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We Really Hope He’s Not The Groom

, , , , | Right Romantic | May 20, 2022

Customer: “I’d like to place an order for a wedding.”

I wait. He gives no further information.

Then, his eyes go unfocused, looking through me, as though he is trying to remember something, and he starts muttering:

Customer: “Now, when’s the wedding, when’s the wedding, when is the wedding?”

It goes on for about thirty seconds, so I laugh and say:

Me: “You know, to anyone else, it might look like you were asking me when the wedding is!”

Customer: “I am!”

Spoilers: The Whole Death Thing Apparently Didn’t Stick

, , , , , , | Related | May 15, 2022

My youngest cousin is, frankly, annoying as h***. She always has to be better than anyone, and her sense of humour consists of mocking, insulting, or hitting other people. Unfortunately, when she was little, most people thought it was cute and let her get away with it. She’s also very religious and has a “holier-than-thou” attitude. The majority of my family members are atheists and got tired of her attempts to proselytize us long ago, but at my brother’s wedding, she finds a new victim.

Cousin: “Have you welcomed Jesus into your heart yet?”

Friend: “Uh. I’ve heard of him. Personally, I’m a follower of the Raven Queen.”

Cousin: “But Jesus is our saviour! Don’t you want to go to Heaven? Have you even read the Bible?”

Friend: “Bits, yeah, in school.”

Cousin: “You should really take it more to heart! It speaks about how Jesus sacrificed Himself and died for our sins!”

Friend: “Don’t spoiler me! I didn’t get to that part yet!”

At this point, everyone around was listening, ready to save him from our over-zealous cousin. We all burst out laughing. So far, she hasn’t tried again!

That’s Not A Prank, That’s Just Mean

, , , , , , , | Related | May 1, 2022

Before I was born, my aunt was married to a guy who considered himself a prankster. He was more like a Schrodinger’s a**hole — the guy who plays it off as “it was just a joke/prank” if you got upset due to his horrible behavior.

Mom got engaged to Dad, and [Aunt’s Husband] got an idea for a “joke.” The plan was to get my father drunk the night before the wedding and buy him a one-way ticket to Hawaii. Naturally, this would have left my mom alone at the altar for a wedding that could not happen, that was barely afforded, with Dad stuck on an island with no money to fly back. I’m guessing it would also be “hilarious” to cost other people money to eventually get Dad home and “hilarious” to have a whole bunch of people furious at [Aunt’s Husband].

Perhaps the greatest blessing of this whole thing was that [Aunt’s Husband] added to the “mirth” by openly threatening to do this prank — several times. My mom repeatedly told him that it wasn’t funny and that he’d better not do that to her. He doubled and even tripled down on it.

Finally, a few days before the wedding, Mom snapped and called my aunt. In an icy fury, she told my aunt that if [Aunt’s Husband] dared to pull off that “prank,” she would commit a felony and go to jail with a smile on her face.

My aunt was completely in the dark and very confused about the whole thing. [Aunt’s Husband] had been making his prank threats when [Aunt] wasn’t in the room. After Mom explained to [Aunt] what her husband had threatened to do, [Aunt] said she would put a stop to it and not to worry.

[Aunt’s Husband] made one more threat of a different “prank”; he threatened to throw my father into the fountain, rented suit and all — because throwing Dad into the fountain would be funny, regardless of how much the suit rental company would charge Dad for the damage caused by the “prank.” This, too, was thankfully stopped.

[Aunt’s Husband] ultimately passed away from a heart attack before I was born, and my aunt married a much kinder man who is my acknowledged uncle.

Not Suited To Last-Minute Planning

, , , | Right | April 20, 2022

I have an entire wedding party come in for suits. I’m talking about the groom, groomsmen, both fathers, several uncles, and the bride’s grandfather.

Me: “So, when is the wedding?”

Them: “This afternoon!”

It’s Like A Hug For Your Neck!

, , , , , | Related | April 15, 2022

One of my older cousins got married when I was in my early teens. Some of the bridal shower decorations were made with pearly pale pink beads. There were a few packs of beads leftover, so I used some of them to make a short necklace for my cousin. It didn’t look too different from any other inexpensive faux pearl necklace.

A few weeks later, she brought up the subject of the necklace.

Cousin: “It really is beautiful. Thank you.”

Me: “You’re welcome!”

Cousin: “You know the best part?”

Me: “What?”

Cousin: “I get to tell people, ‘Oh, my cousin made me a necklace for my wedding shower!’ and they assume I’m talking about a little kid. Then, I point to my neck and say, ‘Isn’t it pretty?’ and the look on their face is hilarious!”

She’s mostly stopped wearing jewelry since the birth of her first child, but I’m glad she got a few laughs out of it before it had to be hidden from grabby baby hands!