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Just Don’t Tell The Bride

, , , , , | Working | September 8, 2021

My dad told us this story about one of the recent catering events for his business. He was catering for a wedding and he had a chain bakery bake the cake. It was a simple three-tier cake and the picture he showed us looked beautiful. However, the manager of the bakery was not used to delivering cakes, especially tier cakes, and it showed.

When the manager delivered the cake, the third tier had fallen down the back of the cake while in the trunk of the manager’s car. The manager simply handed my dad a tube of icing for “touch-ups” and expected him to fix it.

My dad was furious and took the cake to another location of the bakery chain, showed them the cake, and asked them to fix it. The bakers at this bakery were just as shocked and pissed at the other location as my dad was. 

Instead of just fixing the cake, they threw it out and made a whole new cake from scratch. Thankfully, the wedding wasn’t for another hour or so when the cake was finished; otherwise, the cake would’ve been late. 

I hope the first bakery was reprimanded for their behavior for delivering him a cake like that and expecting him to fix their mistake.

Aren’t There More Important Things To Worry About?!

, , , | Related | August 21, 2021

My grandma is notorious for judging how we look and what we wear. She doesn’t get outright confrontational, but she comments all the time in a way which is sometimes “funny” — which it really isn’t — or “questioning” why we wear something, which is really just supposed to tell us she hates it. I would love to answer wittily, but I can never think of a good comeback fast enough. It has gone so far that my brother wears his most worn-out clothes whenever he is visiting Grandma to show her he won’t give in to her. Some of her comments go like this.

We were wearing camouflage pants.

Grandma: “Oh, you look so funny with your colourful pants!”

This is “Grandma” for “I don’t like that.”

Another time, I got a black piercing in my eyebrow.

Grandma: “Oh, did you get a piercing?”

Me: “Yes, I did.”

Grandma: “Oh, I was about to say you have a tick on your face.”

Cue me intentionally not reacting.

Grandma: “But you’re taking that back out, right?”

Me: “No, I’m not. I didn’t get this just to get rid of it again.”

The best and most memorable moment was the day of my brother’s wedding. In Germany, if you want to marry in church, you first have to do a legal wedding with a state-issued official. Most people who have their “big day” in church don’t dress up as fancily for the legal wedding as they do for church. My sister-in-law, for example, wore black pants, nice but sporty shoes, and a colourful shirt with flowers in it. Of course, this was not fancy enough for good old Grandma. However, my sister-in-law doesn’t take s***. When Grandma saw her after getting dressed, she tried one of her questions again, looking her up and down.

Grandma: “Oh, are you ready already?”

My sister-in-law was not having it.

Sister-In-Law: “Yes. And [Brother] will marry me like this, too!”

It’s been three years since the wedding and I still draw on that awesome comeback.

You Say, “I Do,” I Say, “Neigh!”

, , , | Romantic | August 20, 2021

Two of my and my husband’s best friends got married a few years ago at a beautiful historic barn/mill. [Bride] has been an equestrian for about twenty years, so it surprised no one that she arrived at the ceremony site on her horse. After she dismounted to walk down the aisle with her father, someone pulled her horse off to the side to keep him occupied until [Bride] could get him back on the trailer to go home. He wasn’t thrilled at his human being out of sight for so long, being a bit of a Mama’s Boy, so occasionally we heard little snorts from him during the ceremony, but nothing especially loud or disruptive. UNTIL…

Pastor: “If anyone here has any lawful objection as to why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

At that moment, with the sort of timing you only see in movies, [Bride]’s horse gave the LOUDEST, LONGEST WHINNY I have ever heard from him to this day. There was about half a beat of wide-eyed silence as everyone processed what had just happened, followed by absolute gales of laughter. The pastor was bent forward with his hand on his stomach, wheezing, while [Bride] was fully doubled over in hysterics.

Groom: *Also laughing* “I told you he didn’t like me!”

This, of course, made everyone laugh more, especially [Bride]. Finally, everyone started to calm down and the wedding was able to proceed as the pastor pulled himself together.

Pastor: *Still chuckling* “If anyone here besides [Horse] has any lawful objections…”

It hadn’t been an especially serious event before, but everyone gave up on any sort of solemnity after that. [Bride] and [Groom] have been happily married ever since, and [Horse] has begrudgingly accepted his new “dad.” He’s still mama’s boy, though.


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Got The Deaths And Marriages Parts Covered

, , , , , , | Right | July 31, 2021

It is 2014, and same-sex marriage has been legalised in England, so my fiancé and I are planning our wedding despite having little money and, to be honest, even less of an idea of what we’re doing. I have been given a card with the number I have to call to book our ceremony at the registry office.

I have ADP — auditory processing disorder — so I struggle to hear properly on the phone, so when I don’t hear the answer of the man who answered, I just assume he introduced the registry office and immediately say.

