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Doesn’t See The Picture

| Related | January 13, 2012

(My family and much of my extended family on my mom’s side is from Chicago. The exception is one uncle, whose family is in Georgia. We all trekked down to Atlanta for this uncle’s oldest son’s wedding. After the wedding, the happy couple are taking their pictures in the church, and all the guests are milling around outside.)

Mom: “Don’t they need us there to take pictures?”

Dad: “I think they would have told us. That’s what they did at [other cousin’s]

Mom: “No, we should be in there for pictures. Why didn’t they tell us?”

Me: “I don’t think any extended family is sticking around for pictures. It’s only 30 minutes until the reception. I think they just want to conserve time.”

Mom: “We’re family! We should be taking pictures!”

(This goes on for about 10 more minutes. Both parents go to ask my uncle if we needed to stick around for pictures. Finally, they just go in inside. No other extended family from either the bride’s or the groom’s side are there, except for us. I awkwardly hide in the back while the older relatives force themselves into a picture.)

Mom: “See? Isn’t it a good thing we stuck around? If we had just left, we wouldn’t have known that they wanted us for pictures!”

Stupid Cupid

| Related | January 1, 2012

(I’m sitting at a table with my grandfather at my cousin’s reception. She is the only granddaughter older than I am. My grandfather is notorious for his attempts to set up my cousin, prior to her engagement.)

(A camera flash goes off in my face.)

Me: “Ah! My eyes! What was that for?”

Grandpa: “For the bowling alley.”

Me: “What?”

Grandpa: “For the personal ad. I’m going to put it up in the bowling alley back home, just like I did with [cousin].”

Me: “Grandpa, really? I’m only 20. I thought you didn’t start this with [cousin] until she was 23?”

Grandpa: “It’s never too early. By the time I was your age, I was married and already had a kid.”

Me: “Come on, Grandpa. I don’t need your help.”

Grandpa: “What’s your phone number, so I can put it with the ad?”

Me: “Grandpa, you live in a retirement community!”

Forget The Announcements, Here Come The Pronouncements

, , , , | Romantic | November 7, 2011

(It’s my friend’s wedding. His bride-to-be has some behavioral issues, so not everyone is happy about their marriage. Nonetheless, I decide to go over to my friend’s mother and congratulate her.)

Me: “Hi! Congratulations on your son’s marriage!

Friend’s Mother: “Don’t you mean, ‘My condolences’?”

Me: *awkward silence*

(On the other side of the room, we see my friend being congratulated by a female friend. Immediately, the bride storms over and pulls my friend away.)

Friend’s Mother: “I give them three weeks before one murders the other.”

Ends With Benefits

| Romantic | October 10, 2011

(I am working as a photographer at a wedding. This happens during the Random Guest Shots portion of the evening. Note that I have a somewhat unusual accent.)

Me: “Hi, can I get some shots of you guys?”

Slightly drunk female guest: “Sure! I looove your accent!”

Me: “Thanks!”

Slightly drunk female guest: “Hey, where is your accent from?”

Me: “Uh, my mom.”

Slightly drunk female guest: “Cool! I got my big ass from my mom!”

Dyed With Fresh Afterbirth

, , | Right | July 13, 2011

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bridal Shop]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I was told I could pay for my dress over the phone. I can’t remember the style number but I know the color.”

Me: “No problem, I should be able to look it up for you. Is this a bridesmaid dress or a bridal gown?”

Customer: “I’m a bridesmaid. I know the color is placenta.”

(Thinking I misheard her, I move forward.)

Me: “What is the bride’s name?”

(I get her information and pull up the wish list.)

Me: “Okay, I see that the bride has selected style 1234 in persimmon. Also, we have that you need a size 12.”

Customer: “Um, I think you have the color wrong. The bride told me it’s placenta.”

Me: “Well, it may be that she misread our catalog or just mispronounced it when she was talking with you, but she definitely put persimmon in her wish list.”

Customer: “Are you sure she didn’t pick placenta and somebody put the wrong color in the computer?”

Me: “I can assure you that we do not carry a color called placenta.”

Customer: “Well, I’m gonna call her and make sure she knows you put that persnickety color on her file instead of placenta! I’ll call you back.”

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