card*

Customer: “I said don’t touch it!”

Me: “Ma’am, I have to press the button, or the transaction will not process. I’m sorry, the card is still declined. Do you have another card you want to try?”

Customer: “My card is good! You are doing this on purpose! Run it again, and this time don’t you dare press that f****** button, you dumb b****!”

Me: “Please, there’s no need for that; there are children here. We can try again if you’d like, but I will need to press the button, and I don’t think the outcome will change.”

Customer: *slides card while grumbling under her breath*

Me: *presses button to process card*

Customer: *screaming now* “I told you not to press that d*** button. Are you deaf or just stupid?! Get me a manager now! I will have your job!”

(My manager is nearby and has heard most of the exchange.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem here?”

Customer: “This b**** keeps pressing her little button and making my card decline! I want her fired immediately!”

Manager: “Ma’am, I hate to inform you of this, but there is no button she can press to make your order decline. There must be a problem with the card or with your bank; you will need to use another card, or I can set your items aside if you want to come back at another time. ”

Customer: “F*** all of you! You’re a bunch of liars! My card is good! MY CARD IS GOOD!”

(The customer continues screaming, cursing, and destroying displays until security removes her from the store.)

Manager: *to me*  “Go ahead and take your break a little early tonight.”

Mouth-y Mom And Tongue-y Tyke

, , , , , | Right | August 19, 2018

(I am working as a cashier when a woman and little girl, maybe five years old, approach my register. The woman begins to unload her items while staring intently at her phone and ignoring the little girl. The girl starts running back and forth along the register belt with her tongue on the edge of the belt.)

Me: “Oh, sweetie, don’t put your mouth on that. It’s very dirty; you could get sick.”

Girl: *stops and looks at me, confused*

Woman: *looks up and gives me a death glare* “How dare you correct my child?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, it’s just that I don’t get to clean the register often, and people touch it and put packages of raw meat and other items like that on it all day. It’s probably covered with germs.”

Woman: “Look. No one tells my kid what to do but me; just keep your mouth shut and do your job!” *goes back to her phone*

Me: *goes back to scanning silently*

Girl: *looks at me smugly and goes back to licking the register belt*