(I work in alterations at a bridal salon. A teen girl is with her parents buying a dress for Homecoming Court which is in about two weeks. Since this is pushing the normal timeframe for alterations, the consultant has grabbed me to look at the dress and let the customer know if we can do the very minor alterations in time. After I say we can, I have the following exchange with the girl’s father.)

Customer: “So are the alterations included in the price of the dress?”

Me: “No, but taking up the shoulders on this dress will only be about $23.”

Customer: “So, will you guys discount the dress to offset the cost of the alterations?”

Me: “…No.”

(My husband and I are thinking about trying to get pregnant. I love children and get warm fuzzies whenever I see kids. We are at my friend’s wedding and I see a toddler.)

Me: “Baby, look at this adorable little girl in her fancy dress. She is sooooo cute.”

Husband: “I can hear you ovulating.”

Me: “What?”

Husband: “Audibly.”

(I’m pretty young and attending my dad’s best friend’s wedding.)

Guest: “You’re here with your parents?”

Me: “My dad.”

Guest: “Is he [Groom]’s friend?”

Me: “They’re best friends. If they were any closer they’d be gay!”

(Despite the fact that neither of us even wanted to do it, my grandmother grabbed both me and my youngest sister and outright forced us to go catch the bouquet at my aunt and uncle’s wedding. Instead of making any attempt to catch it, we both backed as far away as possible so that we had no chance of ever catching it. My grandmother was downright furious when she saw this.)

Grandmother: “What’s wrong with you? You could have been the next to be married!”

Me: “I’m single and have no interest in finding someone anytime soon, and she’s only nine. If we’re really the next to get engaged, there’s going to be a lot of disappointed single women in our family for the next several years!”

(I am attending a friend’s wedding that has an open bar. They have two kinds of whiskey available, Dewar’s and Woodford Reserve. Most of the bartenders are inexperienced and are confused by my order of a neat whiskey, but this one was the most clueless:)

Me: *handing my glass over* “Do you have ginger ale?”

Bartender: “Yep!” *gets the bottle and gets ready to pour the soda in the glass*

Me: “Actually I want a whiskey ginger, so could I get some Dewar’s mixed in with the ginger ale?”

Bartender: *grabs a bottle of Merlot and proceeds to fill my glass to the top*

(I am confused but figured that the wine was for someone else.)

Bartender: *grabs the bottle of ginger ale and starts pouring the soda into the wine*

Me: “No! I wanted whiskey with ginger ale!”

Bartender: *blank stare*

Me: “You know, whiskey mixed with soda?”

Bartender: *blank stare*

Me: *takes the bottle of whiskey from the shelf and hands it to the bartender* “Please put this in the glass with some ginger ale.”

Bartender: *grabs a new glass and fills it easily halfway with whiskey and then fills the rest of it up with ginger ale*

Me: “Perfect! Thanks!”

Bartender: *tries to put a large scoop of ice in the glass, which would make it overflow*

Me: “No ice! That’s perfect!” *grabs the glass from her hand and walks away before she tries to add anything else to it*