I met with a client and his employees to discuss a web dev project. He asked me for a quote, I gave it to him, he agreed, and I got to work.
Two weeks later, I submitted an invoice, and he called me.
Client: “I can’t really afford this.”
Me: “I’m confused. I told you my rate, and you jumped on it, and we shook hands.”
Client: “My employees were right there. What was I supposed to say?! That I couldn’t afford it?”
Me: “Yes. Exactly that.”
In the early days of the Internet, I was a developer trying to sell websites. This was back when we used text editors to write HTML code. We discussed potential domain names.
Me: “The following addresses would be great for your business.”
I gave the client a list of twelve alternatives, all of which were really solid URLs that you’d be hard-pressed to find now. After two hours of meetings, the client talked to his boss, who laughed in his face at the thought of paying for a website.
This was the early days, after all.
Cut to three years later. I hadn’t heard from this “client” at all in that time, and then I got a message.
Client: “We can’t access those domains you gave us. Give them back, or we’ll sue.”
Those domains were all in the hands of foreign squatters, not me.
I laughed and told him to go f*** himself, and I had a glowing golden feeling for the rest of the day.
A client wanted an e-commerce website built to sell e-cigarettes and vapes — completely custom. I was starting out, so I agreed to build the website for a tiny amount. We started working on a design.
Client: “I want this black background with blue text. That will look cool.”
Me: “That will be difficult to see.”
Client: “Well… let’s see how it looks.”
I set the colors.
Client: “Can we make that blue stand out? Make it bold.”
Me: “Sure.”
I updated the colors.
Client: “Hmm. Can we make it brighter?”
Eventually, it was white text on a black background.
Me: “May I suggest we go with black text on white?”
Client: “Okay… Oh, that looks better. Why didn’t you suggest that before?”
Me: *Losing the will to live* “That’s fine. Now, for the header…”
Client: “Well, I want it to be this bubble font. Let’s make it turquoise. And I want a smoke-filled background.”
I made the design, hoping he’d realise how bad it was. (Looking at the page was giving me a headache.)
Client: “I like that. It’s different from the others.”
Me: *Internally* “Yeah, because it’s terrible in every way.”
We went back and forth on design elements, and eventually, it was readable. Then, we got onto functionality — shopping cart, payment gateway, and a growing list of features.
Client: “I want it simple — nothing too advanced.”
I made an e-commerce website that was simple enough.
Client: “What is this? It’s too basic. I want more features.”
Me: “Okay. What features?”
Client: “I don’t know. Make it better, like all the other ones. I want [list of things Amazon has].”
Me: “Okay. Though, I will have to charge extra.”
Client: “Why? Amazon didn’t pay for those features!”
Me: “They most certainly paid tens of thousands of dollars for a team of professionals to produce those features.”
Client: “Says you!”
I built several features. He was yelling about the project taking too long. He had already threatened to hire a massive company to build this for him. He claimed that what I had produced was rubbish and that I was taking too long. (In total, I had spent four months working when I could.)
Me: “If you are unhappy, I can undo the changes made, and we can part ways. Although, a company will charge thousands of dollars to build a bespoke e-commerce site, and they could take up to a couple of months to build the product to your requirements.”
Client: “But at least it will actually be decent.”
Me: “Okay, I understand. I will remove my website from your server, and we will part ways.”
Client: “But that’s my website. You cannot take it.”
Me: “Well, since you will not pay, this is my Intellectual Property. We signed no contract to state otherwise. I have set up the server and sorted out the security (with SSL). I am building your website for a pittance, frankly. If you intend to hire another party, I retain all rights.”
The client started getting abusive, calling me a robbing c***.
Me: “I’m sorry you feel robbed, but I have not been paid, and you will not work with me.”
More cursing from the client.
Me: “I think it is better that we part ways.”
I took down the website.
Client: “What’s going on? Why isn’t the website up?”
Me: “You did not want to pay me for my services, and it would be better that we go back to before I accepted the project.”
Client: “I don’t care. Either put the website up, or I will kick in your front door and [continuing list of abuse].”
I would’ve been scared, but this client had a list of health issues and wouldn’t have been able to do anything.
I set up a basic blog for the client. They asked for something bare-bones but suitable for instant use. After I explained where everything was and how to use it, the client looked confused.
Client: “There are no articles… I thought you said this is where the articles would be.”
Me: “Yes, once they are written, they will appear right here.”
Client: “Well, can you make some, then?”
Me: “That’s not really in the scope of what we agreed, but why not? I’ll whip something up.”
Shortly thereafter, I finished three filler pieces, uploaded them, and consulted the client for feedback.
Client: “This is excellent! So, how often do these appear? Can I adjust it to upload them every day?”
Me: “You can upload them as soon as you want, or schedule them to post at a specific time.”
Client: “Wonderful! Set it so there’s a new article every morning after these three run.”
Me: “Um… I’m not writing any more articles.”
Client: “Of course not! Just set the blog to.”
Me: “…Wait. Do you think the blog itself wrote these articles? I did.”
Client: “What? That’s ridiculous. You were just supposed to program something to do that!”
Me: “Program?”
Client: “Yes! Like an app or something to create content.”
Me: “That’s not possible.”
Client: “Just because you can’t do it doesn’t mean it’s impossible!”
Me: “…”
Client: “…”
Me: “You know what? I think you’re right. I must not be as good as I thought.”
Client: “No kidding! I could’ve saved my money if I had known that from the get-go!”
Me: “You didn’t pay me anything!”
Client: “I’m glad I didn’t if this is the quality of work you do!”
Client: *On the phone* “I wanted to email you about some revisions to your design, but my keyboard won’t work. Could you come help me?”
I went over to his house, and he had just bought a new wireless keyboard.
He hadn’t turned the keyboard on or plugged the dongle in.
Client: “Well, if you have to plug something in, then why is it called ‘wireless’?”
No. Just no.
Related:
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 48
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 47
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 46
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 45
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 44
