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Not Suited To Last-Minute Planning

, , , | Right | April 20, 2022

I have an entire wedding party come in for suits. I’m talking about the groom, groomsmen, both fathers, several uncles, and the bride’s grandfather.

Me: “So, when is the wedding?”

Them: “This afternoon!”

It’s Like A Hug For Your Neck!

, , , , , | Related | April 15, 2022

One of my older cousins got married when I was in my early teens. Some of the bridal shower decorations were made with pearly pale pink beads. There were a few packs of beads leftover, so I used some of them to make a short necklace for my cousin. It didn’t look too different from any other inexpensive faux pearl necklace.

A few weeks later, she brought up the subject of the necklace.

Cousin: “It really is beautiful. Thank you.”

Me: “You’re welcome!”

Cousin: “You know the best part?”

Me: “What?”

Cousin: “I get to tell people, ‘Oh, my cousin made me a necklace for my wedding shower!’ and they assume I’m talking about a little kid. Then, I point to my neck and say, ‘Isn’t it pretty?’ and the look on their face is hilarious!”

She’s mostly stopped wearing jewelry since the birth of her first child, but I’m glad she got a few laughs out of it before it had to be hidden from grabby baby hands!

Oh, Brother! – Part 7

, , , , , | Related | March 27, 2022

My family is getting ready to attend a wedding. The bride has pretty serious social anxiety, so she and the groom have opted for an extremely limited guest list. My younger brother is mad that he can’t bring a plus-one and has been complaining to my parents about it for weeks.

Brother: “It isn’t fair not to let me bring a date! [Name] gets to bring his girlfriend!”

Mother: “For the last time, she is his fiancée and they are the ones getting married!

Oh, Brother! – Part 6
Oh, Brother!, Part 5
Oh, Brother! – Part 4
Oh, Brother! – Part 3
Oh, Brother! – Part 2

There’s No Rule That Says You Can’t Cut Off Family

, , , , , , , | Related | March 4, 2022

My now-husband and I met in high school and became best friends. I didn’t know this at the time, but the feelings I had for him during school weren’t just platonic. It took a few years for me to realize it, but I was too scared to pursue anything romantic.

If not for the fact that I didn’t know what [Husband]’s sexuality was, then my twin sister trying to pursue him definitely warded me off.

[Twin Sister] is my mother’s favorite twin, so I knew if I did try then not only would I feel the wrath of my sister, but my mother, as well. So, I held off and tried to make myself content with just being in [Husband]’s life as a best friend.

That all changed four years ago. While [Twin Sister] (presumably) got over [Husband] and moved across the state, I stuck around and spent time with him. Once, when we went out to a party with our group of friends, I let slip my feelings.

Call it a case of wanting to get it off my chest, you know?

Well, it turned out that [Husband] returned my feelings! We had our first kiss that night, to a round of “Finally!” from our friends. Turns out we were a case where everyone could see it but us.

We started dating, and then, last year, [Husband] proposed to me. When I told my family this, [Twin Sister] flipped out.

Twin Sister: “Do you have any idea how much it hurts to have you betray me like this?! You started dating my first heartbreak, and now you want to marry him and force me to see the man who broke my heart?!”

We had a huge fight, and I was ready to not invite her to the wedding, but stupidly for me, I listened to my mom and invited her.

This went on and on throughout the whole wedding process; everything we planned for that my twin didn’t like was either stupid or backstabbing her — from the food, to the guests, to the venue. But the big deal-breaker happened with the Maid of Honor fiasco.

[Twin Sister] assumed I was gonna make her the Maid of Honor, but [Husband] and I decided to make his older sister the Maid of Honor. She’s part of our friend group, has been there for him during the worst parts of his life, and helped us with any relationship bumps we went through.

An important thing to know about his sister, she’s adopted… from China. And just from me bringing this up, you know it’s bad.

Turns out, [Twin Sister], upon hearing this news thought it would be a good idea to send [Husband’s] sister horrible text messages attacking her personality, her interests, and her body, and of course, she thought it was okay to also send her terrible texts about her race and the connections to a certain thing happening in the world.

[Husband] found this out.

Husband: “[Twin Sister] is not to be invited to the wedding, or even allowed to step foot on the venue.”

Me: “I wholeheartedly agree.”

I sent a long text telling her that she was banned from the wedding and that we were not even going to consider talking to her after all of this.

Well, my dear mother decided to send a long text, too — not to me of course, but to [Husband]. 

Mother: “I always knew you were trouble when you couldn’t see how perfect [Twin Sister] was. You tainted [My Name]. Your family tainted [My Name]. And I am going to ruin you at the wedding.”

My mother was also subsequently banned from the wedding to her absolute shock. And after she tried to break us up on Christmas that year, we went no contact with her.

[Husband] and I are now as happy as can be.

She’s Just Green With Envy Over Your Happiness

, , , , , | Related | February 4, 2022

My girlfriend and I, both women, are getting married next year. We’ve been planning everything, despite her mother’s attempts to intervene. So far, she’s thrown a hissy fit over the bridesmaids’ dress color, tried to change the floral arrangement without my girlfriend’s knowledge or consent, and tried to force her female cousin to be the maid-of-honor instead of the woman my wife chose.

Soon, everything comes to a head when my future mother-in-law tries to control the guest list.

Mother-In-Law: “You need to uninvite [Guest #1] and [Guest #2].”

Girlfriend: “Why, Mom?”

Mother-In-Law: “Because I invited [Woman], and we’ll be exceeding the number of guests allowed.”

Girlfriend: *Sighs and pinches her nose* “Mom, I told you not to make any changes. [My Name] and her parents are paying for most of it, and you’re not paying a cent. I’ve made some compromises already to suit her needs. Besides, she doesn’t know [Woman], and [Woman] has never liked me, anyway.”

Mother-In-Law: “But she’s my friend!”

Girlfriend: “Exactly: she’s your friend, not ours. We already got the licenses and everything, and if they find out we exceeded the limit, we could get in trouble.”

Mother-In-Law: “You and [My Name] only get so much say in how it goes! I told you not to get that disgusting color of green for the bridesmaids’ dresses!”

Girlfriend: “Is that what this is about? You just don’t like the dress color? Well, too bad. [My Name] paid for them, so she gets to choose what color they are. Personally, I love the color. It goes well with most of our bridesmaids. Now, Mom, I don’t want to hear another word about it.”

My mother-in-law just sighed theatrically and petted the cat while pretending to sulk.