(At a wedding reception, I am seated next to my niece. She is telling me about the dangers of cooties from boys.)

Me: “But Uncle [My Husband] told me that girls are the ones with cooties!”

Niece: “Girls have cooties, too, but boy cooties and girl cooties don’t mix. That’s why boys and girls can’t kiss.”

Me: “What about me and Uncle [My Husband]? We kiss.”

(My niece sits in thought for a few moments before replying.)

Niece: “Well, that’s okay, because when you get married your cooties become romanti-cooties and they get along.”

(My mom’s college friend is Irish Catholic, but her husband isn’t. This is during her wedding.)

Priest: “Can you bring up the gifts up after the intercession prayer?”

Husband: “Sure.”

(After the intercessory prayer, the husband brought up the wedding gifts! “Gifts” in the Catholic Church means the chalice and water!)

(I’m the bride in this story. For our reception we have purchased and provided all of the alcohol, in order to have an open bar, and hired a bartender to serve it. Because we purchased it, the alcohol is ours to do with as we please, and that means taking home any left over at the end of the night. Partway through the reception, I decide to change out of my wedding dress into something simpler — still a fancy white dress, just shorter and easier to dance in. My hair is still all done up, etc. Near the end of the night I approach the bar and order a drink, and I decide to see how our stock is doing since we were unsure how much to buy to accommodate the length of the event and our large guest list.)

Me: “So, how are things going? How much rum and vodka are left? Did we go through all the wine?”

Bartender: *giving me a once-over with a look of disdain on her face* “You do not need to know how much alcohol there is. It’s not your concern.”

(I am stunned but don’t want to have any drama on my wedding night, so I just shrug and go back to the party. At the end of the night there are just a few of us cleaning up, and one of my cousins comments on how much he loves one of the wines we were serving.)

Me: *handing my cousin an unopened bottle of the wine* “Here, take this bottle, then; there’s some left over and we don’t need it all!”

Cousin: “Thanks!”

(He takes it, only for the bartender to snatch it back and tell him he can’t just take leftover alcohol. I am a bit annoyed at this point.)

Me: “Actually, all of the alcohol was paid for and supplied by us, so if I want to give him this bottle to take home, I will.”

(The bartender sort of froze and stared at me before one of her coworkers pulled her away. She ended up apologizing profusely to me; apparently she didn’t recognize me out of my wedding dress. She thought I was a guest fishing around for alcohol to take home, despite the fact that she met with us more than once prior to the wedding and I was still in a fancy white dress!)

(I am at my sister’s wedding and the venue has done a really good job. Everyone has had a great time and most of us are pretty drunk. There’s only a few still left at the end of the night, including my siblings, my dad, and me. The staff are just starting to tidy up, as the party has wound down and it’s late. My dad decides to try and get a last round of drinks in before we all go to bed. Unfortunately, he can be more than a little rude when he doesn’t get what he wants.)

Dad: “Hi, can I get three beers, three gin and tonics, and four whiskeys?”

Bar Staff: “I’m sorry, sir; we’ve closed out the register for the night. We can’t sell anymore.”

Dad: “Don’t give me that! We’ve all spent a huge amount of money at this wedding today, and all we’re asking for is one last round.”

Bar Staff: “I understand, but the register is now shut down for the night, the money has been taken out, and the credit card reader has been shut down for the day’s business.”

Me: “It’s okay, bud; we understand.”

Dad: “No! It’s not okay! I’m asking politely—” *he’s not* “—for another round, after we’ve spent all this money today, feeding their wages.”

Me: “Dad, they’ve closed the register for the day, which means they physically can’t sell anymore until they open it again tomorrow. It keeps the day’s takings straight and separates business days. See?”

Dad: “I don’t care about any of that. We’ve spent so much money!”

(This goes round and round a few times. The bar manager gets involved and the whole exchange repeats itself. Eventually my dad decides to stagger off to bed.)

Dad: “I’m going to see that you get a bad review on [Video Website]. Yeah, you’ll get a bad review on [Video Website].”

(I think he meant [Review Website].)

Me: “Sorry about that, guys. Don’t listen to him; he’s pretty drunk. Listen, you guys did a great job. Everybody had a great time and you didn’t miss a beat. So, thank you!”

Bar Manager: “Thanks for saying that. We’re not allowed to sell anymore, so how about a round on the house?”

(It pays to be nice!)

While planning my wedding, I have neglected to plan, or get a family member to plan a bridal shower. I don’t particularly mind, but my aunt very graciously offers to throw a bridal shower for me. I give her a guest list based off of my previous baby shower for my son, and she starts planning away.

One day after handing out the invitations, my future mother-in-law calls saying that I forgot to invite two of my fiancé’s cousins. I don’t know them well, but I feel bad for neglecting them, so, after asking my aunt, I tell my mother-in-law to invite them, but to make sure to let them know that this isn’t a children-friendly event.

A week before the shower, my aunt calls me, confused, as several people not on the guest list have RSVP’d, and specified that they are bringing their kids. I call my mother-in-law to make sure there wasn’t a miscommunication. She not only invited four of my fiancé’s cousins, most of whom I don’t know, or my fiancé doesn’t talk to anymore, but she also told them to invite their kids, too. This adds up to about eight more people than previously expected, and my aunt’s house can’t accommodate this.

After hanging up with my mother-in-law, I call my mom, because I am not sure what to do or how to approach this situation. My mother, understandably, is mad that my mother-in-law was rude enough to invite people without at least asking me or making sure I knew the people. She decides to call my mother-in-law to figure out a solution: either have two showers to accommodate the people, or rent space so that there is room for these people and split the cost.

My mother calls, and she barely gets into the conversation before my mother-in-law loses it on her. She calls my mom all sorts of names and ends with, “Shove this party right up your a**.” My fiancé and I, after hearing this, decide not to engage with my mother-in-law’s behavior and let her calm down.

The next day, my mother-in-law texts me, telling me that her side is throwing a “Welcome to the Family” party for me, despite the fact that I gave her a grandson two years ago and have been a part of the family since then. I bluntly tell her that I will not attend any event until she apologizes to my mom for her outburst. After much foot-stomping and whining and, “You don’t care about my feelings,” she finally relents and gives my mother a half-baked apology.

When it comes time to attend her party, every person there ignores me. It is, in theory, a party for me, but not one person really talks to me the entire time. It is bad enough that even my maid of honour, who came with me, notices.

I did marry into the family, in the end. But honestly, if I didn’t know my now-husband so well, I would have taken off running as far away from that family as possible!