Me: “Hello. I need to book a wedding, please.”

There is a pause.

Man: “I’m sorry?”

Nervous, I start to ramble.

Me: “I was given a card with this number on it? To book our wedding, I mean. And, um, they said they couldn’t do it in person, I had to call, and—”

Man: “Whoa, hold on. You’ve got the wrong number.”

This doesn’t quite sink in at first and I pause.

Me: “I have?”

Man: “Yes.”

Me: “Are you sure?”

That’s a stupid question, I know.

Man: “Very sure, mate, yeah.”

Me: “Oh. Um, where have I called?”

Man: “[Hometown] crematorium.”

Me: “Oh. Oh. No, that is definitely not where I wanted to call!”

I start laughing, which sets the man on the phone off, too. For a few moments, neither of us can get anything coherent out. Eventually, I get the card back out and read the local number back to him; it’s definitely correct. He starts to say something when I suddenly yell:

Me: “OH! Oh, I am an idiot!”

Man: “Nah, no, it can’t be you. You’re not the first; we’ve had a few people call about weddings!”

Me: “No, no, it’s me. I put in the wrong area code!”

The area code for a nearby town — who I actually needed to call — was very similar to the area code of my town! The man was glad to have that mystery solved, and I have been amused since then at having called the crematorium of all places to try and book my wedding.

And if you were curious, yes, we did somehow manage to pull the wedding together, minus cremations, and remain happily married to this day.

First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage, Then Comes Plague

, , , , , | Right | CREDIT: SeaworthinessTrue988 | June 23, 2021

I work at a town hall, one of my tasks is issuing marriage licenses when health crisis restrictions ease up as they have.

Today, I have an appointment to issue a license. I grab my mask, sanitize my hands, grab the different documents, and head down to one of our rooms that’s big enough to have people standing six feet apart. Since the town hall’s doors are locked to avoid walk-ins, I have to meet them at the door. The woman has no mask; when I ask her to wear one, she says she is exempt, showing me a screenshot of a US exemption; we’re in Canada. We’re not allowed to ask for proof, so I just deal with it and pretend like she never showed me. I ask her to sanitize her hands. Again, she refuses.

Our process for a marriage license is to have them bring their application, any prior divorce or death certificates, and IDs. I ask if her partner is going to show up and she says yes, so we wait for about ten minutes. This puts the appointment a little late; we have thirty minutes for each appointment, and I have one in another room right after.

The woman’s partner arrives, we exchange pleasantries, and we get started. I’ve already checked their IDs and application by email, so I quickly recheck and write the info down. From there I get into the health-crisis-related questions.

Me: “1. Where is your wedding being held?”

Woman: “Inside the church at [Street].”

No big deal; we still allow church weddings if the group is smaller than ten people.

Me: “2. Will you be having a reception? If yes, where?”

Woman: “Yes, at [Banquet Hall].”

Red flags are sailing, so I ask the third question.

Me: “3. How big is the group attending?”

Woman: *All giddy* “Well, for my group there are about ninety-three guests, and on his side, there will be eighty or so. We have more coming to the reception. I think in total there will be 200 people or so.

I look up at her from the license. I look to the guy and then back at her.

Me: “I can’t issue a license for a gathering that large. Indoor gatherings must have fewer than ten people, including the couple and the officiant. Outdoor gatherings can have up to thirty, including the couple and officiant.”

The woman immediately flips out.

Woman: “You’re infringing my right to get married! [Health Crisis] is just a scam. It has a 99.9% survival rate! I should be allowed to get married! I’ve been planning this for three months and already paid for all the food and everything!”

I try to deescalate, telling her I can’t give her the license because it’s against the law. I hand her a pamphlet with [Health Crisis]-safe marriage information and start to walk them out. She’s still throwing a tantrum. She demands to speak to my manager, so I call her down.

My manager was already busy dealing with other stuff, so she isn’t in the best mood. The woman says I was belligerent, called her names, didn’t accept she wouldn’t wear a mask, etc.

Manager: “Well, why don’t I pull up the footage and we can take a look?”

The woman flips out even more, saying the same stuff as before. My manager is done with this.

Manager: “No clerk in [City] will issue a marriage license in this situation because it is against the law. We need to write down how many people will be at the celebration. You then have to post the green paper outside the venue and an officer may or may not drop in. If we are found to have issued a license and there are more people present, you will be fined. The clerk will no longer be able to give licenses and we will be in a lot of trouble. As you told the clerk, you have only planned this for three months. That means you’ve had enough time to know it’s a health crisis. Because of your attitude to my clerk, we will no longer be accepting any appointments for you or your partner. As far as I’m concerned, you are banned.”

She then took the application, stamped “Rejected” on it, and took it with her.

We ended up having to call security to escort them out of the building. Oh, and as for her partner, he did nothing. He literally sat in the chair and did nothing. But at least he wore a mask.