Client: “I tried as hard as I could, but I can’t access my domain.”
Me: “You know the URL, correct?”
Client: “Yes, and I keep typing in what you told me, but it won’t link me to my domain.”
Me: “Why don’t you tell me exactly what you typed?”
Client: “Sure. I typed ‘uuuuuu dot [site] dot kom’.”
I am working on a website for a management consultancy firm, and one of their clients is a baker.
Client: “I love the new banners. Much better than the old site. Just one change, though…”
Me: “Yes?”
Client: “Can you make them more bready?”
Me: “Bready? What do you mean by ‘bready’?”
Client: “Well, the main client is a baker, so I’d like a loaf of bread on every image.”
Me: “Even the stock photo of two professionals shaking hands?”
Client: “Yes.”
Me: “Where do you want it? On their head?”
Client: “No, don’t be silly. Just Photoshop the loaf into the background on the table.”
We eventually settled on a new stock image of two professionals eating toast.
I’m on the phone with a client.
Client: “Could you edit this button on the website?”
Me: “Which one are you talking about?”
Client: “This one.”
Me: “Which one?”
Client: “The one my mouse is pointing at! Are you blind?!”
Me: “…We’re having this conversation over the phone. I can’t see your mouse.”
Client: “Well then, go onto the site! I’m hovering the mouse right over the button. It’s hard to miss!”
Me: “What?!”
Client: “I tried going to your FTP [File Transfer Protocol] site to send you a PDF, but it says it’s under construction.”
Me: “Hmm, what program are you using?”
Client: “What do you mean?”
Me: “…What program are you using that’s telling you the site is under construction?”
Client: “None. I just clicked on the link in the email, and it came up.”
Me: “No. It’s probably opening in a web browser like Internet Explorer, Firefox, Chrome, or Safari. Can you tell me which program it is?”
Client: “Um… email–email program?”
I’m a Digital Marketing Director. I recently took on a new client who turned out to be a complete nightmare!
After a couple of weeks of sorting out his social media strategy, I was ready to begin work on his campaigns. I sent a number of emails asking for his social media log-ins so that I could get the channels set up. No reply.
Later, he emailed me without reference to my messages.
Client: “Hey! I want all my posts to be commercial. Let’s really sell our products!”
Me: “Well, there are a couple of issues with that. You don’t have any followers yet, and if all of your posts are selling something, you won’t get any. Typically you want to aim for an eighty-twenty mix of informative posts to commercial ones so that people will want to follow you in the first place.”
Client: “Don’t try to ‘brand’ my company. You’re just helping me sell product, and I need customers right away. Also, I was thinking of handing out some leaflets. Do you know where would be good to hand them out?”
I live 250 miles away from his business. So, no, I didn’t.
After the weekend, I had an email from him offering to pay half of my monthly bill; he accused me of breach of contract as I hadn’t set up his social channels.
Client: “You have the cheek to try and be funny with me when you’re clearly in the wrong! Apart from the keywords list, you have done sweet f*** all! You have NOT stuck to your own agreement.”
Me: “Well, to set up your social, I need your logins. I sent you several emails requesting them, and you never responded.”
I forwarded all of the emails I’d sent requesting this information — seven in total — along with an invoice for the amount he’d agreed to pay.
Client: “Invoice paid. Don’t ever email me again, sending me all those made-up emails that I never received at all or within your schedule. I should also report you for fraud.”
Best case scenario. I’m glad to see the back of him!
