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Stupid Cupid

| Related | January 1, 2012

(I’m sitting at a table with my grandfather at my cousin’s reception. She is the only granddaughter older than I am. My grandfather is notorious for his attempts to set up my cousin, prior to her engagement.)

(A camera flash goes off in my face.)

Me: “Ah! My eyes! What was that for?”

Grandpa: “For the bowling alley.”

Me: “What?”

Grandpa: “For the personal ad. I’m going to put it up in the bowling alley back home, just like I did with [cousin].”

Me: “Grandpa, really? I’m only 20. I thought you didn’t start this with [cousin] until she was 23?”

Grandpa: “It’s never too early. By the time I was your age, I was married and already had a kid.”

Me: “Come on, Grandpa. I don’t need your help.”

Grandpa: “What’s your phone number, so I can put it with the ad?”

Me: “Grandpa, you live in a retirement community!”

Forget The Announcements, Here Come The Pronouncements

, , , , | Romantic | November 7, 2011

(It’s my friend’s wedding. His bride-to-be has some behavioral issues, so not everyone is happy about their marriage. Nonetheless, I decide to go over to my friend’s mother and congratulate her.)

Me: “Hi! Congratulations on your son’s marriage!

Friend’s Mother: “Don’t you mean, ‘My condolences’?”

Me: *awkward silence*

(On the other side of the room, we see my friend being congratulated by a female friend. Immediately, the bride storms over and pulls my friend away.)

Friend’s Mother: “I give them three weeks before one murders the other.”

Ends With Benefits

| Romantic | October 10, 2011

(I am working as a photographer at a wedding. This happens during the Random Guest Shots portion of the evening. Note that I have a somewhat unusual accent.)

Me: “Hi, can I get some shots of you guys?”

Slightly drunk female guest: “Sure! I looove your accent!”

Me: “Thanks!”

Slightly drunk female guest: “Hey, where is your accent from?”

Me: “Uh, my mom.”

Slightly drunk female guest: “Cool! I got my big ass from my mom!”

Dyed With Fresh Afterbirth

, , | Right | July 13, 2011

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bridal Shop]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I was told I could pay for my dress over the phone. I can’t remember the style number but I know the color.”

Me: “No problem, I should be able to look it up for you. Is this a bridesmaid dress or a bridal gown?”

Customer: “I’m a bridesmaid. I know the color is placenta.”

(Thinking I misheard her, I move forward.)

Me: “What is the bride’s name?”

(I get her information and pull up the wish list.)

Me: “Okay, I see that the bride has selected style 1234 in persimmon. Also, we have that you need a size 12.”

Customer: “Um, I think you have the color wrong. The bride told me it’s placenta.”

Me: “Well, it may be that she misread our catalog or just mispronounced it when she was talking with you, but she definitely put persimmon in her wish list.”

Customer: “Are you sure she didn’t pick placenta and somebody put the wrong color in the computer?”

Me: “I can assure you that we do not carry a color called placenta.”

Customer: “Well, I’m gonna call her and make sure she knows you put that persnickety color on her file instead of placenta! I’ll call you back.”


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Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Pink

, , , , , , | Right | June 28, 2010

(I get a call from a client about a wedding package I am designing.)

Me: “Hello! Have you finalized your color scheme?”

Client: “Well, no.” *begins sobbing* “We had a fight, and I called off the wedding. I don’t need the invitations.”

Me: “Ah. I’m very sorry to hear this, ma’am. I’ll waive my fees. Don’t worry about paying me.”

Client: “No, I’ll pay for your work. I was wondering if you could change the text, though.”

Me: “To what?”

Client: “It has to say ‘You’re Invited To [Ex-Fiance’s] Funeral.’ And I’m thinking a hideously bright pink.”


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